Question: Dear Luise: I feel that I am not in harmony with my husband. So much so that I feel he is an obstacle in my progress. At the same time I am aware that I need to change something in my perception. I’m unable to pinpoint it and adapt. Wasting lot of energy in this and also unable to get on with life with or without him. Can you give me some insights to resolve this issue? V.
Answer: Dear V.: You and your husband may be experiencing a difference in personal growth patterns. It’s quite common and there’s very little I know of that you can do about it.
Sometimes it’s tolerable and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it creates an inconsistent relationship that keeps you on edge and dissatisfied. By that I mean, you can’t stay and you can’t go. You weigh the pros and the cons and feel stuck.
No marriage, of course, is perfect. You have to give a little here and adjust a little there. But the balance gets off if you have to do too much adapting and don’t feel challenged, fulfilled and/or understood. When that happens, it is often with one partner, only. The other is often content and doesn’t see a problem.
There are people who are committed to personal growth and there are those totally satisfied with the status quo. Before marriage most of us don’t have a clue which of us will fit which category. We have also all seen couples that grow together as the years go by. We may admire that but we can’t replicate it through effort. It happens…or it doesn’t.
If you find you can’t sort this out on your own, you may need to aid of a counselor. Many people sit on the fence and do nothing because they simply don’t know what to do. You are already seeing how much energy that takes and how little result it produces. Blessings, Luise