Question: Dear Luise: My future mother in law is very disrespectful towards me. She is really close to my fiance’s ex-girlfriend and whenever she has the opportunity she talks about her and makes comments that are unnecessary. This past thanksgiving she asked me if I considered myself insecure. I asked her why would she say such a thing and she said because I refused to have his ex around me. I proceeded to tell her that is not an insecurity issue but rather an issue of respect. I don’t need to meet her and her son (my fiance) does not want anything to do with his ex either. So I guess what I’m trying to say that she (my mother in law) has done this for the whole time we have been together and she always says “I’m sorry” but does it again. I hit my boiling point and called it to her attention and she had the nerve to make the situation about how hurt she was that I’m such an ungrateful person. I want things to get better because this is seriously affecting my relationship with my fiance but I’m not willing to sacrifice my dignity and respect for someone that I’m not sure even truly cares for me. What should I do? J.
Answer: Dear J. I sure wish I could match you up with the wonderful mother-in-laws who write to me about hateful daughter-in-laws, but then you wouldn’t be with the right guy!
You are getting one that is going to give you trouble. Well, she already has. It is so childish and manipulative to act as she does and then try to make you look bad.
It’s natural for you to want things to get better but you have to accept that she may not have it in her. She may learn to care for you eventually but right now she is very cruelly making it clear whom she wants for a daughter-in-law.
Since she is acting in such an immature and superficial way, it is up to you to be polite and not get into it with her. Truthfully, you are the adult here. You’re the person your fiance wants to spend the rest of his life with. You hold the high card in this situation. He also sees through his mother’s behavior, which is a real blessing.
Do what you have to do with her on a social level, be on your guard when you are around her and stay away as much as is humanly possible…(without being too obvious.) It’s just the way it is…because she comes with the guy you love. It’s a package deal, unfortunately. Remember…if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t be here.
Try not to carry tales and don’t get into back-stabbing. Rise above it as much as you possibly can. There’s a reason your fiance chose a person unlike her. It’s his respect for you that matters. Blessings, Luise