Question: Dear Luise: I’m 33 years old and divorced. I have a son 5.5 years old. I have a conflict with my ex husband. I have had a married boy friend. He’s 44 years old. I have a stable job but its not enough to pay all my expenses. My boyfriend has helped me financially. I met an Englishman from a dating site. After chatting on the net, talking on the phone all day and night, he came to see me in my country. We love each other. He stayed for 2 weeks in my town. Now we are engaged. But I’m scared about my financial future. He has a plumbing job that he runs by himself in the daytime and at night, he works in a restaurant. I don’t want to quit everything here for uncertain condition. I have a son that I have to think about. He said he can manage me and my son since school is free in his country. If the marriage fails, I will have nothing; job and no money. He said he won’t ever cheat on me or break my heart. As you know we cant trust a person 100%, even when we marry. It seems so difficult. I mean about the papers that I have to work out. and about my ex husband. He will stand on my way if he knows I will take my son with me to another country even he’s under my custody. Pleases help me, Luise. Thank you so much for your kind attention. R.
Answer: Dear R. You have good reason to be concerned. You really don’t know the new guy all that well. I’ve lost track of how many marriages fail but the percentage is very high and no one gets married thinking it’s going to happen to him or her. Everyone thinks it’s “forever.” Promises are made sincerely but no one has a crystal ball; no one can be absolutely sure they will keep those promises. For instance, how long does this new person think he can work two jobs and how long will you be comfortable with him being gone more than he’s home? There are a lot of unanswered questions that being “in love” doesn’t address.
You also didn’t mention what it might mean to your son to never see his biological father again, or how the boyfriend who has been helping you out financially might feel. There are a lot of considerations.
You clicked on the web and on the phone and you had great chemistry when you met but none of that is about durability, consistency, loyalty or even compatibility. It takes time to learn how much of those qualities either of you have to offer or even how much you might need. Time is the way that all comes to the surface and living in two different countries…you are going to do more fantasizing via email and the phone than you are going to be developing a solid foundation to base a mature decision on.
It might work out beautifully and be the smartest thing you ever did…but it seems “high-risk: to me. The way you stated your question didn’t sound like you are a high-risk person. Blessings, Luise