Question: Dear Luise: I have 4 sons we where all very close untill my Eldist son told us he was gay 5 years ago. For 3 years i was in denile and tryed to ignor it,he was 18 when he told us i was devistated .Slowly slowly i started to come to terms with it as i love my children very mutch ,however the next son down was not so forgiveing and now hates his brother completly and blames all his own downfalls on him.He has also started to hate me becouse i keep intouch with my gay son.He tells me as long as you see him ,you mean nothing to me.This is breaking my heart as i love all my children very mutch I just dont know how to deal with my second son anymore he has pushed us all away becouse we still love are son who is gay.My other two sons dont find it a problem only him.He is now leaving home and said he doesnt want to see any of us again should i let him go? J.
Answer: Dear J.: Your second son is already gone and you don’t have any real choice regarding whether or not to accept his decision. It’s his to make. What he hasn’t faced and may or may not ever be ready to look closely at is that his older brother’s sexual orientation isn’t “the problem.” He is using it as an excuse. Something else is behind his downfalls and they are his to deal with. At present blaming someone else works for him. He may someday be able to look at the truth on his own but no one can make him do that. It’s a perfect solution for him. “My brother is gay, therefore I _______.” Fill in the blank.
You have every right to let him know that you know he is troubled about something else. And you may also want to offer to help him enter and work through therapy if he gets to the point where he is ready for that…but do not let him think his older brother needs therapy because he doesn’t. He needs love and support which you have wisely offered. Good for you. Blessing, Luise