Should I Marry Him

Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been in a six-year relationship with someone I didn’t really like at first. He showed me so much love but he had a lot of personal problems with his mom. He became abusive I stayed. I had a son by him a year ago. The abuse stopped about four years ago. During that time I was feeling lonely so I decided that I wanted someone who could treat me better than he did, so I left him but I told him I was leaving and why. I didn’t stay away long because I was still in love with him. We got back together. He said he forgave me and he understood why I wanted to leave. He started dating a young girl. He left me and they had a baby. His mom started not to like me. He asked me to take him back and I did. He said he loved me but if that’s the case how could he have a child with someone else? His mom died and I’ve been there for him. He’s been showing me a lot of love. He even wants to get married. I love him but I’m scared he’s going to hurt me. The girl who had his baby will have to be in contact with him, of course. He tells me he loves me and he wants to get married next week. He told his family at his mom’s funeral and before. How can I learn to trust him? I know I hurt him, too. Can we really get past all this? Should I marry him? He doesn’t have a job but I love him. I am six years older then he is. My family really doesn’t care for him. I was a little worried about him going back to the young girl because she did seem to have a hold on him to the point were he left me for a while. He says he doesn’t love her. He only knew her for two weeks before she got pregnant but then he found out she slept with his friends. I really hope that isn’t the reason he realized he loves for me. S.

Answer: Dear S.: This is the kind of mess people can get into when they start having children when they are still children themselves. Growing up is difficult. Trying to be a parent at that time is hard on everyone concerned…including the babies.

You have a guy who isn’t perfect. You aren’t either…you left him, too. There are no guarantees. However, it feels to me like you have something between the two of you that is valuable and, as you mature, may become something reliable. To my way of thinking, mature people don’t sleep around, kids do. If you see that kind of behavior in “adults”, they are still kids at heart and have failed to become responsible.

Is your guy even sure he’s the father of that young girl’s child? Has a test been done, since she has obviously been sleeping around?

Talk with him. He may be getting as tired of all of this as you are. See if you can’t marry and start over and do a better job of communicating and supporting each other this time. Your family will probably like him well enough if you can pull it together in a way that works. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Should I Marry Him

  1. S. April 5, 2010 at 6:45 am #

    Dear Luise: Im unable to do my daily tasks. And unable to concentrate on my studies, from past six months. My aim is to get top rank in group services and im preparing for it from last 3years. But im unable to concentrate on my aim these days. im disturbing a lot.
    My problem is im in love with one person, ,whom I met past five years back,, he too likes me, talk with me daily. I know his whole family very well , and infact I know their relatives each and every one .
    Let me describe him, I will call him with his pet name bujji, im such close to him since 5years, he will share each and every thing with me. YOU DON’T BELIEVE B. IN THESE 5 YEARS NEVER GOT ANGRY OR FRUSTATION OR IRRITATION ON ME ATLEAST ONCE. IM HEARTFULLY SAYING TRUTH. B, IS VERY VERY VERY PATIENT ENOUGH . Infact his personal s matters also, he tells me each and every event happening to him. His most sorrowful moments whether it may relate the matter of self dissatisfaction and self satisfaction. His family members are 5. as our family. They are his mother who is housewife, a money minded person(she dislikes me. sorry the word doest suits she hates me..) father vro (revenue department)) as well as business man. Very dedicated ,hardworking and most responsible person. Whom I love most.(he too likes me and treats as his own daughter). He has two sisters who are younger to him. First sis got love marriage. And second sis pure traditional marriage ,married to family relative whom even im very close to their family. My pain and problem is about bujji , im very much attached (addicted)to him in all my financial , personal matters, career decisions. I wont do a single work with out telling to him. In single line to say he is mirror to all my feelings,thoughts, etc etc. Starting from dressing styles ,diet, entertainment,career plans, family problems, family happy moments, shopping, purchasing new things, at last coming to wall decoratives,wall painting colors we both discuss and come to single decision .infact he asked me about his first sis love matter whether it is good or not? And discussed many times sitting lonely and came to a decision. we both like each other in such manner that both wants to compromise for other one to make happy. I treat all their friends, family members,family relatives very well and spare time with them.i know each and every person of his family relatives also and they too like me very well. they give suggestions and take suggestions. Coming to community he is velama, hindu.(indian) Im Brahmin hindu.(indian) So our eating habits are naturally different, as he is nonveg, im veg. but we always compromise.
    So , you all feel our life is perfect,and we may be happy couple if we marry. But im sorry, recently B. is asking me to marry whom ever my parents show that is according to the wish of my parents( I feel you understood my parents are anty to us) recently I got a match whom my whole family liked, he is ntoc engineer, mtech qualified. Very intelligent, reserved,cool.( he will be lonely all time and dont want to involve in any matter surround him. he will think ten times to buy a handkerchief such miser, but never speaks anything infront of anyone.(dont express his fellings quickly.)had good respect towards elders. He is my family friend infact. So my relatives along with my family members wants me to marry him. But I rejected.(im i correct?) Coming to B. even he has some negatives. He has girl friends with whom B. chitchats . but never forwards in any matter im sure, even in case of sex. he is not employed, ( im not much botherd about his job, as I can earn by taking a job) looking after his dad,s business,though completed btech in 2004 still searching for software job .but there are no signs of a positive results. He has a habit of taking beer at times, I mean to say he is drunkard occasionally, in past I never use to ask about his bad habit , but now im not liking this . and recently his mobile is continously getting engaged , I asked the reason he started lying and once when I took his mobile he angrly shouted at me and in this moment we both caught injured. I feel you understood that that there is a entry of third person. Even I don’t know the persons name and place. While im trying to find this his friends are also hiding something behind me, and giving me suggestion to marry according to the wish of my parents. I don’t know why? And now a days when ever im meeting him he is hiding his mob, and getting swithing off his mob. If I seriously ask whether you have any girl friends? He certainly says no. and if I ask will you marry me , he says yes but asks me to wait until he get a job. And tells me if I continue with this business I hardly earn money.( he gives least importance to moneymindee people) infact he helps all his relatives friends by giving money for reasonable needs.) he is saying and more over your family don’t agree if im a business man.( which is really true my parents don’t like business person to marry me.). from other side “H.”, he is B. first sister husband , who is very cool.reserved, and very disciplined , punctual in his manner. He looks after his wife very well, he is working in statebank of India. He doesn’t have a single bad habit. He doesn’t have a single friend who is a girl. And dislikes talking with any girl or having too many friends. He always wants to spend time with his wife. After his office hours.
    These days, im thinking too much to get a husband like him. So that I will have mental peace. And happy.
    Im I thinking correct? im mentally and physically attached to bujji and unable to avoid him. and getting nerves if he is not talking with me. i did mba from icfai university which is top4 bussiness school in india.but silly to say these days im unable to concentrate on anything. i have a habit of educating poor students and helping them clarifying thier subjectdoubts,daily ill teach 2hours for primary,higher standard students, these days im unable to clear thier simple doubts.
    i dont have faith on god,but B. mademe a devotee of god by preaching all indian philosphy.i use to spend time rarely with my family and relatives and friends. but bujji made me known the love and affection for family gives us the most happy feelings and i realized a lottt.
    kindly suggest me whom should i marry??? S.

    • Luise April 12, 2010 at 8:01 am #

      I think you should follow B.’s advice and move on. Why would you want a man who is untrustworthy? That will never change. Dishonesty of any kind is a character defect. That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to accept the man your family prefers but you certainly could look more closely at the possibility. Be careful if he is a miser. There are many rich wives who have to beg; you don’t want to become one of them. You would need to establish some kind of prenuptial, permanent, financial arrangement to be able to seriously consider him. You are right that a peaceful and fulfilling life is to be sought and you will never find it with B. in my opinion. Blessings, Luise

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