What’s Going On in this Relationship

Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now, and it started off great. We used to cuddle, kiss and do all the little stuff that meant a lot to me. She has a kid with another guy. She does not talk to him and he did not sign the baby’s birth cert., so he is not a part of our lives. But for the past month things have changed. We never cuddle…never do the little things that we used to. Now all of a sudden she’s saying that she’s smothered and wants to do things by herself for herself. She gets mad when I ask what she’s doing if we are not together. She takes it as I don’t trust her. We were talking about getting engaged and started looking to build a house about 3 weeks ago, and now she’s telling me that she was just saying that because she felt like she had to. Also she talked about me adopting her child and now she says she was just saying that too. What should I do? I am at a loss and confused. She is sending me mixed signals all the time. M.

Answer: Dear M. She isn’t sending mixed messages as far as I can see. She started out a few months ago liking you and how you are…and now that has come to an end. The message has changed.

We are all very different regarding how much affection we enjoy. Many women live lives without any real show of affection from their spouses and would love to be cuddled by an attentive mate on a regular basis. She may have thought it was wonderful at first but it’s quite clear that it’s not really her thing. For you, it is part of relating. It’s how you are and what you do.

I would suggest that you cut her loose. She isn’t going to change and neither are you. If you are both this unhappy this soon, it’s a no-go. There seems to be a huge gap between the way each of you feels and expresses your feelings. It’s clear she’s been denying that and pretending. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you. You’re just not a match.

Most long-lasting relationships are work. They just don’t happen. And the effort required needs to be balanced with a lot of compatibility, joyfulness and fun to make it worth it. Blessings, Luise

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