Question: Dear Luise: What can you do when you have a daughter in law that acts like she loves you around others and then tells horrible stories about how you treat her? My son, for some reason, does not come home any more unless her family has a function. My husband and I always treated her like the daughter we never had. We only had the one son. This has been going on for 24 years and we have said nothing, too keep from interfering in their marriage. We were a very close family until this happened. We changed our will and left it too the children who are wonderful. They call us come too see us and love us dearly. My son treats her parents so good and kind. It’s very hurtful, but after all, that’s the way I brought him up. I am sick over this and wake up in the night wondering what I could have done and why we are not welcome there. We even gave them the down payment for there home. I do not know what too do. Can you give me any insight as to what is the matter with them?. We had our 50th anniversary and did not even get a card. She and her siblings gave her parents a large anniversary party and we were not invited. A.
Answer: Dear A.: I can’t give you much insight but I can tell you that your question is the most commonly asked question on my website. I have heard it hundreds of times. A DIL is accepted with open arms but she still systematically alienates her husband from his parents…and he puts up with it.
It appears to have something to do with a new family unit being established and the issue of supremacy coming up for the new bride. She rules the roost and her family becomes the only in laws.
There doesn’t appear to be any logic to it and there is nothing that sets it off…(except their union.) The son’s parents are mystified and heartbroken as they realize that war has not only been declared but they have lost without even knowing what the fight was about. Grandchildren are taken prisoner, as well. It is a terrible commentary on what many extended families have become in today’s society. I’m so sorry you and your husband are among the walking-wounded.
Please come over to the web-forum I have designed around this issue and share your experience with the others. You will find much compassion there. The URL is: www.motherinlawsunite.com Blessings, Luise