They Need Someone To Blame

Question: Dear Luise: I too have a problem with my DIL and son. In the 12 years they’re married I have given themover $120,000. Maybe almost $200,000. Wedding, honeymoon, furniture, big down payments on 2 different houses… I am not rich.  I was a divorced secretary but  gave all to give him a good start with his wife in another state.  I did expect they would be grateful.  But no,  they act annoyed that I would have any expectations from them.  I had a big fight with my DIL over her rude behavior ONCE and now they are showing their contempt for me big time, even though I apologized.  They seemed to like me better when I was a little more pathetic. I’m in better shape than DIL and married now to a doctor.  They’re very blue collar. When one is unhappy with one’s self, one tends to look for someone to blame.  Who better than a parent? R.

Answer: Dear R.: Who better, indeed. You were a whole person before you became a mother and you have created a new life for yourself that does not depend on the expectations we all seem to have regarding our adult children. Good for you. Sometimes they feel inadequate when we help them, and blame us for that. That’s pretty convoluted thinking. Move on and enjoy your life. Let go when you can of wanting them to be different than they are…it’s a lost cause. Blessings, Luise

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