Question: Dear Luise: For a very long time i have been asking these questions and i have gotten only mixed and unreliable answers. I really need someone to give it to me straight. My girlfriend and I have been together for over three years, and the first year things were great. We had an amazing and intimate relationship. We were passionate and in love. As you may have deduced from earlier comments the past tense is used quite often. Things are stale, and i don’t know what to do. She says she loves me and is really attracted to me, but she has massive intimacy issues. at one point she says she just needs time (I thought three years was enough but i guess not) and that she doesn’t want to end up like the rest of her family. Her family is a little on the dysfunctional side. I just do not understand why so many outside issues should follow into our sex life. I love her very much and i have dealt with it for two years, but I need passion and romance. I have fully expressed all of my concerns to her, but she always says she will change and nothing ever happens. I am getting to the point where i am losing my sex drive because i have been trying to let this all go. I have looked up foods and many other techniques to losing sex drive. I love her and want to be with her all my life so i am trying everything. I just want advice, what should I do? We are both virgins and i guess a sex life isn’t the word but we have done a lot of intimate acts of love and i just want to know if i am wrong to want her to change or if i am wrong for changing. i will do anything but i don’t think she is as ready as I. G.
Answer: Dear G.: One thing we just can’t do is to get another person to change. They may, over time, change on their own but even then, it usually isn’t from trying to change. People just evolve for lack of a better word and sometimes not the way we would wish.
If your interest is increasing and hers in diminishing, there isn’t much either of you can do for any sustained period of time. Probably neither of you is pleased with the distance that is forming because it’s not supportive. She isn’t dealing well with your intense interest in her and you aren’t doing any better with her increasing disinterest.
I know this sounds harsh but you just aren’t on the same page. The difference between you is defeating your attempts at having a viable relationship and I think that before long, you will have to give her up. You aren’t adjusting comfortably to the way she is and unfortunately that’s the way she is. Blessing, Luise