Question: Hi there, Luise: My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. We have a 2 month old. Since having my son, a lot of the issues I had been pushing down for so long with my husband are surfacing. We are complete opposites and argue about practically everything. I find myself feeling resentful towards him for not being the husband I think he should. I know that’s not fair but I cant help it. He doesn’t think talking about it with a stranger will do any good. So, I am taking steps to seek personal therapy. Is there anything else I can do to avoid divorce? Angela
Answer: Dear Angela: Probably not. There are many reasons for picking a mate that doesn’t fit. Some people just think “it will all work out” and of course it doesn’t. Some have come from homes where serious incompatibility was the norm and are just replaying what was patterned for them. Others, believe it or not, find constant fighting invigorating and see any cease-fire as a sign of a dead relationship. I kid you not!
A baseline of great physical chemistry just isn’t going to do it…alone. However, it is often so compelling that by the time many of us come to that realization, we are married and have a family.
The hardest thing to face is the fact that the guy you married is how he is. It’s how he always was. You just didn’t see it. And as you have said, you ignored it when you did begin to realize all was not well.
What comes next has to do with how each of us reacts to failure. Some are martyrs and pledge themselves to a life of quiet desperation and some try to run the show by trying, unsuccessfully, to shape the guy into the “mold-most-wanted”. There are endless variations but they all have one thing in common…the guy “as is” just doesn’t cut it.
It looks to me like you are doing what needs to be done. You are facing the tiger. You have discussed marriage counseling and gotten a “no” and you are getting help for yourself. In the process, you will find out more about youself and your own limits and short suits. There’s always the possibility that when you begin to work on the issues at hand, he will respond favorably and join you in ironing out the wrinkles. Probably not, but who knows? Blessings, Luise