Question: Dear Luise: My boyfriend is mentally and emotionally abusive. I have a 51 year old boyfriend and I just know turned 40. We been together for 8 month and living together for about 6 months. He has accused me of cheating on him, with my sisters husband, the construction workers that the landlord hired, with both my daughters fathers, with the downstairs neighbor. When we go out in public he accuses me of looking at other guys. Is insane and very hurtful to me; I explained to him that hes behavior is abusive but there is not a way to convince him. Instead I keep changing my ways not to upset him. He takes care of the bills and he is basically spoiling me with many things. I lived alone with my 9 year old since she was born. He takes everything that belongs to him when he argues with me. The TV’s the Computer, the Phone, the Coffee maker, the utensils, the seasonings, everything that he has bought or belongs to him; gets taken away and even roughly taken out of my hand so I can not use them. He says is to show me how much he does for me. He recently even took my tooth brush and all the toilet paper because he also bought it. He has broken walls, doors,lights. Meanwhile also making sure and letting the neighbors hear what he says and does. I had to give my dog to a shelter because one time I was at my moms house and he took it out on the dog. He was pushing, shoving and slamming the dog against the walls the dog was bleeding all over the place. If I had not gotten in between and let him continue to insult me I think he would have killed him. I know he is abusive; is sad; the person one loves can in an instant shift on abusive gear so easily. I am so insulted and humiliated and verbally abused on a daily basis. I have learned to take it all in and no longer say anything to contradict him because I am scared of how he reacts. I guess this is not a question but sort of an OMG how did this happen?, Why he blames me? for he’s behavior. Why I still want to be with him? Is there really nothing else no-one can do before he actually hurts me physically? Thank You. D.
Answer: Dear D.: “Why” doesn’t matter. What your boyfriend does makes sense to him but his “whys” will never make sense to you. You know in your heart that what he does for you when he isn’t nuts, isn’t enough. If it were, you wouldn’t be writing to me. Self-love and self-respect are needed for you to be able to leave… otherwise you are probably right and you are eventually going to be physically hurt. Get help if you need to from your pastor or a counselor or a restraining order from the police. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise