Who Is This Guy Who Calls Me Mom

Question: Dear Luise: My son will not talk to me.  We had a small fight earlier in Dec but we have since made up. We have always been close and when he gets upset with me wants space. He is 23 and married with a baby. 5 months in town and I was trying to find out where he lived because he said I could see the baby. I work and I do not depend on him.  I thought maybe I could visit him and his wife, (who is so painfully shy that it is interfering with her life) and the baby…maybe a couple time a month for about 2 hours each.  But he won’t tell me where he lives.  He won’t answer his phone calls and he won’t email me back.  I keep asking him what is wrong; begging him to tell me what is going on; I can only guess.  I even called up where he worked just to make sure he was still alive. I do not call his work because I don’t want to get them involved or pester him.  I believe everyone should have his or her own opinion and I am not going to smother him.  But this is totally out of his nature. It is so irrational of him. He is really a mature and rational person.  I keep coming up with it must be his wife’s fault. Maybe she decided she did not want his side of the family around or she is in post-baby depression. I haven’t said anything bad about his wife. I even try to say good things and give them gifts like clothes or candy or shoes since they are just starting out but I try not to over do it and I always tell them if they don’t want me to do it to tell me.  But he will not talk to me to tell me why he is ducking me. I wish I could stop loving him and pretend he doesn’t exist because he is really hurting me.  I will give him time but now I am starting to get really mad.  I am afraid if he does contact me I may say something stupid like “who are you, I don’t know you,” which would defeat the purpose of having a relationship with him and his wife and baby.  Help I am at my wits end. C.

Answer: Dear C.: You didn’t describe the subject of the fight you had with your son and I wonder if it was about your interest in your granddaughter and your wish to experience an extended family. It sure seems like a hot topic…mostly reflecting her shyness and his protectiveness. I don’t see you as that far off base.

I think you are right, though. Your requests were misunderstood. In retrospect you now know that you should have waited for them to take the lead. Unfortunately, none of us has crystal ball.

I don’t see anything you can do now except wait and hope that it isn’t forever. You have done everything possible to apologize…with no response. Your son knows how you feel and what you want. To keep it up will only add fuel to the fire.

Please come over to my web-forum: www.motherinlawsunite.com It looks to me like you could use some support. Blessings. Luise

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