Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been in a six-year relationship with someone I didn’t really like at first. He showed me so much love but he had a lot of personal problems with his mom. He became abusive I stayed. I had a son by him a year ago. The abuse stopped about four years ago. During that time I was feeling lonely so I decided that I wanted someone who could treat me better than he did, so I left him but I told him I was leaving and why. I didn’t stay away long because I was still in love with him. We got back together. He said he forgave me and he understood why I wanted to leave. He started dating a young girl. He left me and they had a baby. His mom started not to like me. He asked me to take him back and I did. He said he loved me but if that’s the case how could he have a child with someone else? His mom died and I’ve been there for him. He’s been showing me a lot of love. He even wants to get married. I love him but I’m scared he’s going to hurt me. The girl who had his baby will have to be in contact with him, of course. He tells me he loves me and he wants to get married next week. He told his family at his mom’s funeral and before. How can I learn to trust him? I know I hurt him, too. Can we really get past all this? Should I marry him? He doesn’t have a job but I love him. I am six years older then he is. My family really doesn’t care for him. I was a little worried about him going back to the young girl because she did seem to have a hold on him to the point were he left me for a while. He says he doesn’t love her. He only knew her for two weeks before she got pregnant but then he found out she slept with his friends. I really hope that isn’t the reason he realized he loves for me. S.
Answer: Dear S.: This is the kind of mess people can get into when they start having children when they are still children themselves. Growing up is difficult. Trying to be a parent at that time is hard on everyone concerned…including the babies.
You have a guy who isn’t perfect. You aren’t either…you left him, too. There are no guarantees. However, it feels to me like you have something between the two of you that is valuable and, as you mature, may become something reliable. To my way of thinking, mature people don’t sleep around, kids do. If you see that kind of behavior in “adults”, they are still kids at heart and have failed to become responsible.
Is your guy even sure he’s the father of that young girl’s child? Has a test been done, since she has obviously been sleeping around?
Talk with him. He may be getting as tired of all of this as you are. See if you can’t marry and start over and do a better job of communicating and supporting each other this time. Your family will probably like him well enough if you can pull it together in a way that works. Blessings, Luise