Question: I am 56 years old and my husband passed away a year and seven months ago. I was married to him for 33 years. Eight months after my husband died, I re-met a man I went to high school with. He is a wonderful man. He has been divorced eighteen years. He told me soon after we met he feels like he has always loved me. Things moved fast with us. Eight months later I am engaged. I have 4 grown children who like him but think I am moving too fast. It’s hard for them to see me with another man and I do understand this. I’m selling my house that I have lived in (20 years) and raised my kids. So you will know, the last seven years of my marriage was not good. My late husband had, to my knowledge, two affairs and become abusive. At that point I moved out for a year until he had his heart attack. I moved back home and it was three years later he died but during that time it was awful. He said cruel things to me, wanting a divorce, accusing me of things 25 years ago. I never grieved because of the anger I had. Now that the anger has passed, I think about the good times, the good memories and i can’t stop crying. I’m at the point where I can’t stand for my fiance to be at my house. I tried explaining to him how i felt but I think I hurt his feelings. My question is…is it normal for me to feel this way? The other thing is I’m torn between how my children feel about me getting married. I know there’s never a good time because they love their father and miss him. My friends and family tell me to get married, the kids will come around. whenever my family have get togethers or something…my two girls do not want him there but they are not rude to him. My two boys handle it better than the girls. He has been nothing but good to them and this hurts me. I’m put in the middle of a stressful situation. D
Answer: Dear D. It sounds to me like this is a time for counseling, not decision-making. When you do make a decision it needs to be from your heart, not to please others but I think that may be quite a way off.
Your fiance knows you are conflicted. Let him know you need to do some serious and probably deep work and being alone is going to have to be part of it. Then roll up your sleeves and get to work. You deserve some peace. Blessings, Luise