Why Won’t My Mother Talk About It?

Question: Dear Luise: Okay, my parent recently divorced and I would have to say my mom is kind of bitter right now. Today me and her got into an argument on my way home from work and it was over the fact I was sitting and talking with two guys I knew from work AND school, not just some random guys. I got off the same time they did and we were talking and she pulled up and as soon as I got in the car she started accusing me of being fast and being a h**. I told her I went to school with them and that they know my older brother but she wouldn’t listen so we got home and I called my older brother and told him what happened and he said just calm down and ignore her and I did. I then sent a text to a friend but I accidentally sent it to her in which said I hate her and she got really mad and when I tried to talk to her about it she blew me off and said i have nothing to say to her. I try and sit down and talk to my mother and I’ve done so many times but she always tells me what I have to say is not important to her and yes it hurts my feelings but now i don’t care. I’m tired of her accusing me of things I don’t do and calling me out of my name, I’ve been called every name in the book by her. I go to work and stay home and I don’t go out to parties or anything. She knows where I am at every point of my day, she even checks to see that I don’t skip work and I don’t give her a reason to think otherwise. She tells me what I can and cannot wear and my hobby is to read and now she tells me I can’t read anymore BS books and she took all my books and “donated” them to the library. They way she acts towards me is totally different to how she treats my younger brother even though we are only 1 year apart and I’m the oldest at 17. I want some type of freedom and I do regret telling her I hate her but when people hurt my feelings I have the tendency to hurt them back. Since she won’t sit down and have a conversation with me, what do I do? A.

Answer: Dear A.: Your mother knows that teenage girls get pregnant when they are out of sight. (She may be remembering her own teens, who knows?) She doesn’t guard your brother because he can’t get pregnant. He can cause a pregnancy but that is one step (a huge one) from being pregnant. She is fiercely trying to protect you.

She thinks she is being a good mother and her anger at you is her frustration with trying to do the impossible. She wants you to be a little girl again and she’s trying to create the kind of supervision you give small children. She’s terrified.

She’s way off base and unless you are an extremely unusual person, (which I think you may be because you wrote to me about this), she will create what she most fears…(your sneaking around.) You can talk to a counselor at school and the counselor can talk to your mother but that often makes things worse because she is convinced she is right. She won’t talk about it with you because she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say or be fair. She doesn’t want to change anything she is doing.

Your wisest course of action is to wait. I know that’s a horrible word…but you are very close to being on your own. Then you can set your own rules and standards.

It is normal to want to strike back and you will get better control over that as you mature. Most of us hate our loved ones (momentarily) at one time or another. Just don’t put it in writing. I have sent texts to the wrong person, too. Opps…and there’s no undoing it.  Try to protect yourself when you are really mad. You deserve so much better than this. I agree. Blessings, Luise

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