Question: Dear Luise: I have been married for almost 6 years, in the course of the past 5 years my husband has left the marriage 3 times for reasons only he can excuse. Of course I am the reason for him leaving, according to him. My husband and I had very different upbringing; different values and different principles. After moving out, renting his own place three times. I have taken him twice but this time I am refusing. He has two sons from previous relationships and I have three sons from a previous marriage. He is very lenient with his sons, especially with his oldest, whose mother died when he was 3. My husband puts his son’s word before mine. For two years his son was addicted to pills while living at home. I was not willing to accept it but wanted to give him a chance. After a while, when money started to disappear at home, I told my husband it was time to ask his 19 year old to leave the house. My husband said he would not do it. I finally told my husband that he needed to ask his son to leave or leave with him and needless to say he left. That was 8 months ago. My husband wants me back. He asks me all the time to take him back…however, I can still see some of the old behavior in him. I truly don’t think he has changed. I don’t trust him and actually think his standards have gone down from the day we met. What should I do? C.
Answer: Dear C.: Unless you want more of the same, it’s probably time to give up on the guy. None of us change much. We may want to in the worst way and sometimes we can change for a while…but when the novelty wears off we automatically go back to our basic programming. It’s just the way we’re put together.
Your husband has had lots of opportunity to show you that he can grow up and be accountable but that’s not happening. As the years go by, you said yourself that he is becoming less, not more. Early differences are getting more glaring and you are running out of patience.
From what you have written, it looks to me like he is one of the “boys” in the house and you are the only adult. What’s wrong with that picture? Blessings, Luise