Question: My father was an abusive man. We would get severe beatings after he would get hom from being out of town all week. I have 6 brothers and sissters. I moved away from my family because I found myeself going to jail like the rest of my brothers and sisters. When I moved away I got married and had 3 wondeful kids. I keept my kids and wife at a distance from my family for fear they would be like them. Out of all the family, I am the only one who went on to college and found a decent job for the last 25 years. My brothers and sister are always waiting for me to fail. My kids are now successful and happy with thier lives. My sister once told me she hated comoing to my house for the holidays because my family seemed so happy all tht time. As time went on, I bought a home from my parents in 2004. I put in $50,000.00 in home improvements and went to pay the house off and they tried to raise the price on me because the house was worth double what I paid from all the work on it. When I refused to pay the extra money, they hired an attorney to toss me out, I was told I had been renting and all the improvements were gifts to my parents. (This was started by my sister). I had emails from my dad on the original agreement but he started liying on the balance. I had records of all my payments and cut a check fr $27,000 to pay it off. He wanted more. I hired a realestate attorney and he read the agreement but since it was in email and not signed by dad, we would need to go to court. My dad was really mad that I was going to fight him. My attorney said it could cost $20,000 to fight and maybe 2 years in the court. I offered my dad an extra $6,000 and he refused it, he wanted another $40,000. (They found out I married a woman who is well off). They talked to her while I was at work and she was going to give them the extra $40,000 to keep from having a fight. I found out and put a stop to it. I told my wife, we had an agreement and they were trying to take money from us. My brothes and Sisters all said I should just give mom and dad the house and walk away because I could start over. (I believe my brothers and sisters were hoping to get the house after mom and dad pass, my brothers and sisters have no jobs or pensions. Most are drunks and drug addicts. My dad called me Greedy because I would not give him the extra money. He was the greedy one for lieing and trying to take it from me. I got the house after giving him an extra $10,500 more than we original price. He still wanted more but my attorney had enough evidence to take him to court and file claims with theh IRS (he said I had been renting but my attorney asked for his schecule C for rental income) Dad knew we had him and it would open a can of worms for the IRS. Today my 31 year old daughter called me, she was in tears. Her Grandpa said he, mom, my brothers and sisters will not come to her wedding if I am there and if she did not like it and it ruined their relationship, that was to bad! I have always insisted the kids keep a neutral on the house deal between dad and I becuase only we knew the agreement. How come my dad can’t do this with my kids. I should also mention, my brothers and sisters think I am stuck up because I did not have much to do with them after I moved. They have stolen from my kids and me. I felt it was best for my kids so they would not turn out like so many of my nephews and nieces have. My kids are very successful, my brothers and sisters kids are so messed up! I believe I did the right thing by removing them from the toxic envioronment my parents, brothers and sisters create. I see the exact same problems they had in their own kids. My life has been very good, my kids are happy. But I think I have some jealous family memmbers. R.
Answer: Dear R.: You’ve broken the pattern. That is very difficult to do and I commend you for the effort you had to make to do that and the results obtained.
Why your daughter would want any of your clan at her wedding is beyond me. I would remain calm and leave the decision up to her. Weddings come and weddings go. The family solidarity you have built isn’t worth taking a stand on this.
She has to choose…because she has been given an ultimatum. Back her 100% in whatever she decides and be the bigger person that you always have been. Let the accusations fly right past you, and the lies…and rise above what you have risen above before. Blessings, Luise