Question: Dear Luise: After one month of marriage of my son-We all were gathered for my nephew’s wedding. There is a one ritual which is only performed by a sister-in-law to the groom. Lets say ” Ritual B ” At this wedding, my daughter-in-law is a sister-in-law to the groom. My d-i-l approaced to the groom to perform a “Ritual A” which was not for her. There was lot of noise at the place. I was loud in the crowd and asked her if someone told her to do this ritual. That sentence from my mouth hurt her so much that till now she is holding grudges. She is asking “Why did I say that and Why did I say so loud in front of everyone”. My tone and my voice is still ringing in her ears. Yes! It was not a big deal, she could do Ritual A and Ritual B. I did not mean to hurt her. At that time, it was very spontenous. I have talked to her once but even after 3 years of their married life. She is still hanging on to that incident. On other hand, there are incidences where I felt insulted but I let go. I learn to frogive and forget. Why people do not look into the mirror before they point fingers on others? I can change myself but what do I do. I have asked for fogiveness althought I did not mean anything bad. I am trying my best to please her. My son is on both sides. He has tried enough. Her Mom is a lovely lady. We get along very well. M.
Answer: Dear M.: There is little any of us can do about the behavior of others. Some people are naturally forgiving and some find it almost impossible to forgive. My guess is that your DIL wants to be able to have something to hold over your head. She probably would have let go of the incident long ago if that wasn’t the case. It gives her some kind of sense of power or superiority. It’s not about you, so there is nothing you can do. It’s a flaw in her character and of course your son is caught in the middle. You deserve better but she is too “small” to give you a break, to see you as human and to let bygones be bygones. Keep on rising above it. Your own character is shining through. Blessings, Luise