Question: Dear Luise: There is this girl who had been friends with me for about 2 years and we have been “best friends” but lately I had developed some feelings towards her and told her that I loved her and not just wanted to be the best friend. She is already in relationship and even after what i told her she continued to be friends with me. She also once had feelings towards me but later she declined saying that it was just an infatuation and she is over it now. SO we just moved on as best friends. I had also told her that i do not expect her to love me back or break up because of me but didn’t want to hide my feelings so I had told her that. And now all of a sudden she started loving me. She told me that she wants to be with me but she can’t hurt her boyfriend though she is not interested in being with him anymore. But she can’t break up with him too unless he does and he won’t because he wants her not matter what. So, I am a bit confused about what to do. I told her that it will be better if she tells her boyfriend that she can’t be with him any longer because she doesn’t love him. But she is not ready for that and keeps telling me that she loves me and wants to be with me. Does she really mean it or is it her infatuation again? Kindly advise. What should I do? And what should she do? A.
Answer: Dear A.: This is about honesty. Lying to someone so as not to hurt that person’s feelings is not about being a good person, it is dishonest. The problem is that if she lacks integrity you may be the one who is lied to next. I would explain that to her and let her know that you do not want to follow up on your feelings, if that is her decision and dishonesty is OK with her.
She has the right to make her own choices. You can’t make them for her. Some people as basically honest…while still knowing when to hold their tongues if the truth might hurt someone unnecessarily. However, being in a relationship makes it necessary in this case. Other people have to learn honesty the hard way by having to face the consequences of their dishonesty. She could, for instance, lose her best friend. Blessings, Luise