Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been in a relationship with this girl now for about a year. I’m 30 and she’s 31. We have been basically living together from the start and I’ve got to admit we did rush into things a bit quickly. We’ve been through some rough periods and pulled through them, which is good. At the moment I’m fully supporting her so she can pay off her debts. I’ve never been married and have no dependents. She was married and had a child who lives with the father. He, the father, has remarried and has started a new family, also. My problem is that she is not responsive to any affectionate gestures that I make and anything I do to try to interest her sexually is of no use. She just pushes me away. When she is in need of sex, she initiates it without any show of affection. This messes with my self-confidence…a lot. Help! J.
Answer: Dear J.: Many women complain of the opposite situation. Their guys are not affectionate or romantic and they feel “used” sexually…and abandoned, emotionally. That’s essentially your complaint, isn’t it…feeling somehow that you are uninvolved? You want and need to feel connected but every effort on your part fails…leaving you feeling worse.
If you have told her about this and she isn’t interested in addressing the issue regarding the emotional and sexual closeness that you want, I would move on. What you are asking for is at the core of intimacy and your need for it is totally normal.
It seems to me that any woman who would give up her child has some serious emotional limitations. Most women would do anything and everything possible to keep the child, even when it might be unwise. The maternal instinct is usually very strong and it is almost impossible to separate a mother from her child. That was the clue that you ignored in the beginning…that could have warned you not to expect much in the way of warmth and caring from her. Something’s missing.
You are very handy when it comes to helping her to pay off her debts but there has to be more to it than that to make it a viable relationship. Let her go and be more cautious concerning compatibility the next time you meet someone new…and you will. Blessings, Luise