Question: Dear Luise: I lost my teaching job and had to settled for a job that pays much lower in order to help provide for my family. I pay most of the bills and at times I have to ask my son and his girlfriend for help. I have just found out that he feels I am keeping them from doing better and accomplishing their dreams. I have never asked him for help, I have always provided for him. I want to know why does he feel this way and why does it seem that he hates me? M.
Answer: Dear M.: It’s really hard to face, but our kids don’t owe us anything. They become adults and take responsibility for themselves. We are also responsible for ourselves. You need to do whatever you need to do to lower your standard of living so you can be fully in charge of your life. I live in a studio (one room) unit in HUD housing (low income.) Earlier in my life, about 20 years ago, I found myself in similar circumstances and I moved into a camping club and lived in an RV. Neither situation hurt me and both times it was my problem to solve. My adult children had their own.
Beyond that, there often is no “why” when an adult child turns on a parent. Women drive themselves nuts looking for a reason, looking for logic…when there is none. They are adults and they get to make up adulthood to their own liking. Some want to rewrite history and blame us for everything that wasn’t/isn’t perfect. Often our hopes and dreams suffer the consequences.
You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. Life isn’t over and it’s about more than our “kids.” I am 84 and have not been a live-in parent for almost 40 years. My life in anything but lonely and I am anything but a failure.
Please consider coming over to my Web-forum where issue with adult children and extended families are faced and often worked through in a supportive environment. We’re at: www.WiseWomenUnite.com You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise