Question: Dear Luise: I’m having a problem with my boyfriend of 4 years. For close to 2 years we’ve been playing house together splitting the bills, working taking care of the household chores and making love as if we were married, etc. Everything is going great aside from him asking me to marry him. Our lease at this apartment is coming up. I’m 30 years old I’ve never been married or have children. He’s the same. He wants us to move 65 plus miles away from where we live currently. Worried about my career move, my money and about my emotional/relationship security. Do I move and take the plunge hoping he’ll commit or is this emotional suicide? I’m tired of playing the game. J.
Answer: Dear J.: You need to open up some serious communication between the two of you. There’s no relationship that can flourish where assumptions and guesses have to be the basis for major decisions.
It would seem foolish, to me, for you to uproot yourself if your guy has one idea about where the relationship is going and what he wants from it, and you have another.
There are many committed couples out there, as you know, that aren’t married. My son and his lady have both been divorced and just don’t think, even after 12 years, that tying the knot proves anything or guarantees the future. I agree with them to a point, but I think there are a lot of legal benefits that need to be thought through, like her getting his Social Security if he passes on before she does, etc.
The other side of the coin is there’s also a lot of documentation out there that supports the premise that couples who were doing just great, as you seem to be, bit the dust after saying “I do.”
Often what’s behind not asking where we stand is the fear that our question it will cause an eventual breakup. It’s the “don’t rock the boat” approach. The trouble is if the boat isn’t moving, we often aren’t getting anywhere.
You favor marriage, obviously. What does he think and why? It’s time to get the issue out on the table to see if you can structure something you can mutually agree on. If at all possible, approach it from the point of view of wanting to know where he’s coming from…not from forcing him to see it your way.
The impending move is going to turn your world upside down. It would probably be wise to know where he’s coming from before you make your final decision.
You said it all at the end of your questions when you said, “I’m tired of playing the game.” Blessings, Luise