Why Won’t She change?

Question: Dear Luise:  well I wouldn’t say I hate my mom but she just does things that is i don’t know how to put it but it’s making life worse for me and my step dad avoids her. She always is on her computer or she eats and sleeps. She never wants to do stuff with us, only when she finally wants to be a family, we all have to stop what we’re doing just to do so. She always questions my step dad or tries to make up something to fight about and it’s driving me and him crazy. I tell her her flaws because it’s breaking up the family. We have family talks all the time and she is the first one to start crying and to say she’s sorry and she’ll work on it but then she goes back and does the same thing over and over again and I don’t know if I can even tolerate her anymore because I don’t think I can put up with her any longer. What do you think I should do to help her understand that if she doesn’t change that this family is going to split apart? A.

Answer: Dear A.: My guess would be that your mother isn’t going to change. Her own monsters drive her and even weeping with regret doesn’t bring about any improvement. Counseling might help, if she was willing. However, if her behavior is deeply engrained, she may want those around her to accommodate to it…as a solution. You have all tried but it sounds like its a lost cause. You can only give so much.

Her behavior is antisocial to my way of thinking and her bouts at “being a family” cause more disruption than bonding. She knows the consequences are a broken family and still she persists. I would suggest that you do what you need to do to create peace for yourself (and that your step-dad do the same thing.) You have to decide if you can stay and ignore her antics or if you need to go. Don’t let her ruin your life because she has chosen the path she has for herself. Blessings, Luise


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