She Feels I Am Letting Her Down

Question: Dear Luise: My daughter thinks I am not a great mother, grandmother because I moved to help my mother 2000 miles away and now that my mother is deceased I don’t move back.   Reasons for me are job with great benefits and I like where I am for the time.  I see them 2 months in the summer and 3 weeks at Christmas.  We keep in touch .   She is very distressed and feels I am letting her down. What to tell her…..She knows I love her…..A.

Answer: Dear A.: You can tell her, if she is willing to listen, that when her children are raised she may understand that better the parent’s job is done when their children become adults. There‘s no guarantee that any level of dependency will fcontinue. In fact, it often creates more problems that it solves.

We all have expectations. We are totally responsible for them, not the person we think should fulfill them. You have done your job and you have done it well. Now it is your turn. I faced the same thing when it was assumed that I would just love being an unpaid domestic. Many women thrive on it. However, I, too, had a great career with benefits and I was expanding into becoming the person I put on hold (and was glad to) when I elected to raise a family; one family, not two. Good for you for listening to your own drummer.

If you would like more feedback on this, come over to my Web-forum created for women working through issues with adult children and extended families. There is a lot of caring and sharing going on there and often healing follows. We are at: www, Blessings, Luise

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