Question: Dear Luise: I have a daughter inlaw who attacked me verbally and attempted physically twice,in front of my son.The first time my son held her back,but she was struggling with force to grab at my face .Reason being, I went to their home rang the bell and ask if I could see my grandson who was already one month old and I had never seen him. I was not allowed to visit at the hospital, neither at the house, when I went to the house and rang the door bell she opened the door and told me I could not come in, I asked why, so, she called my son who also told me I could not come in, then I said to my son, why can’t I see the child and his wife’s family were all inside, upon hearing me, the wife stormed out and started screaming at me and then shouted get out get out and attempted to grab at my face, my son had to restrain her and she was really struggling to get at me,until a neighbour heard the commotion, looked out and calmly called out my name, then upon hearing and seeing the lady, my son’s wife immediately stopped and went in her home. I was standing outside of the house when all this happened. Louise,a few months after this went on my son asked me to allow his wife to come over to my home, I did, she never apoligised, but I continued to be ok with her despite of what she did to me. I did not see my grandson until he was about six months old, no members of my son’s family saw the child.until he was older. BY the way, we have never done anything wrong to her. I have never interfered. The next thing is, I attended a family wedding and travelled with my son and his wife to the wedding, on the way back from the wedding my daughters did not know how to get back home to get on the express way, they asked my son for directions, he eventually said follow him, his wife got angry, stormed in her car,( I was already sitting in the car), and started driving fast, and then complained that my daughters are asking for directions .meaning she did not like it, and she wanted me to join her with her comment about them asking for directions. I did not respond, she asked me a second and third time to respond, I then said I have no comment, She went wild because I did not join her in her verbal attack towards my daughters, at that time they knew nothing of it, neither did they know she was not pleased , that their brother who is her husband was giving them directions, they were a distant driving behind us. Luise, she was so angry I did not respond she screamed at me several times and ask me to answer her repeating answer me, what are you afraid of, you are afraid I will beat you up, you are afraid I will fight you, look at me look in my eyes, I will put the light on for you to see me, then she put the interior light on, and called all my name including my middle name too, and she rpeated again Look at me Look in my eyes answer me you are afraid I will beat you up you’re afraid I will fight you? I honestly said nothing, not a word to her, but in my heart I silently repeated the psalm 23 over and over, suddenly, she stopped the vehicle and my son finally said what are you doing? where are you going? she did not respond, and she got out of the vehicle came to my side in the passenger seat at the back opened the door stretched her arm with her fingers all out, ready to grab me out of the vehicle, (a truck) suddenly I heard! Hey, what are you doing what’s going on? why have you stopped the vehicle on the highway? that’s dangerous what are you doing out of the vehicle? Louise, that voice was my daughter’s she caught up with her. Louise i am tired i am an old woman, i did nothing to her. Now my daughters think I should speak to her, i keep away.she threatened to hurt me. am I wrong to keep away? MY daughters had thanksgiving dinner with them, and left me alone.I had dinner alone at home. I have never done or said anything negative to my son or his wife.My son witnessed the attack said nothing.He could have said stop, mom is not responding stop, Louise, he just sat there looking straight ahead. My heart aches, Yes! my daughters know she is wrong, but want to please their brother, I fear this woman will hurt me if I interact with her again. She threatend to come to my home and job after the attack on the express way. My son called me and cautioned me about it. He did not explain. He knows the type of person she is , so he might have been afraid she would really come to my home and job and carry on her threat. Please Louise tell me if I am wrong to keep away from her . I have to protect my self from this woman. She might hurt me. I was 62 when this happened. My daughters don’t agree with me, they too have had their share from her, again, they did nothing to cause it. when she had the first and second child she did not allow them in to see the baby neither at hospital or the home, That includes my son’s friends and his Dad too. If I only say hello we will interact like family , and I know the same or worse will happen, so I have to think of me, and protect my self by keeping away from her. When I was OK with her she did not allow my son to take the children to see me, and now I still don’t see them. He comes with them sometimes at christmas mother’s day and maybe once in a while .Please tell me if I am wrong not to speak to her . she is very evil. When she married my son all was ok with us, my daughters were her bridesmaid, we have never seen the wedding pictures not even the video. She went all on her own to pick the bridesmaids dresses for them at Lord and Taylor, took it over to them.They did not know she was buying the dresses . they thought she would do what normal brides do. The attack on the highway was the last straw for me .MY daughters are now gathering around her,it came to the point where they said they are doing nothing for Thanksgiving, knowing they had plans to go to her home for dinner, and leave me all alone. She has never spent Christmas or Thanksging with us, always with her family, and my son won’t even ask her to share, and I never complained to him just to keep the peace, and she still found a way to cause trouble. Sorry this is so long, Luise, there is more, i could go on and on telling you of all the pain I have gone through with my son’s wife. I am now tired, and can’t endure anymore. Please PLease give me your opinion, even my older grandchildren are now on her side. I am all alone Luise.. What do you think? please tell me. I thank you. M
Answer: Dear M. This is a rock and a hard place…a darned of you do, darned if you don’t thing. No matter what you do, the situation is loaded because she is. You can’t help your daughters being taken in by it. You can’t change your son. I do see your going to their home and insisting on seeing the baby as invasive. It’s their choice.
I am 23 years older than you are, so I know your life isn’t over. Build a new one that doesn’t revolve around your adult children and your hurt. There are many places to go and many things to do. I do a lot of volunteering and feel both useful and loved. You deserve better. Give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise