Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my fiance for almost four years now, and lived with him for 2. He’s like my best friend, but over the past year things have been getting shaky. The intimacy is gone, and we don’t do much together anymore. I find my self wanting to do something, and immediately wonder which of my friends isn’t busy. We’ve talked about this, a lot, and it usually gets better for a short time, and goes back to the way it was. I have thought about leaving, but I’m afraid of being alone, or that I’ll regret it. On one hand, I feel like we should have stayed friends. On the other, I know that relationships evolve, and people can’t be all things for each other. He’s a great guy other than the physical/mental intimacy part- caring, thoughtful, financially stable, easy going… BUT we don’t really do anything together, and if we do something that I want to, he’s usually tired or his back hurts, or has a head ache. You give wonderful advice, and I was hoping for your opinion. L.
Answer: Dear L.: Being afraid of being alone is not a very good foundation for a relationship. It sounds to me like you have found a great friend and also a great roommate, if that’s all you want. If you want more, it is going to be with someone else.
When sexual expression and hanging out together ends in a relationship, it is a red flag. You’ve talked about it and tried to change it but then it goes back to the way it was…because that’s the way it is.
For most people, it is too hard to stay together and adapt to such radical changes. They need to start over. Find a real roommate if you don’t like being alone, count your guy as a good friend and open yourself up to someone new. You deserve better. Blessings, Luise