Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a relationship for the past five years off and on. We have been living together for over a year now. It has been 8 months since we have had sexual relations. Tonight he asked me what I wanted to do and I replied ” go home and fool around”, with a smile. We had a wonderful evening together. A concert and cuddling on a boat ride back to the car. It was wonderful. I felt that would be a fantastic way to end the evening. Well it ended very poorly. I was in a 17 year marriage where sex was a problem as well. I am feeling as if it is me. However deep down I know I do not lack in that category and wonder why I end up falling for men that love to have sex at first then back off. What in the world am I doing wrong. I love this man with all my heart and he insists he loves me and is happy with not having sex. He does drink a lot which sometimes I wonder if that is the problem, but it wasnt a problem before. I dont have the money to go to a therapist and he would refuse to get help. I don’t want to leave him as I would feel petty for doing so since everything else in our lives is fantastic. Am I putting too much emphasis on it and if I let it go will it just happen? I can only hope. I am very upset and not sure what to do. Do you have any advise? Thank you. D.
Answer: Dear D.: My guess, and that’s all it is of course, is that your hope that it will “just happen” isn’t well founded. This kind of situation can sneak up on a heavy drinker.
The partners who can live in a sexless relationship and thrive there don’t write to me. That puts you in the majority; those who can’t live with it.
I don’t agree that it’s a “petty thing” to base leaving a relationship on. For a normal male and female, it’s a no go. It’s difficult to face but it’s eating at you. Gather up your self-respect and head on down the road. You deserve better. Blessings, Luise