Something Isn’t Right in my Marriage

Question: Dear Luise: I feel that I am not in harmony with my husband. So much so that I feel he is an obstacle in my progress. At the same time I am aware that I need to change something in my perception. I’m unable to pinpoint it and adapt. Wasting lot of energy in this and also unable to get on with life with or without him. Can you give me some insights to resolve this issue? V.

Answer: Dear V.: You and your husband may be experiencing a difference in personal growth patterns. It’s quite common and there’s very little I know of that you can do about it.

Sometimes it’s tolerable and sometimes it isn’t. Most of the time it creates an inconsistent relationship that keeps you on edge and dissatisfied. By that I mean, you can’t stay and you can’t go. You weigh the pros and the cons and feel stuck.

No marriage, of course, is perfect. You have to give a little here and adjust a little there. But the balance gets off if you have to do too much adapting and don’t feel challenged, fulfilled and/or understood. When that happens, it is often with one partner, only. The other is often content and doesn’t see a problem.

There are people who are committed to personal growth and there are those totally satisfied with the status quo. Before marriage most of us don’t have a clue which of us will fit which category. We have also all seen couples that grow together as the years go by. We may admire that but we can’t replicate it through effort. It happens…or it doesn’t.

If you find you can’t sort this out on your own, you may need to aid of a counselor. Many people sit on the fence and do nothing because they simply don’t know what to do. You are already seeing how much energy that takes and how little result it produces. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Something Isn’t Right in my Marriage

  1. M. April 6, 2009 at 9:58 am #

    Dear Luise: I have been married 22 months together 7 years. In the first two weeks we lost my Father in law when we were on our Honey moon and the down hill continued. At 6 months married we had our second miscarriage. Then the month that made one year wedding anniversary I discovered he was having an affair with a very older women. This whole thing has devastated me I have never felt so hurt alone and betrayed. He does not want a divorce or willing to let me go ..but it’s been 9 months and I feel horrible I think of it everyday we tried therapy it went no where. NOW get ready I find him chatting AGAIN using the old undercover name he used as his AKA this time he is talking to cross dressers I am bewildered I brought everything up he said relax nothing will ever happen again. I am only 28 and feel maybe it is time to resolve this marriage but I am so scared of in a year or so missing my life with him our marriage all my hard work with him on sooo many issues his mother would say ohhh you have a nervous Italian stomach now after years I believe he may have Hypo mania. Thank you for your ear on this just looking for an educated voice. M.

    • Luise April 6, 2009 at 11:30 am #

      Dear M. Self-respect is what determines whether we stay or go in situations that do not nurture and support us. I would never stay but it is you we are concerned about. Life lie ahead of you. Why would you take the crumbs that are being tossed your way? Yes, you have worked hard but you have a pretty dismal result. Why not see what else life has in store? Blessings, Luise

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