Can a Sexless Relationship Work?

Question: Dear Luise: I have let myself get backed into a corner. I don’t know what to do about it and I’m feeling really sad and angry. I’m in a live-in relationship with a guy who doesn’t want sex. He did at first, but after a few months, he simply stopped. Years have passed and nothing has changed. He won’t consider counseling and I can’t seem to accept this. I miss sexual expression. He says he loves me, and he’s the perfect man for me in every other way, full of humor and caring, but that doesn’t fix it. How do I move past this or move out? I’m so weary of sitting on the fence. It feels awful! Sincerely, Eleanor

Answer: Dear Eleanor: Thank you for bringing your question to my web site. It’s a tough one to deal with and not as uncommon as you might think. People just don’t often talk about it. Mr. Cool may say he loves you, but the proof is in his actions, not what he says. If not, certainly in his definition of love. He came into the relationship under false pretenses, offering you a full life, and then discontinued a major facet of your mutual expression. He apparently didn’t discuss it with you before hand, which would have allowed you to make a choice. You were never asked if you wanted to be a close “friend” or compatible “roommate”. He was patently dishonest. Also, it doesn’t sound like he has wanted to talk about it afterwards. He is, in taking care of himself and his needs, totally discounting yours. He is choosing not to notice how rejected you feel and the hopelessness that has probably settled over you. Years! That’s not healthy and you know it!

Mr.Cool may not want counseling but it might be helpful for you. You didn’t get to vote. See that very, very clearly. Many relationships eventually settle down into a minor focus on sexual expression, but it’s there, always, as a “possibility”. You never got past the honeymoon…nothing “settled down”. Mr. Cool decreed. That doesn’t sound very loving…not really. You need some help in understanding why you have accepted his edict. Have you been living in hope? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you see half a relationship as better than none? What’s going on with you? That’s the issue here. He’s giving you the message that you aren’t OK. Staying may reflect that you agree. It’s time to get that you matter to you! Come to you own defense! Blessings, Luise

222 Responses to Can a Sexless Relationship Work?

  1. Steve October 14, 2006 at 2:35 pm #

    I am in the exact same situation…except that I am a male in a live in relationship with a girl who does not want sex. We have a 5 year old daughter together. The first few years of our 10 year + relationship was absolutely fantastic sex, but now little or nothing…

  2. Luise October 15, 2006 at 3:20 pm #

    Hi Steve, It’s beginning to feel to me like this situation is more common than most of us realize. It’s just not talked about, normally, and there’s probably a lot of ego-stuff going on about it, as well…like what am I doing wrong? Counselors can often help. Just try to remember as you work your way through or around this, that it is about her, not you. And don’t let her tell you otherwise. Blessings, Luise

  3. Brooke November 1, 2006 at 11:55 am #

    I am a 26 year old female in the same situation with my 34 year old boyfriend. We moved in together about 7 months ago and slowly sex decreased to nothing at all in the last three months. He saw a counselor for a while, but has not returned to her. He has looked at porn a few times, but says he is not aroused by it. He has never lied to me so I have no reason not to believe him. I am so sad and confused. He swears he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I have given him numerous times to “get out” of the relationship and he says that is not what he wants. He kisses me and hugs me, but no cuddling anymore. The only thing that is the same is we sleep naked. I dont know if I should stay or leave. He is the man I really thought i would spend my life with, but at this point my sanity is on the riffs. I am obsesssed and it affects everything in my life. I am different around him and he knows it. He says I am perpetualy unhappy. I never used to be this way. I was happy in this relationship, but when the sex stopped so did the affection. Therefore I believe it is me even though he swears its not. My self esteem has decreased to nothing. I am slowly falling into a deep depression over it. When I ask to talk about it he gets upset and says he doesnt know whats wrong and if he knew he would tell me. I dont know what to do and who to talk to about this. I will take any advice! Thanks. Brooke

    Answer: Dear Brooke: From where I sit it looks like there are a lot more sexless relationshops our there than anyone would guess. They aren’t discussed openly or even admitted to in most cases but they appear to be quite common.

    What you do about it has to be about you. You can’t do anything about your guy. He’s obviously got something going on and if he doesn’t want help from a therapist in sorting it out, you can’t force that. It’s easy to get pretty mixed up about sex when we’re growing up. We get so many mixed messages it’s no wonder some of us take sexual hang-ups into adulthood.

    It doesn’t sound to me like you are going to be able to adjust to this. That’s what it boils down to. He’s either worth it or he isn’t. In my work I have heard from couples who have made it in a sexless context. However, they have to rise above reacting like the situation is based on rejection and no measuring up. That’s a tall order.

    Right now you really need to see an counselor yourself. I’d give that top priority. Don’t let your sexless relationship take you down and make you seriusly ill. Get yourself straightened out and then see what you want to do beyond that…stay or go. Blessings, Luise

  4. cory December 31, 2006 at 1:24 pm #

    I am in a similar situation and can’t help but feel like it is my fault…that I am not all that physically attractive to my partner. I keep thinking to myself that everything else is good, so why let this bother me. However, I just don’t feel like my needs are being met and I am starting to doubt the defintion of this relationship also. Are we just glorified “roomates/companions”, rather than a couple in a relationship. The worst feeling in the world is lonliness when you are in a relationship. I don’t know how to bring more romance, intimacy or sex to this relationship. It is a touchy subject and I am left feeling “rejected”. The problem: I love him and we have only been together as a couple for a couple of months. We are in our early 30’s…is this normal?

  5. Luise January 4, 2007 at 6:10 pm #

    Answer: Dear Cory: If there’s a “normal”, I don’t know what it is. We’re all so unique. If you want your needs met, it looks like you picked the wrong guy. Loving someone who doesn’t find you physically attractive is the road to learning to live with rejection. That’s going to mess up your self-esteem, big time. You love the guy but he is not acting loving toward you at all. I would suggest that you move on and not accept this situation. Blessings, Luise

  6. Angie February 22, 2007 at 10:53 am #

    I’m 29 and he’s 37, we have a 6 month old daughter. We moved in together when our daughter was born. Since my daughter was born we’ve only had sex 5 times. I’ ve searched and searched to see if its anyone else that he’s going to and nothing has come up. I feel like crap because the man I lay next to every night has no desire to be with me. I make advances and he rejects me. I’ve gone into the shower in tears because of this. He’s affectionate towards me, but when it comes down to it, we have no sexual relationship. I’ve done everything from buying lingerie to watching porn. I don’t know what it is. It really hurts when I’m getting attention from different men on the streets and not from the one man I want the most.I know this is not healthy and I don’t know whether to leave or stick it out for my daughter.

  7. Luise February 23, 2007 at 7:14 pm #

    Answer: Dear Angie: Your guy has obviously got some hang-ups about sex. If he was motivated to do so, he could probably get back on track through some serious therapy. If he doesn’t want to go there, you are pretty much stuck with the situation. Most of us grow up with a lot of sexual taboos, misinformation, and fears. I have a close friend who can only have sex wilth married men. Four times different guys have left their wives to marry her because she was so great in bed, and every time…marriage stopped her cold. Whether to stay or go is up to you. (My friend’s last husband opted to stay.) If you decide to do that, you may need some therapy yourself to deal with the rejection. You have a lot of what women dream of…in a responsible partner who loves you and your daughter. Most of us don’t get to “have it all” but We are all very different and what we have to have and what can do without can vary a great deal from one person to another. Blessings, Luise

  8. SickOfHim February 24, 2007 at 7:30 pm #

    OH MY GOSH!! What a relief to see that I am not the only person who is having this problem. I too have a sexless relationship. I a have cheated, masturbate and whatever else it takes. I don’t want to cheat. I want to be with someone that is going to love me. I treat him like a king. I shouldn’t have to go through this mess. I am so confused that I am hurting over this. He is a very nice guy. He loves my child and he says he loves me. Maybe we should all try and figure out what the heck is going on with these people. Are they not human. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!!!

  9. Angie February 25, 2007 at 12:33 pm #

    I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. You’re right I have a lot compared to most, but it hurts so much to lay by someone every single night and have them tell you they love you, but not express it. I really love him and everyone questions why I’m with him because he’s not an attractive man, he’s 37 but looks more like 47 (I’m 29), he’s here ilegally and I’m an American Citizen. I also treat him like a king. I clean up after him, wash, iron, hang, and put away his clothes. Have dinner ready for him. pick up his plate.Serve him his dinner, take it to him where ever he wants to eat. make sure theres beer for him to have with his dinner. an occasional night out with the guys is fine with me. Record his favorit sports. I just want to know what i’m doing wrong.

  10. Luise February 25, 2007 at 6:45 pm #

    Answer: Dear Angei: The sooner you get that you aren’t doing anything wrong the better. He has a problem. If you stay, the probelm is something you are going to have to live with. It would be best if you stopped trying to figure out how to fix it. Blessings, Luise

  11. Luise February 25, 2007 at 6:50 pm #

    Answer: Dear Sickofhim: You are in the same boat. Your situation is not seen by most people as a healthy way for couples to live. It’s causing you lots of stress and you can’t change it. What more can I say? Move on and stop having it be your problem when it isn’t. Blessings, Luise

  12. Heidi March 4, 2007 at 2:51 pm #

    Reading this made me feel a little better. I guess at least I’m not alone. My case is a little different. I don’t live with my boyfriend of 5 years. I have three children and a beautiful home and he has his mother, his spoiled dog and a beautiful home. He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. We talk on the phone like five times a day. We call each other the moment we wake up and before we go to bed every night. Not to menchin before,after and during work. He comes up on thursday nights for dinner and family night but never stays, and I try to spend friday nights with him at his house, if the kids have planns(they usually do).For the last 4 1/2 years we’ve had sex maybe 3x a year. And even then it doesn’t work. He blames me but he has a vary serious porn problem. He is 41 and has a heart condition. I told him if it’s because of his heart, I’d go the rest of my life without sex but if it’s because he can’t quit watching porn it’s not fair to me. I’m 32 and I’m going insane. What should I do?

  13. Angie March 5, 2007 at 9:49 am #

    Just wanted to say Thank You Luise. I really do feel much better. And your right about having a lot of things that most people don’t have. I’ve talked to my guy and we’ve been looking for a therapist/counselor that he can go see. He wants us to go together, but I told him I thought it would be best he start going alone and then I join in. I think he would be able to speak more freely to someone w/ out me being there at first. I can join in later. Once again, thank you.

  14. Luise March 5, 2007 at 10:28 am #

    Answer: Dear Angie: You’re welcome! It might be wise to leave the logistics up to the therapist. Sometimes they want to meet both people first to get a sense of the partnership before working separately. You have a strong foundation to work from! Blessings, Luise

  15. Luise March 9, 2007 at 8:25 am #

    Answer: Dear Heidi: The guy you love has a serious and disabling addiction. It’s a sickness and you know that, don’t you? It’s so sad that he can’t at least come clean and not blame you but “clean” isn’t a word that fits this, is it? All of the wonderful things you describe are also part of the package but you can’t separate them. If they were enough, you wouldn’t be pulling your hair out. Your assignment is to see him as normal, ignore any evidence to the contrary and take the blame for the sexless world he is creating for you (so he can keep his addiction in place.) Isn’t his sickness and dishonesty and yes, perversion making you sick? Isn’t it rubbing off? Talk to and with a counselor. Get some help because it may be that you are addicted to him and the not-so-subtle abuse you are accepting. My guess is that he won’t seek help because he won’t part with his sick fantasies, even for you. That says a lot. Blessings, Luise

  16. Estelle March 10, 2007 at 3:35 am #

    Dear Everyone who is reading this. Firstly, sorry you are all hurting – remember we are all beautiful women and happiness is available to us if we want it.

    I am a 26 year old woman who has been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years (we met when I was 20). I love him with every fibre that is in my body and every emotion that is in my heart and soul, but I am deeply unhappy. We are to be married in September – but last night I told him that if things continued as they are then I am not able to get married to him. It was very sad.

    In the last 3 years we have had sex less than once every 2 months, sometimes not for 3 months at a time, and we never kiss passionately anymore. We are very intimate though and cuddle entwined for hours at a time, him saying he loves it when I fall asleep on him because I look so peaceful and beautiful. When we cuddle up every part of our bodies fits together – neither of us has had that before. He keeps hold of notes and cards I send him and sent me back something I sent him on our anniversary last year recently – the words were beautiful.

    But my self esteem is low, I am jumpy and feel anxiety and feel sexually ‘dried up’. On a few occasions I have tried to come onto him and he has said no – for no reason. His excuse is he is tired and overworked but last night admitted that there is a problem with us – but that he didn’t know what it was.

    I love this man and he loves me but I am so sad. I want to marry him and have children with him but I will not settle as I know my value.

    What shall I do?

    Love to all the women and men out there who feel rejected – you are a beautiful flower just waiting to be held and appreciated.

    Estelle xxx

  17. Luise March 17, 2007 at 1:04 pm #

    Answer: Dear Estelle: You have said you know your value and will not settle. However, before you give up on this guy, why not try counseling? He is now talking. He may be willing to get to the bottom of his issues and move one…with you. Blessings, Luise

  18. Shells March 21, 2007 at 1:43 pm #

    You know – I’ve been reading up about sexless relationships – I’ve been in one too. It’s absolutely amazing how many people are experiencing the same anxiety about it….. Makes me think that maybe we are all victims of modern day expectations that are conditioned because of movies and media. Anyway – I digress, we’re here to try and fix things, not make excuses for them. My suggestion is ‘Mating in Captivity – Reconciling the Erotic & the Domestic’ by Esther Perel. Her take on things is that sex requires mystery, excitement, uncertainty which means not knowing everything about your partner. I highly recommend it for putting perspective back into things…. Very interesting and well worth reading!

  19. krystal lee May 10, 2007 at 9:38 pm #

    Hello everyone, I am 20 yrs old and my boyfriend is turning 33 this month. We have been together a year. We live together. Everything is great except for one thing. Everytime I try to have sex with him he rejects me. We only have sex when he wants to or when he initiates sex…which is only on the weekend. When we have sex its very good. He pleases me and does everything I need but its so fast and then its over for a week. I hate it but when I try to initiate sex during the week he pushes me away and gets very angry with me. Even if on the weekend I initiate sex, he gets angry and rejects me. Then when he’s interested he says something so vulger and so unromantic that I feel like the spontianty is gone. I feel so ugly and unattractive. When the weekend comes, I not even interested anymore. I feel like in his mind he feels like he is rewarding me by having sex with me. Like its something I have to earn all week. Is this normal? I love him so much. He wants to get married soon. I dont know if I can live like this. He says its because of his age and because of the medications he takes. I dont know what to do I have tried all kinds of kinky, new, exciting things and nothing works. I got sick of spending time and money on trying to get my boyfriend to have sex with me, so I gave up. Yet when I satisfy myself he gets jealous and says it’s like I’m cheating on him. HELP ME! |I am going crazy.

  20. Luise May 10, 2007 at 9:56 pm #

    Answer: Dear Krystal Lee: He’s not for you. We can love people we can’t live with. Blessings, Luise

  21. Jude May 16, 2007 at 2:46 pm #

    How can one have the “perfect” relationship, saying they love the other, but not be physically attracted, thus not wanting a sexual relationship. I have been in this type of relationship for almost a year. I need and want the sexual as well as the other, but he says he is not physically attracted. Any suggestions?

  22. Luise May 16, 2007 at 5:40 pm #

    Answer: Hey, Jude: Men who have serious problems regarding sexual performance often hide behind…”I’m just not sexually attracted to you.” I don’t know if that’s what you’re up against or not, but if he won’t face the issue or get help there is little you can do.
    Blessings, Luise

  23. Michelle August 7, 2007 at 12:40 pm #

    I am 40 years old and have been with my B/F for a little over a year. We have no affection, romance or sex in our relationship. I hate it, I feel so unattractive, although I get attention from other men and have been told I’m very pretty. My B/F is a yr older than me, about 350 pounds and to ask for a hug, you would think I asked for a million dollars. He does tell me he loves me, but I don’t believe him. He is so obssessed about money, he controls every dime I make and usually makes me feel guilty for our financial problems, even though I make more than he does. We are like good friends or roommates. I have tried talking to him, writing him a letter, typing him an email, nothing works. I did find a chat session he had with his ex and he does know how to talk the the talk, just not to me. He cried when I confronted him, said he couldn’t exist w/out me….blah, blah, blah. I have not cheated on him, but I honestly can’t say I wouldn’t if I had the opportunity for someone to make me feel beautiful, desired, sexy and appreciated. I want to leave, but I don’t like to hurt anyone, I have a good heart, sometimes I wish I had a heart of stone. I am so lonely and I sit here day after day wondering what I can do or what is wrong with me, although he says it isn’t me, it’s him. They all say that. Any advice or tips or any feedback at all to help me through this would be helpful. Thaks!

  24. Luise August 23, 2007 at 9:09 pm #

    Answer: Dear Michelle: By not wanting to hurt someone, you are hurting yourself. That doesn’t make any sense to me. The person you describe can be a room mate but is not partner material. If you aren’t satisfied with the former you are going to have to seek the later someplace else. Blessings, Luise

  25. Amber August 27, 2007 at 12:52 pm #

    Wow! I’ve been living through this for over four years and hearing all of you makes me a lot less lonely. I have been with a man for the last five years and he is the father of our child. He’s a wonderful father but there is nothing between us other than the whole glorified roomate thing. I hate to admit this, but he hasn’t touched me since I got pregnant with my son – my son will turn three in two weeks! That’s almost four years without a real kiss, no touching, nothing! Why I stay with – many various reasons in his defense. He’s thirteen years older than me, not that age has too much to do with it, me being only 26. I don’t ever know what I’m going to do, one day I’ll stay one day I’ll go. It’s nice just not being alone in this.

  26. Luise August 27, 2007 at 8:30 pm #

    To All: It seem like this is a rather large group. And each person feels alone. There is always a choice. Weight your options…it may be right for some but surely not for everyone. Blessings, Luise

  27. Joey C September 9, 2007 at 10:17 am #

    I’ve been in a sexless marriage for almost 20 years and my wife and I are proof that you CAN have a sexless marriage and still stay together.

    We are not sexually attracted to each other but we have a great friendship and have both a business and a child raising partnership which I think is better than alot of sexually active married couples out there.

  28. Terry Edwards September 9, 2007 at 1:28 pm #

    After reading all of the comments on this site, it seems you are saying that we must either accept the fact that the relationship must be that way, or get out of the relationship. That sounds like the Alanon rule, which I have had to deal with in the past also, and found very difficult.

  29. Luise September 9, 2007 at 5:39 pm #

    Answer: Dear Joey: Thank you for pointing that out. I think there are probably more couples like you and your wife out there than people realize. Good for you for taking us to the overview in your case, which sounded pretty positive. Blessings, Luise

  30. Luise September 9, 2007 at 5:42 pm #

    Answer: Dear Terry; Of course it’s difficult. There is nothing easy about any of this. However, sitting on the fence and not taking any action can be just as bad or worse. In the end, each person has to chart his/her own course. People vary as much as circumstances do. Blessings, Luise

  31. carol September 10, 2007 at 8:19 pm #

    Hi: Have read all the post and am glad I found this site. Have been a relationships for two years, same situation. Sex, good sex for a month and than nothing. I have actually told him that I am on the Internet and that if he does not come around I will find someone else. He acts like I have not said a word. I figured it out, he is just not into me. I do not lite his fire, so I will not waste my life waiting for a spark that is not there. Says he loves me, and yes, he does, for the sake of not being lonely. So everyone I am going to find a mate who is into me, and am not wasting my life on someone who is oblivious to me sexually.

  32. Luise September 10, 2007 at 9:08 pm #

    Answer: Dear Carol: I think that self-respect and self-worth are playing a big part in your decision. It can work sometimes when both people feel luke warm or even stone cold. Even a great partnership can surface…but not when goals and feelings are not aligned. You go girl! Blessings, Luise

  33. carla October 7, 2007 at 8:53 am #

    I had no idea that sexless relationships were so common. I have been with my fiancé for 3 years and we have an 18mos.old daughter. The sex was consistent in the beginning but slowly decreased to once every few months, if that. We talk about it to death and he says that he doesn’t know why it’s like that except that he’s tired from work, school and family. We saw a counselor for a little while but at hat time we had other issues which are now resolved so we never tackled this subject. I don’t think he’d reject me if I tried but I can’t because I felt rejected for so long. At this point I’m not in the mood either just because this is how it’s been for so long. He’s great in every other way but with out intimacy we are just live-in best friends. We have a baby so I really want to make this work and so does he but neither one of us know where to start. He says that I should just try and he will respond but I can’t. It has been six months since we’ve been intimate. I cannot imagine the rest of my life without sex and I can’t even think about marrying him until this is resolved. I love him but feel really disconnected from him.

  34. Luise October 7, 2007 at 9:04 am #

    Answer: Dear Carla: Why not try the counselor again? Fatigue often does play a part in it but there’s a lot more going on as well. How often I get letters about half a relationship. Many times the sex is just great but there is no friendship. We are flawed, that’s our nature…so we get flawed relationships that we have to deal with or at least accept. Some of us are lacking in something as obvious as sexual drive and others of us have short suits not so glaring but still hard to live with. Blessings, Luise

  35. adeline October 8, 2007 at 4:58 pm #

    I am in a sexless relationship and it sucks! We are the best of friends and we love each other so much yet we have no sex. We want so bad to make things work but we are painfully shy and embarrassed to bring the subject up. Im 31 and he’s 39. We’ve been together almost 2 years. We have even separated from one another. We were hoping that the pressure on us would be gone. He’s even gone as far as getting viagra but he’s uncomfortable(i am too) and doesn’t want to use it(I dont blame him). Since, I moved out-he is very aware of his feelings for me and doesn’t want to loose me BUT still sex has not comeback. Before, finding this site I thought I was alone. My girlfriends tell me that I should just move on. But, we care so deeply for each other that I tell myself that sex isnt everything and that I should live with out it b/c everything is right except this one thing. I would like to think that everything will work itself out. Sex was awkard in the beginning but I thought it would get better if I was patient. I know he feels guilty and angry that he’s not performing and he’s become too ashamed to talk about it with me -How do I get him to go to a counselor? What qualifications do I look for? What are the statistics that therapy or sex therapy actually works? Can you refer some websites?

  36. Luise October 8, 2007 at 8:08 pm #

    Answer: Dear Adeline: I have a young friend who has this issue in an otherwise great relationship. After a lot of painful tries at resolving it that didn’t work, she decided to figure out how much time they actually spent together, sexually, after the newness wore off and before the freeze came on. (Her words, not mine.) She said it was such a small portion of their relationship, time-wise, that she decided she was not going to give it “top billing.” She went into counseling alone because her husband refused to go, and worked on her own self-worth and decided she woulndn’t leave it up to him to be responsible for that. Believe it or not, that was ten years ago and they are doing very well. They are happy with each other and themselves and have “learned to live with imperfection.” I’m not sure I could do that, but it’s one solution I know of that seems to have worked…(at least once.) Blessings, Luise

  37. jill October 10, 2007 at 7:06 pm #

    I am in a sexless relationship and every time I try to intiate sex I am rejected. He is 34 years old and I am 29 and he tells me that he’s not young like he used to be and that having sex all the time is no fun and becomes monotoneous. I dont know what to do anymore. It’s been 9 years. I have tried talking to him about this and I get the same answer all the time: “not right now I am tired, or its not a good time”…but he has no problem finding satisfaction alone, late at night on the internet while watching porn. What do I do ?

  38. Jane B October 10, 2007 at 11:09 pm #

    I have been with the man I love for almost two years. In the beginning, our sex life was hot and strong. He is very attractive to me; I get turned on just being around him. He says he finds me beautiful and classy and swears he is attracted to me as well. However, things have not been good sexually between us for more than a year. Like so many of the other women writing on this blog, I find myself in love with a man who has trouble physically performing. He is affectionate in all other ways, hugging me, kissing me, pinching my ass, etc. We sleep naked together and love the cuddling. He claims the financial pressures he’s been under for the last 18 months have stolen his sex drive from him. But I know from things I have seen on his computer in the last year that he looks at porn online, has a ton of pornographic images stored on his harddrive, and has a history of domination (bdsm). He also has used an email address for erotic correspondence with women he meets online, and got very angry with me when I confronted him about it. Bringing up the topic of sex is very difficult for me because he gets defensive and angry. Then he asks me to be patient with him; I always am. But my patience is running out. I am most afraid that he cannot get excited by me, that he never will get excited by me, that his history with porn and bdsm have made his stimulation needs way beyond what I can provide, even though I am interested in being kinky with him (he won’t go there with me for some reason). Has anyone else been in a similar situation, impotence in their partner because of porn or a past history with bdsm?

  39. Bill October 29, 2007 at 9:36 pm #

    I am involved with a married woman. I have known her for 20 years. I recently called her after not talking with her for 7 years. We met, slept together the first night and 2 additional nights. She then decided things were going a bit too fast, and since then we have not slept together except for a bit of snuggling in bed a subsequent morning. I feel rejected. She thinks men are obsessed with sex. I tod her I found it to be and aid to a good sleep. It seems she feels guilty about her husband although their relationship is dysfunctional. I am going to see her tomorrow. Am I wasting my time? We both told one another we love each other and have always been attracted to one another.

  40. Luise October 31, 2007 at 7:02 pm #

    Answer: Dear Bill: I think you’re on thin ice. Why not back up a bit and give it a chance. In fact, she has some sorting out to do, doesn’t she? If you are expecting very much, yes, you may be wasting your time. It doesn’t sound like she has much to give right now. Your history could be a good foundation for a friendship, though. Why not see where it leads and pass on the expectations for now? Blessings, Luise

  41. Peggy B December 6, 2007 at 11:26 pm #

    I’ve been in a relationship like this for 30+ years. Now, he’s 63 and I’m 57, and we have kids and grandkids and greatgrandkids. It sucked when we were young, and it still sucks. I knew it wasn’t good, but I didn’t ever realize until reading these posts what an effect it’s had on my self esteem. No wonder I’m on an antidepressant. And I thought it was just stress and age. My question about all of this is, IF I decided to leave … then what? I’ll still be alone, ruined, humorless and anxious. Besides that, all those kids will hate me for breaking up the family. So, what is an old woman to do? Take a lover? Been there, done that, but none of the men I know at this age are able or willing to do what’s necessary to maintain a healthy sex life. (Like the guy who’s 350 pounds … he can’t breath, much less make love!) So, given that I cannot leave, what’s next? I’ve been to several psychologists, but in the end, it’s still ‘stay or leave .. it’s up to you’, which does more harm than good to my tattered ego. Any other suggestions?

  42. Luise December 7, 2007 at 4:34 pm #

    Answer: Dear Peggy: It would be nice if someone could answer for you but of course we can’t. I would say this, it may depend on whether you feel your life is over or not. If you feel it is, then ride it out. The only other option I know of is to create it not being over with new hobbies or interests. For instance, how about doing volunteer work with needy children or disabled seniors….(or both.) Then look closely at whether you could best do that married or single and follow your heart. Adventures might still be out there for you if you looked closely at how you could serve others and focus less on what’s not available and may not be attainable in your life at this late date. For me, volunteering in a nursing home has broadened my horizons and my appreciation of life to a huge degree. New faces, lots of love being exchanged and meeting many people who would love to be in my shoes has given me a whole new slant on things. It’s a sure cure for bitterness for many of us. Blessings, Luise

  43. Sage December 10, 2007 at 12:53 pm #

    I’m considering asking my boyfriend to read every single letter. Perhaps in doing so he will realize that I am not alone in feeling that we do not have a relationship but rather a friendship.

    Is there anyone out there in their late fifties who couldn’t take it anymore and decided to leave?

    July 2008 I will be with my partner 4 years. When we talk (I talk, he listens) about his lack of affection, attention and intimacy he has nothing to say. He refuses to seek counseling, has gone for a physical but leaves out vital information and comes home telling me the doctor offered no solutions. He is an excellent “caregiver”, ok Sugar Daddy. What else can I call a man that takes care of me financially (household expenses) and materially (clothing, jewelry, etc.). We have a wonderful time together, like “good friends” would. All very nice, but not enough.

    So, I’m asking who in my age bracket (55+) has left and decided it was the best decision they made.

  44. Mr. Confused December 13, 2007 at 8:33 am #

    I am in a sex-less relationship. The few times that we have had sex in the last year have been very rare. I honestly feel really embarrassed about it, when I hear from my friend about the intimacy he has with his girlfriend. I met my girlfriend in another country. We were both studying in that country and both she and I went back to our own countries. We began talking when I went back to my university to finish up my degree. We really connected, and even though we weren’t physically near each other we used the webcams to help with the distance. When I finished my degree I went to her country to live with her and to teach English. She was really jealous of all my friends, which was a pain, but worst of all she berated the hell out of me. She doesn’t do that so much anymore, but we have no physical contact to speak of. I often wonder if she loves me or if she simply sees me as a form of financial stability. I’ve been really feeling hurt, lonely and confused. I didn’t even want her to comfort me today, when I was feeling bad. Is there something I can do to improve this situation in your opinion? I just don’t know how to talk to her about it without sounding like I am demanding sex, and I don’t want sex like that. My birthday is coming up and I think she will probably offer to have sex with me, but I really don’t want to do anything with her, even though I want to. As you can see I am really confused. Orz

  45. Luise December 13, 2007 at 5:18 pm #

    Answer: Dear Orz: My suggestion is that you look for a more fulfilling relationship with someone else. There isn’t enough common ground, is there? Why settle for a dead-end? Blessings, Luise

  46. Sherri December 22, 2007 at 6:44 pm #

    I’m not going to write about my situation, as it is so similar to all of those who have posted here before–the loving live-in boyfriend who is wonderful, except for a complete lack of sex.

    I just want to say thank you for hosting this question. At my young age (23), most of my friends are in very sexually healthy relationships, and I often feel alone with my problem. When I found this webpage, I started to cry because I realized I wasn’t alone. I have found strength and love in your answers, Luise. For everyone out there, male or female, suffering with this problem, you are not alone–and that is the most important thing to know.

  47. Luise December 22, 2007 at 6:57 pm #

    Well put, Sherri. Thank you…Blessings, Luise

  48. Brandon January 1, 2008 at 10:16 pm #

    Question: Dear Luise: I find myself in a similar situation. I have been in a relationship for nearly two years that is going from bad to worse. I am 24 and my girlfriend is 20. At first the relationship was very physical but she has medical issues that effect her sexual expression and they have been getting worse. My interest is being seen as completely insensitive to her condition even though I have made suggestions that would have made it work. She is accusing me of being a demanding partner. How dare I? She won’t listen to anything I have to say. I just do not know how to resolve this. Any attempt I make brings about an explosion and a fit of irrational fury and then she storms out. We’ve been fighting constantly. I don’t know what to do. Talking about it is not an option. She is absolutely impossible to talk with (because she simply distorts what I say no matter how clearly I spell out my intentions.) My head feels like it’s going to explode. Is there anything else I can try or is the relationship doomed? B.

  49. Luise January 1, 2008 at 11:56 pm #

    Answer: Dear B.: If your girlfriend hasn’t seen a doctor about her problems, that’s an immediate necessity. Medical advice and perhaps medical intervention might be the answer. That’s the first place to turn and if she won’t hear of it, you don’t have much left to go on. She is young. Her responses may be her way to try to cover up embarrassment or overwhelm. After medical consultation, a counselor might be a wise follow-up if she seriously wants to work this through. Blessings, Luise

  50. Mary February 15, 2008 at 6:35 am #

    I have been searching for help, and I’m thankful I found this site. At least I can talk about it here. My relationship started about 4 years ago. I am 49 and my BF is 41. He says he loves me deeply, and I am in love with him. We get along fantastically, except for our lack of sex; I feel rejected and distressed as the other ladies writing in here. We had been talking about sharing the rest of our lives together and eventually getting married; he still wants to but doesn’t know if we should due to this problem and my pain. For a couple of years he expressed a loss of desire for sex or intimacy with anyone and difficulty perfprming. But he increasingly viewed porn videos and websites. He’s had past relationships and a son from one. He sounded like he’d been sexually healthy/active. So I thought things would work out. A few days ago he said that he doesn’t appear to be physically attracted to me, and doesn’t think he ever will be, and that he’s now starting to notice other women. Although he doesn’t want anyone else at this point.

    A little history. We met at work 5-6 years ago. Several horrible experiences took place the past 6-7 years. He accepted legal responsibility for something the mother of his child did–to prevent DFACS from taking their child, which in turn caused him to lose his job and to go into deep debt, lose his home, etc. She then wouldn’t allow him to see his child for several years. He responded by becoming an alcoholic (a bad one) to escape from his problems. He lost his next two girlfriends because of the drinking (the last was even more devistating).

    We were working together when he went through the loss of his last girlfriend… which led to a downward spiral of drinking and loss that job, as well as his apartment and the last belongings. We had been good friends, so I took him, he had nowhere to go.

    Over time he finally hit his bottom. He’s been sober now for over a year and is back making a 6-figure income, and one-by-one is taking care of the legacy of financial issues. Next, he’ll fight for shared custody of his son.

    We grew close after spending so much time together, making it through hard times, and enjoying each other’s company. I fell in love with him. There was some sex here and there before he quit drinking; none in the past 16 months. And over the past 2 years, my arthritis has gotten worse to the point that I haven’t worked for a year, and he supports me while I’m trying to start a small business. We spend all free time together doing things we enjoy, he takes good care of me, and has me on his insurance. He says he will not abandon me no matter what, and won’t leave unless I cannot live with this situaiton. So it is complicated. I’m a very sexual, affectionate person, so can I live without sex? I am hurting, and resentful, even though I love him and want to be with him. I want things to go my way, however childish that sounds. It doesn’t look like he will ever budge on the physical relationship or intimacy… and I don’t understand why if he loves me so. He’s also realizes that someday he may meet someone else that he would be interested in physically and would end up resenting me… I can’t imagine living without him, but I don’t know if we can make it without intimacy. I am devistated and feeling so low. I cannot afford to be on my own right now, either. What a situation! And realistically, it would be difficult to find another partner considering my physical problems and age. What to do, what to do! Thank you…

  51. Luise February 15, 2008 at 6:34 pm #

    Answer: Dear M.: He sounds like a lovely, broken man and you sound like a healthy, helpful woman. That’s probably not going to work. You aren’t going to get what you need. Isn’t that the bottom line? Love him but don’t count on him, or plan a life with him. The price has already been too high and will porbably continue to get higher. Blessings, Luise

  52. Sam March 4, 2008 at 11:57 am #

    I have been in a sexless relationship 5 years. It bothers us some but we don’t seem to be attracted to each other. Outside of sex we are perfect together in every way. It’s not like a glorified friend or room mate. We are deeply in love and if either of us were to cheat on the other we would be very hurt.

    I stay because to be honest I have had other relationships where the sex was great but they didn’t really get me or love me. I guess relationships are not all about sex and in the end. I feel I’d rather have someone there for me should I become ill later in life then just have some half-OK relationship with good sex.

    Sometimes in this world we can’t have it all and thats fine. If you love the person stay, talk, work it out. If you don’t and you are very unhappy then you should look elsewhere if you can.

    Sex is not the end all and be all of life. Love and sex really are different.

    Something to think about: Quadriplegics in many cases can not have sex. But they like others get married. True love is a meeting of minds. Share your life, love, have fun.

    On my death bed I doubt I will be thinking about how much sex we had. What I will think about is all the places we go , the laughs and our conversations.

  53. Luise March 4, 2008 at 7:10 pm #

    Answr: Dear S.: Thank you so much for your very candid and heartfelt comment. Blessings, Luise

  54. Ana Luisa March 10, 2008 at 4:46 pm #

    Wow. I did not know there were so many women on my shoes!I am 28, he is 40. Everything is perfect aside the fact we have not had sex in two years. I am pretty sure he is not seeing other women or that he is not gay, but I do not know what is going on; I wish I could understand because I love him and I will not cheat. But this has became so frustrating for me; because I cannot stop thinking I am not attractive, intelligent, pretty enough! Can anyone help me?

  55. Luise March 20, 2008 at 9:43 am #

    Answer: Dear A.: As far as I know, the hardest thing to pull off in such a situation is to get that it isn’t about you. It’s not about how attractive you are or how intelligent you are. What is being rejected is sexual intimacy…not you. To regain your balance, you need to be able to get that. Otherwise, you are going to be damaged by his limitations. It is possible to create a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person but you have to do all the work. Don’t count on him to make any contribution…he has a serious problem. If you can’t do that, your own self respectand health may suffer to the point where you cannot continue. We all need support and understanding. Can you find a way to give it to yourself so that his issues don’t add up to subtle and someitmes not so subtle)abuse? Blessings, Luise

  56. B. May 21, 2008 at 2:37 am #

    Reading this site I was surprised there were so many out there that were in the same situation. I am 47 and still very much interested in sex. My relationship started of normal but after a year my partner announced that he didn’t want sex on a regular basis anymore. I didn’t know what to think of it and was shocked. I thought there was something wrong with me, I felt very rejected and my self esteem went right down the drain. He keeps telling me he loves me. He wants kissing and cuddling but nothing more and we just have sex maybe every 3 to 4 months. I think he does it just to keep me happy, although having sex 4 times a year doesn’t do much for me. You just have to be in the mood on that particular day or the opportunity has to wait again for another 3 months. It’s very frustrating and I am getting really resentful of him. I didn’t bargain for a friendship but that’s what I got. I love him but can’t help myself thinking of having sex elswhere. I am not really into that either, but when you get frustrated and desperate you start thinking all kinds of things. B.

  57. Luise May 21, 2008 at 6:02 am #

    Answer: Dear B.: Nothing is more difficult in a partnership than one person saying how it’s going to be and the other person not getting to vote. That said, people can have very deep and unaddressed fears and anxieties connected with sexual performance. They may be able to fake it for a while but there’s no way to maintain it. Parents, by direct threats or indirect behaviors that reflect an aversion toward sexual expression, can condition a child early on against it. Or a child can get caught when experimenting and be severely punished. Religion can create distortion. There are endless factors that can mess them up and affect them both consciously and unconsciously for the rest of their lives. Therapy can loom as threatening. Certainly calling it a “preference” is better for most than admitting terror and overwhelm. We are all broken in some ways…often in many ways. Some are easy to see and some are hidden deep within us. This isn’t about you but it feels like it is. It’s part of who he is. He can’t be someone he isn’t. He tried for a year. If you can love and respect him and yourself you can probably have a good life together. If you can’t, then anger is going to eat away at you and becoming unfaithful is just going to make it a great deal worse. Stay if being with him can be supportive and fulfilling for you with little or no sexual expression but go if it can’t. He is how he is and he is either right for you thee way he is or he isn’t. Not perfectly right, no one is, but as right as possible, all things considered. Blessings, Luise

  58. K. June 3, 2008 at 12:31 am #

    Dear Luise: I am a 51 yearr-old male who suffers from erectile dysfunction. Due to many medications for arthritis, fibromyalgia, blood clots, atrial fibrulation, GERD, deep vein thrombosis and on and on… I not only cannot take any of the erectile drugs available, but am in great pain to even consider having sex. I’m surprised that you can’t come up with any positive aspects of a sexless relationship. I have several female companions who know of my situation, but they, like you feel there shoud be sex in a relationship. Not really sure if there is anyone out there for me anymore. I’ve dated a couple of women from my church, but when they found out I couldn’t perform, they dumped me. I haven’t dated for almost 3 years now. Just wondered if there was a dating/relationship service for people in my condition. Just wondering…K.

  59. Luise June 3, 2008 at 9:38 am #

    Dear K. You are in a different category than most of the people who are up against this issue. A lot of men and women have suffered emotional damage that has left them fearing sexual expression. They are able but not willing. You sound like you are willing but not able. I doubt if there is a website dating service specifically set up for people in your situation. There are, however, counselors trained to help you address the problem and offer alternatives. Almost all marriages, if the people live long enough, reach the situation you describe. That does not mean that they aren’t viable and loving relationships. The fact that you haven’t found a younger woman willing to focus elsewhere doesn’t mean there isn’t one out there. And there may be a way to present your situation online using a get acquainted site like:

    You probably need to also consider that many people can be overwhelmed by so much going on with you medically. Can you pass on going into that and focus on what else you are interested in and have to offer that is more positive? Blessings, Luise

  60. M. June 6, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    I am a 24 year old female and I have many of the same feelings you have. I have been in this relationship a little over a year and things have changed sexually. Before we became offical and in the beginning, we had sex all the time. GREAT SEX! It then went to three times a week to now maybe once a week. I beleive that he loves me and I dont want to leave him but it really hurts to get rejected! I want to leave now rather than wait until things get worst but I just dont know what to do. I trully love him. We have talked about getting married and a future together. He said that he isn’t sexually attracted to me but that it was him and not me. He also said that he might be having these feelings because I am the only person he has ever had a faithful relationship with. Someone please help. Im confused and in need of something. M.

  61. Luise June 6, 2008 at 2:07 pm #

    Dear M.: I have no idea what is going on and either do you. He probably doesn’t know himself. If he wants to stay with you, it’s his issue to unravel. Some poeple can have great sex only when it is temporary, superficial and in some way “forbidden.” If it becomes routine and “acceptable”, it stops. A counselor is probably what’s needed for him to get to the bottom of this and change. Blessings, Luise

  62. J. June 22, 2008 at 3:35 pm #

    I had no idea this was so widespread. I am in a relationship of 8 years, married for the last 2 and we’ve had no sexual encounter for the last 2-3 year. In fact we never had full blown sex, but did share sexual experiences earlier in the relationship.
    He is the man for me. I could not love anyone more or find someone to love me more and we are perfectly matched personality wise.
    We don’t really talk about it. We’ve discussed it occasionally (mostly when drunk) and we both say we want to, yet we never do. Whether it’s timing or mood, it just doesn’t happen.

  63. Luise June 22, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

    Dear J. You sound like you are dealing with it. Good for you for being able to see that you have a lot of what matters most to both of you in your marriage and for adapting as much as possible. You might try talking about it sober and see how that goes. Blessings, Luise

  64. T. June 29, 2008 at 8:12 am #

    Like most of you I had no idea there were so many people going through this. What suprised me the most was the young ages involved. I married at the age of 25 and enjoyed 17 years of happy, healthy, sex. My ex-husband and I explored and shared many types of sexual experiences. I’m now divorced (for reasons other than sexual nature), I’ve lived with my BF for 5 years. The first year was great including the sex. But the lack of sex for 4 years is devastating. I’ve had it both ways and I’ll tell you without a doubt no intimacy sucks. If your just looking for a friend or roommate it’s OK because that is all you’ll ever be. It shatters your self esteem and makes you doubt yourself and your relationship every minute, every day and anyone with any sense knows this not healthy. Any ideas on how to start over again at 47 years old?

  65. Luise June 29, 2008 at 10:32 am #

    Dear T. For some, a roommate is better than being alone. For others…looking is better than settling. We are all so different and our needs are correspondingly unique. For those who have experienced it, satisfactory sexual expression is a connection that many find they can’t duplicate. It expands life and the lack of it contracts life. Healthy partners are “out there.” You are still young. Blessings, Luise

  66. B. July 24, 2008 at 6:47 pm #

    I am so glad to know that I am not the only one in this predicament. When I met my now live in bf two years ago we were very sexual, and as soon as we got serious, it all stopped. He said he was never really into sex and I know it’s because he’s overweight now and might have ED. He wont discuss it and won’t get help for it. He’s given me free reign to cheat in the past and that doesn’t sit well with me. The other aspects of our relationship are fine. I feel like I am at 90% gratification rate, but I look at porn constantly now and have to satisfy myself. I have a high sex drive and he knew that going into the relationship. I on the other hand didn’t know that he had a low libido.

    I feel invalidated as a woman, and totally understand what you are going through. I promised myself that by our two year anniversary if there was no change, I would end it. It’s only a few weeks away…I may just have to walk away from this. B.

  67. Luise July 24, 2008 at 8:00 pm #

    It is so difficult to have a relationship that is off balance. Sexual expression smooths out the rough edges of life. It’s decision time…you’re right. Blessings, Luise

  68. E. October 11, 2008 at 2:28 pm #

    I am 25 and my boyfriend whom I live with is 28. We had a turbulent beginning, I broke up with him once because I thought that I wanted to get back with my ex. I ended that and decided that I made a mistake and returned to my current boyfriend. We were together for a year before we moved in together, and for the first 8 months the sex was frequent and very satisfying. Then gradually the sex became less. And only happened when he initiated or we were in an exciting situation, like camping in the woods. We now probably have sex twice a month, and only on his watch. When I try to wear something sexy or start to make a move he’s like “come on baby, I’m tired, let’s do it tomorrow”, etc.etc. or he says if we do it to much we won’t have anything left for when we get married. I know he watches porn every week. I have a high sex drive and would be happy with 3 times a week. We cuddle, and have great conversation, but I do have emotional outbursts over this, and prone to anger and tears. Should i see a therapist first, cause I know I need to, then ask him to come along? What should I do if he doesn’t want to come? I enjoy sex tremendously within a loving relationship, and don’t want to cheat…but for me sex is important and I think it relieves stress. E.

  69. Luise October 11, 2008 at 3:25 pm #

    Dear E. It doesn’t sound to me like you need to see a therapist and if he wanted to see one, he probably would have. What you have in your relationship, sexually, is what you have. I have no idea why your boyfriend is satisfied with twice-a-month-sex but that’s how it is. I also wonder if he doesn’t prefer the excitement and diversity of porn. If so, no wonder he’s tired…a fantasy sex life takes energy, too. You’re right, sex can reduce stress but it takes two to tango. You have a relationship that doesn’t work for you and he likes it the way it is. Base your decision on that. There’s little or no chance that it will ever be what you want again. That’s not what he wants. Blessings, Luise

  70. D. October 14, 2008 at 11:27 am #

    Dear Luise: I’m 27 years old and my boyfriend is living with me temporarily. (He just moved so until he finds a place). He is a gentleman in every way. He cleans up the place, cooks me breakfast, and all those little sorts of things. However we haven’t been intimate since he moved in with me a month ago. Just like everyone elses post we cuddle and everything at night but no sex. He says he doesn’t want us to burn out and get bored. But I feel so unwanted and so unattractive when I know I am a lovely woman. Ive tried wearing the lingerie and all that but still no attention is paid to me. I feel so depressed. I dread going to bed at night because we have to lay next to each other and I know I will go to sleep unsatisfied. I’m starting to not feel the connection with him anymore. The hugs and kisses are routine and passionless. I find myself frequenting online social networks for someone to give me some attention. He gets mad when I bring it up, so I have retreated to my own solitude. I feel so empty on the inside. I long for the warmth of his touch, yet i get his cold shoulder. What am I to do? D.

  71. Luise October 17, 2008 at 2:51 pm #

    Dear D. Sometimes early upbringing puts sexual activity in the “nasty” category and the only way men who have been conditioned that way can perform is in an illicit situation. Co-cohabiting openly with a respectable partner in a socially acceptable relationship stops desire. Most or all of that, of course, is on an unconscious level where a lot of men (and women too, of course)don’t want to go. There are tons of other hangups and that’s an over simplification but the point I’m trying to make is that it isn’t about you….and it isn’t yours to confront. Often the only way a sexless relationship works is when both people both feel that way. For you, it sounds like it is unnatural, demeaning and unhealthy. It may be wise to vote for yourself in this situation and then go where your self-respect takes you. Blessings, Luise

  72. T. December 29, 2008 at 1:58 pm #

    I am going through the same thing it seems like a lot of others are experiencing. I am 24 and my live in boyfriend is 33. We have been living together for just about a year now and have been together for almost 3 years. We have sex maybe once a month if that. I have never been the one to persue sex in my past relationships, I have actually been the one saying not today, or I’m too tired. So this is a different position I am. I have tired talking to him about it, but he gets really defensive and it turns into an argument. Lately I have just backed off from the subject completely until the other day I found some porn in his closet hidden away, it had receipts which showed it was purchased march and june of this year. It kind of hurt me cause my boyfriend won’t have sex with me, but watches porn. I brought this up to him, and he couldn’t understand why I was getting so upset about it. He says every man has porn, which is true for the most part, but then I replied with the porn isn’t the problem it’s the fact you won’t have sex with me. In the beginning of our relationship he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, he would email me at work to meet him in the parking lot. And then after a year everything changed. I beat myself up about this every day, I blame myself, I feel un attractive, hopeless, heartbroken and depressed. I try to understand he is going through some things, but I thought relationships were compromise. I feel like I am the only one compromising. What hurts the most is I am so in love with him, we are planning our dream wedding in hawaii. I don’t want to walk away, I want this problem to be fixed so badly. But he doesn’t think it is a problem he thinks that sex should not be part of a relationship’s foundation. I agree but then it shouldn’t have started out that way. I am hopeless in Seattle. T.

  73. Luise December 29, 2008 at 2:11 pm #

    Dear T. Some people can live with such a situation and come can’t. Look at what it is costing you. Do you really want to sign up for a lifetime of living on a sexual desert? That’s how he is. He may be one of those people who only function well in a sexual framework that is outside of a respected, committed relationship. As in…sex is “bad” and you are not. That’s an oversimplification, of course, but it’s clear that he has issues. It’s also clear that he thinks he’s fine and isn’t going to seek help. So that’s the package. That’s how he is and that’s the man you love. I would strongly suggest that you respect the red flags and move on. You love him, but not a very important part of his makeup. And you’re the normal one, he isn’t. How can you ever make such an existence normal for you? Things aren’t going to change. they are only going to get worse. Blessings, Luise

  74. F. February 4, 2009 at 8:11 am #

    Dear Luise: I’m a 28 year-old male and my girlfriend is 21. We been together 2 years. She suffers from depression and anxiety. At first it was great, but the stresses of life have driven her sex drive into the ground. I am there emotionally and physically. We live together and are starting to argue about sex more often. I have a higher sex drive than she dose, and I understand why I don’t get a lot of sex.. but its the sudden loss of it that worries me. She is trying to get help for her mental issues, and I’m being patient. I love her with all my heart, and I wane to see her get better. I want to know how to fix our sex issue. I’m confused and I feel she isn’t attracted to me anymore. She tells me she loves me and she is attracted to me but still will not have sex with me. Whats wrong is all I want to know. Thanks, F.

    • Luise February 12, 2009 at 10:50 am #

      Dear F. Don’t look for logic…you aren’t going to find it. It’s very hard to be in a relationship with a person who is unable to meet your needs, at least long-term. There’s nothing you can do except wait and hope, because it’s her problem and she will resolve it if and when she can. She can only love within the structure of her limitations and you may decide that you deserve more than that. Blessings, Luise

  75. J. February 23, 2009 at 3:25 pm #

    Dear Luise: Please help. I am in a relationship, for almost a year now. At first, we had sex about 2-3 times a month…not very frequent for people in their twenties, but it was enough to not raise much alarm. However, as the months went by…it became less and less. I finally asked him what was wrong and he said that he just doesn’t have “that” urge anymore and that it’s not me…it’s happened with others too. While I have been trying not to dwell on it…it’s tearing me apart. I feel like I’m not good enough, or pretty enough to make him want me and I’ve never had self esteem issues before. I love him with all my heart. What do I do? J.

  76. Luise February 25, 2009 at 10:34 am #

    Dear J. You can’t do anything about the issue and he won’t do anything about it. That leaves it right in the middle of your failing relationship…like a dead elephant in the center of the living room that everyone is trying to ignore. It can’t be done. Loving him is great but living with him is the pits. You are young and healthy and sex is as normal as blueberry pie. Wish him well and move on. It’s about him but it is hurting you. Also, you may want to to to the “Sexuality” category on my site and read the comments regarding sexless relationships. You are not alone. Blessings, Luise

  77. A. March 11, 2009 at 7:05 pm #

    My comment was confusing I think…we have sex maybe once every two or three weeks at this point the last time we tried, which was around the middle of last month, it was a no go. Also, my birthday was on the 2nd and I attempted to kiss him while we were in our bedroom and both still dressed up from a nice dinner on the town and he giggled, telling me I am silly and pushing me away. I am an attractive girl, no doubt, I have never appreciated gawking or comments from men in the bars or while I’m out, however, I feel that I actually welcome outside attention at this point, it is just a little reminder that I am not repulsive….I am really torn, please help! A.

    • Luise March 11, 2009 at 7:53 pm #

      Dear A.: “Outside attention” often lowers self-esteem instead of raising it. Your experience on your birthday tells the whole story. Move on. Blessings, Luise

  78. D. May 1, 2009 at 10:15 pm #

    Wow, like many have commented, I had no idea that this problem existed for so many of us. I feel a little bit less lonely.

    My fiance and I have been together for over three years and I was his first girlfriend (he had only had sex a couple of times before me, and he was 29). Our intimate relationship has been unsatisfying for me from the very start but I hung in there and tried everything I know how to teach him the basics – but he just doesn’t catch on. We love each other very much, but there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between us. When I asked him about going to therapy for the umpteenth time, he told me that he loves me and is attracted to me, but finds the of sex with me offensive. Of course I was in complete shock and asked how long this had been going and he said he’d felt that way since we’ve been together. I felt completely rejected, yet again, and have fallen into a depression that is now affecting other aspects of my life. I feel that he is deflecting the problem so that it becomes mine, not his, and yet he can’t understand why I can’t just get over it and move forward with our relationship. I have told him that I don’t know if I can be with him. We have our second therapy session tomorrow. I feel so lost because in every other way, we have a great relationship, but I feel so disconnected from him and feel like my patience has run out. Do you think that it’s too late at this point, and is it even possible to get over what he said and how he feels? D.

    • Luise May 1, 2009 at 10:55 pm #

      Dear D.: You may find that therapy offers you something. It’s probably too soon to tell. I think you are right on when you see him to be the one with the problem. Whether you want to try to deal with it or not is your call. I wouldn’t but that’s just because I feel that marriage can be difficult enough without stacking the deck. Loving someone never guarantees that you can live together successfully. Personally, I would see leaving the relationship as a sign of self-respect on your part. Blessings, Luise

  79. T. July 7, 2009 at 11:35 am #

    Hi everybody, Apparently women are complaining more about a sexless relationship more than men do. Things are not as complicated as they seem: pretty much a woman can have sex if her mind is ready to. For men things are different: they have to want to have sex and they have TO BE PHYSICALLY ABLE. I am in a relationship and we have very little sex because I am available no more than 2-3 minutes. Isn’t that plain simple? The main difference is I also pleasure myself. What is she doing? I do not know. Maybe the little sex I provide her is enough. I do not know. She says she is deeply in love with me and I am the center of her life. I love her too but …I am not attracted to her anymore and that contributes my sexual weakness. I am extremely attractive, a perfect gentleman (or almost perfect), passionate about sports, reading new things, exploring nature and educated. Women like me and probably I would be able to get into an extramarital affair fairly easy. I just don’t want to. About her: incredible smart, highly educated but she had become incredible fat and so her body odor sometimes turns me off completely. Why can’t she just lose about 100 pounds? I know I would approach her more often. Why should she lose some weight? First for herself. Then for me: my previous girlfriend was very happy with me even though the sex was not the greatest; however it was supplemented with lots of other sexual options: Still, she wanted to play almost daily because it worked for both of us. But she was skinnier and ready to make things work. I could see shapes – not fat. My current girlfriend just stays in bed and watches TV while gaining more pounds.This is my case, ladies. I call it a sexless relationship even if we have sex on a weekly basis. T.

    • Luise July 7, 2009 at 4:13 pm #

      Dear T.: There are guys out there who don’t have your problem but are fearful or for some reason uninterested. Lots of variations. And you are right, the gals have a much easier time of it because performance isn’t so critical. Does your new girlfriend know how wonderful your former girlfriend was? I hope not. I can see what the weight might do regarding being attracted but/and she is probably also aware of your aversion. Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Blessings, Luise

  80. M. July 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm #

    I, too, have this problem. I do feel that if only I’m more attractive and look just a teeny tiny like porn stars, then maybe he’d want me. He told me that it isn’t the reason why. He said it’s because he spent his teenage years growing up in a strict Christian dormitory.. so it was always at the back of his head that sex is wrong and sinful.. that’s why he’s not interested in sex anymore. The problem is at the beginning of our 4-years relationship, he wasn’t like this. He looked at porn although he didn’t want to share with me in details about his sexual activities. But during this one year, he’s suddenly changed. He told me everytime he gave up into sex with me, he always felt very guilty and wrong after doing it. I told him that sex is wrong if he’s doing it for fun and it’s not wrong if it’s shared with someone he actually loves and cares about. But everytime we have that discussion, he refuses to see from my point of view and I’ll always end up feeling like I’m a horrible person/sinner for wanting to have sex…… Sometimes I consider of leaving, because I know in the long run it’d be a huge problem for me because I’ve always liked sex.. and my needs wouldn’t be met if I stay… but on the other side, I feel so silly and unreasonable for leaving a relationship because I don’t get enough sex, or the fact that he doesn’t like or not interested is sex as much as I do… I feel it’s wrong to leave him.. M.

    • Luise July 15, 2009 at 7:29 am #

      Dear M. Everyone has a different idea of right and wrong. My take is that you are with the wrong guy. His ideas and preferences aren’t compatible with yours. This isn’t going to work for you and you can’t change him into a more normal, relaxed partner.

      Wish him well and move on. Lots of relationships start out great but if the behavior of either or both partners isn’t what that person is used to, (and has come to prefer), he/she will eventually revert back to the old pattern.

      You have nothing to feel guilty about, don’t let that become real for you. You’re fine. Go find a healthy, normal guy with a lusty sexual appetite to match yours. Blessings, Luise

  81. C. August 29, 2009 at 6:35 am #

    Luise. That was obviously a narrow minded view. You pretty much blamed this guy and treated sex like the only “action” to account for to decide if he loves her. It could be many things. And personally, I’m a 22 year old good looking guy… and I would be happy with a woman who is physically incapable of sex for her entire life. Know why? Because love is deep… not just a fling. He might also be thinking higher, or maybe is unhappy with the emotional connection. Men have hearts too. It’s not all about our sex. Not all of us anyway. My mom didn’t have sex with her husband for two years because he couldn’t perform after a major heart attack. She is a beautiful cocktail waitress who looks 30 and could have a man in a heartbeat. She was frustrated, yes, but you know what… she would have stayed forever if the problem never left. Know why? Because she has a big heart. Not just hormones. And he’s the same about her. That’s a relationship worth looking up to. C.

    • Luise August 29, 2009 at 9:04 am #

      You are absolutely right. There are people out there who think and feel like you do. Blessings, Luise

  82. H. August 29, 2009 at 8:41 pm #

    I am 34 year-old, attractive, caring, fun and successful female with a great loving husband. We were high school sweethearts. My husband I have talked about his non-existent sexual drive but nothing’s ever changed.

    I had meaningless affairs several times with different men over the last 13 years just to feel that I’m still wanted. (I used to pretend in my head it was my husband but I no longer even do that after years of rejection.) It seems to be the way I keep my relationship with my husband strong because I can then focus on other things with him that makes us happy.

    I can probably force him to make love to me; but that’s not what I want. All I want is to simply see him genuinely want me occasionally. Even once or twice a year and even if it doesn’t come to completion, it would validate that he finds me attractive. That’s all I ask for and I can live my life with him forever without ever considering looking at other men and live happily ever after. H.

  83. B August 29, 2009 at 10:46 pm #

    Women who go through sexual rejection find it painful because it feels miserable when self-esteem is squashed. Often it’s not totally about sex. Women want to feel cherished, special and desirable. That’s pretty normal and when that’s missing, the loss can be felt deeply. I’m in that situation, sadly.

  84. A. October 14, 2009 at 2:18 pm #

    Dear luise

    My Partner and I are both 43yrs old and met 13yrs ago. He was very keen to be with me and treated me so well and did nice romantic things that eventually convinced me to go ahead with the relationship, which was 13yrs ago. We both had been in long term relationships not long before we got together.

    After a couple of year things started to fade in the bedroom front. He stopped getting close and it got to the stage around 7yrs ago sex became less and less until it was once every 6mths for a few years and then to no sex now for the past 2yrs 4mths. He had a couple of ops a few years ago, which were not related to any of this. Since then he just doesn’t come near me what so ever and says there is nothing wrong with him physically. He cant bare being near me, not even a cuddle in bed – nothing! Yet he wants me to act as though there is nothing wrong and to let the world see we are the perfect couple. He doesn’t go out anywhere for long enough to be having an affair and says he would never do that to me. He won’t talk about it and accuses me of being a trouble maker when I ask for answer to his bizarre behavior. I live my life in silence and I’m rotting away with self hate and no self esteem or confidence to move on. Instead I hide away from it. I need to find who I am again but don’t know where to start.
    I would like to point out that, he is very thoughtful and very generous in other ways, which makes things harder I guess for me to get the backbone to go. I’m so lonely and so sick of these thoughts swirling around in my head 24/7 day and night it never stops.
    Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get this off my chest. A.

    • Luise October 18, 2009 at 9:44 am #

      Dear A. It is time for you to see a counselor. You can get it off your chest by posting it but you can’t resolve it here. When you get stuck in the “can’t stay/can’t go” impasse it can sap your energy and distort your life experience. There are consequences to either decision but I honestly think the consequences of inaction are even more serous. Blessings, Luise

  85. S. November 2, 2009 at 5:21 pm #

    Dear Luise: I am 23 years old and have been with my 39 year old boyfriend for about 3 1/2 years; we’ve also been living together for about 2 1/2 years. When our relationship first started we had sex all the time for the first year, then once a week, and now it’s once a month (and one time we didn’t have sex for 6 weeks). It’s been once a month for about a year, and I have made an issue of it all year long. He also started having problems performing about half the time. He promised me he would work out and everything would be fine. He worked out for three weeks and then gave up completely. I love him to death; he’s the love of my life but I feel like I’ve been single for a year and am now ready to see other people again (just for the sake of having sex). I have never looked better and guys are coming out of the woodwork to date me. We just moved into a new apartment and could possibly have a great life together, but I’m thinking of moving out or asking him to have an open relationship. I am in a lot of pain and I need help. What should I do? S.


    • Luise November 3, 2009 at 7:54 am #

      Dear S. Open relationships usually cause deeper problems. You just can’t stay and go at the same time. If your present situation works for him and it doesn’t work for you, then it isn’t a relationship…not really. Can you see that? It’s an impasse. Blessings, Luise

  86. K. November 11, 2009 at 12:58 am #

    Hi, My boyfriend and I haven’t been together that long its been about 6 months. I’m 24 and he is 29 at first sex was great and there was a lot of it now its once a week and slowly getting less. This is killing me from the inside he tell me he loves me and cuddles me and is my best friend we do everything together. He knows there’s a problem. We talk about it a lot but it doesn’t change. He tells me he loves me so much and i believe him but he just doesn’t feel that sexual side anymore. He is attracted to me but not in a sexual way. He really wants it to work and get better but we don’t know how. This man is everything to me. Is there anyway he can get that feeling for me back or is it once its gone its gone? Please help. K.

    • Luise November 14, 2009 at 9:41 pm #

      Get into therapy. I think you have a very good chance of getting to the bottom of this and moving on into a mutually satisfactory relationship. Blessings, Luise

  87. A. December 9, 2009 at 2:08 pm #

    Dear Luise, I am in a sexless relationship. We started out having sex all the time but for the last year and a half it’s been like this. Every 6 weeks I have a meltdown and he promises to change, but he never takes action. Now we are waiting on him getting Viagra, but I just had another meltdown and he treated me very badly. He told me he doesn’t like me and it’s my fault he can’t perform. Now he’s trying to prolong our breakup until January 1, but he has strong financial reasons to do so and I suspect that he is just using me for money (the only way I can move out is by getting my deposit back, and he’s basically broke and needs the money for Xmas presents). Should I leave him now or should I give him a 10th chance? A.

    • Luise December 14, 2009 at 2:03 pm #

      I don’t think it’s going to make any difference how many chances you give him, do you? He’s told you the truth (from his point of view)…finally. Move out at your convenience…not his. Blessings, Luise

  88. K. December 26, 2009 at 2:52 am #

    I’d like to ask your opinions on this: My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and are now in our mid-late 20s. We are best friends… but, we don’t have sex any more. This started about 4 years ago (for me), when he started smoking pot everyday and stopped showering regularly. These two behaviors initially made me worried and anxious… but, as they continued, have now made me irritable and mildly resentful. I’ve brought up my feelings and made it clear that I refuse to live like this much longer. He’s said he understands (but holds his ground and won’t change). Now, he is a very smart, funny, sweet and sincere guy; I still love him deeply. But, I also know that I don’t want to be in any relationship where my partner is high daily (sometimes all day) and pays no attention to hygiene (whereas I shower daily, smell nice [so he tells me], and still actively try to look decent).
    What should I do? I feel as though I’d never find anyone with whom I’d get along so effortlessly, who’d I’d laugh as much with… but, I also never imagined my life with a partner who behaved this way. Am I being too demanding? He makes no demands of me and expects the same in return.
    Thanks in advance for your responses. K.

    • Luise December 27, 2009 at 10:25 am #

      Dear K.: We never get everything we want in a partner. The woman whose husband is always neat, tidy and present will have other areas of imperfection that either take a lot of getting-used-to or drive her nuts.

      You, in turn, offer the best and the worse, as well.

      What all of us have to decide is where our priorities lie and what we want to do about them. You may never find that level of compatibility again. You may find someone much more appealing and miss the connection. Or who knows; you may find a guy who meets all of you expectations. If so, look closer; we all have feet of clay. Make peace with yourself, no matter what that entails. That’s the bottom line. It isn’t something another person can give you. Blessings, Luise

  89. J. December 26, 2009 at 9:44 am #

    I have been married for a year and a half and have only had sex a few times. I brought it to his attention and he has sought counseling however during the six months of counseling, I have seen no change in sexual behavior. He is taking medication every other day without improvement. For every four times we try, maybe one time will be successful. I am angry and frustrated and this is taking a toll on me. He’s been checked by a cardiologist, the family doctor and a urologist. Nothing is physically wrong with him. I’ve gone nearly a year with no sex and don’t want to cheat on him but it is getting really tempting. I want kids but at this rate it will never happen. I am healthy, workout religiously and keep myself looking good. I am at my wits end and don’t know what to do. J.

    • Luise December 27, 2009 at 10:33 am #

      Dear J.: You have done everything that I could suggest. I think you know that. You are at stay or go. Neither will be easy. You have a roommate. If you want more, it’s time to either move on or make the ultimate adjustment. There’s no room for resentment or affairs there. Very few people can do that, permanently, and stay healthy. Blessings, Luise

  90. R. March 8, 2010 at 8:46 am #

    I am the one in my relationship who has issues being aroused. And it’s not because I’m selfish or I just want a roommate or I’m being a dictator or for any other reason than the simple fact that it just doesn’t happen sometimes. Physically or mentally. It is flat out WRONG for you to say that it is abuse to a spouse. I think you are incredibly rude, misleading and ignorant. You can ruin relationships with your ignorance. Please think about the other side of the coin when you give advice. You may be hurting more than helping on this subject. R.

  91. L. March 11, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    Dear Luise: Great to know I’m not alone but that doesn’t take the pain away. From where I come people don’t walk out of marriages, so you stay and die a little every day. We have a twenty year old son and married for 22years. We started out with once a month and now none at all. Porn and other women are a bone of contention. I’m a good wife and mother but I do need some gratification. Could do without if he was kind and loving but that to isn’t forthcoming . Met an old friend who had always been there for me and with no provocation things that were pent up over the years just took over and before long we were so intense it was hard to let go. i don.t intend to break his marriage and don.t want to cheat on mine but he is everything that I need and want. Please help. L.

    • Luise March 11, 2010 at 9:36 am #

      Dear L. If you feel you have to stay, then the only peace you are going to find is in staying 100%. That means honoring your vows whether your husband does or not. His disgusting infidelity and neglect doesn’t justify yours.

      It sounds like your marriage is over, if what you started out with once felt like a marriage to you. Your husband has violated every rule in the book and you are being abused.

      No matter what the circumstances are “where you come from” regarding staying married, mistakes are made. It’s up to you whether you stay or go. If you feel you need to put up with abuse your entire adult life then no one can help you free yourself from this bondage. Some women do what you are doing until they die and feel they have done the right thing. I personally feel it’s a terrible price to pay for making a wrong choice when very young.

      Finding illicit love, either accidentally or on purpose, isn’t the answer. It brings guilt and fear and a taste of what you don’t/can’t have. For every moment of validation and comfort that it brings you to you, the price is too high.

      Stay or go, dear one…but don’t do this to yourself or to a married man who can’t face the fact that his marriage, too, is over. You’re playing with fire and causing yourself great stress with no hope in sight. Blessings, Luise

  92. E. March 30, 2010 at 2:45 am #

    So I am not alone in this situation. The fist three years of my four year relationship was loving and very passionate. My fiancee suddenly without warning turned on me. She claims to love me but does not touch me. It has become a very cold lonely and loveless place. She doesn’t consider my feelings at all. When I’m away she claims to desire me but when I return she rejects me. It’s gotten to a point where having been rejected so much ,I dare not attempt to touch her. She actually expects me to enter a marriage under these circumstances. I love her dearly but I can’t get to marriage form this cold lonely and loveless place. Cheating is not an option but she doesn’t want me to leave. It sometimes feels like she’s using intimacy as a weapon to punish me. I could use some feedback……help. E.

    • Luise March 30, 2010 at 7:02 am #

      What a blessing. That’s how I see it. You fund out what this woman is all about before marriage. It doesn’t matter what she says, it’s her actions that speak of her heart. More on as quickly as possible. Whatever her definition of love it, it’s never going t work for you. For instance; punish you for what? And is she the adult and are you the child? She has some serious problems and if you marry her, they will become yours. Honor yourself and never let yourself be drawn to disrespect. Blessings, Luise

  93. S. April 23, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    I have found my one true love and there is no man in the world that will ever be close to as perfect as this man is for me. I love everything about our relationship except that he barely has sex with me (once every 2 months, and only if I have a nervous breakdown first). I don’t want to derail my life and move out, and I don’t really want much to change, but I want to have sexual satisfaction. I am very young and I want to feel sexually desired.

    In this situation, could an open relationship work? S.

    • Luise April 23, 2010 at 12:21 pm #

      In my experience an open relationship never works. (You could be the first one, of course.)

      You don’t want him to be how he is, that’s the bottom line. so he is not perfect for you.

  94. N. May 27, 2010 at 5:59 pm #

    Were in our mid 60’s and hadn’t had sex in about 30 years. I have medical issues where I have to take meds causing my libido to crash land. My wife wasn’t happy and still isn’t and I just told her thats the way it is, talk to the doctor! She did and he said thats the way it is. Frankly I havent any need for sex. It dosen’t do anything for me. Now as far as my wife goes she can do what ever she wants. But I can’t accomidate her in any way. N.

  95. S. June 8, 2010 at 11:49 am #

    For 2 years, my boyfriend (that I’ve been with for 4 years) and I were only having sex once every 6-8 weeks, and I had to have a breakdown to make even that happen. I almost moved out and now we are having sex on a more regular basis, but I feel broken from the agony I went through over the last 2 years, and I want to see other people. Should I give him one last chance or should I just end it? S.

    • Luise June 10, 2010 at 9:50 am #

      You got what you wanted. Why not hang in there?

  96. A. July 23, 2010 at 2:28 pm #

    I completely disagree with your advice. You are obviously thinking of this from a rejected persons point of view. Some people just aren’t sexual beings. I am one of those people. I love to be touched, held, kissed and loved, but feel that the sex act s disgusting. It is just the way I see the situation. There is nothing wrong with me. It isn’t that I just haven’t had it right or had the right guy do it right…I just find it repugnent. I can not have children so it seems to me a waste of energy to even participate in an act that is just gross to me just to make someone else happy. I am more than willing to give my whole heart, make sure that he knows I think he is a beautiful man both inside and out and do sweet and kind things for him to show my adoration for him. There are definate ways to love someone without having sex. Also, just a question…why is it that you are so quick to through therapy and counseling out there as a solution? Talking to your spouse or partner may have been a better jumping off point in healing the feelings she(and others commenting) have had regarding their sexless relationships. I am a firm believer in “Only you can close your own mouth and only you can open it.” Communication in a relationship is key!!! A.

    • Luise August 7, 2010 at 2:36 pm #

      You have my deepest sympathy.

  97. R. August 13, 2010 at 8:36 am #

    I decided to move out a few months ago with 2 girls and see where that took me. I had no intentions of dating either, but somehow fell in love with one of the girls. We have been dating for 9 months now and the beginning of the relationship, we held off sex for a month or so. Then we got tired of waiting. The first few months were non stop. NOW, she doesnt seem interested. I know she works a bunch and always seems to be tired to do anything. We are intamate in every way but no sex. We both love each other, but i always believed a good sex life equals a good relationship. Confused. R.

    • Luise August 16, 2010 at 8:07 am #

      Some people do that when the novelty wears off. She was just as busy and tired when you were intimate on a regular basis. If you are not comfortable, move on. You can’t change her.

  98. V. August 23, 2010 at 3:35 pm #

    i have a major problem, i want to be in a relationship but not have sex, due to my past i now find sex disgusting and if it gets close to sex with someone i feel physically sick and i have really bad panic attacks, men think I’m a complete freak because of this, what can i do? V.

    • Luise August 24, 2010 at 9:04 pm #

      I would see a good counselor. Not necessarily to get over it…but to at least learn to live with it. Men, unless they have a serous psychological problem, want a relationship to have a sexual base. Blessings, Luise

  99. S. September 28, 2010 at 5:47 am #

    I am writing to report that after 2 years of being repressed sexually by my ex-boyfriend, I have fallen out of love with him, broken up with him, and am finally moving out of this apartment November 1. I have started seeing other people, and am a lot happier. And now after all of that, he says he’s getting Viagra – screw him!S.

    • Luise September 28, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

      Of maybe don’t!

  100. B January 1, 2011 at 11:37 pm #

    Wow, there are so many comments on here and surprising most from women. On one hand it let’s me know I’m not alone but also its scary as heck and makes me wonder if there’s any hope! When did guys stop wanting to have sex? I wonder if its something I’m doing wrong without even realizing it all the time. My story is pretty much the same as most that I’ve read. I’m 34 and he’s 33. We’ve been together 3 years. Sex was amazing at first then he stopped being interested…and rejecting my advances. We’ve had sex twice in the past ten months and both times we had to stop because we weren’t getting anywhere. There’s always excuses when I try to discuss the topic, my favorite being that I never make the first move so its my fault. Which I have no confidence to make a move after being rejected so many times. He also wont cuddle, touch, nada. At this point I’m not even interested anymore. Im trying to decide if I should move in with a friend. I feel horrible leaving him on his own because he won’t have anywhere to go. I don’t want bad karma but I don’t want a sexless life like my parents had. What to do? B.

    • Luise January 7, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

      I don’t think (for what ever it’s worth) that taking care of yourself is bad Karma. You need a life. Blessings. Luise

  101. M. January 31, 2011 at 12:37 am #

    My story is very complicated, I’m not sure of anything anymore.
    We have been together three and a half years, I’m in my late 20’s and he’s in his mid 20’s.
    At first everything was great, then it changed after about a year. He started turning the lights out and then one day it just stopped.
    Its now been a year and 4 months, I try everything, and I mean everything, but nothing. I’ve tried talking about it, but he just says nows not the time, as always.
    Everything is there except that and I don’t understand, its making me feel unloved, useless, unattractive and I’ve become “dependent” because of this, he does not know, sadly enough.
    I’ve even told him if he’s not into me just to let me go, and I’ve even threatened to be with someone else, still nothing.
    Our relationship is great, but that, and I don’t know why.
    Guys are always tell me I’m beautiful, I get hit on daily, but I only want him. I just feel way too young for this and hate what I’ve become. Please tell me whats your opinion on this? M.

    • Luise January 31, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      It’s over. I has been for some time. The fact that the rest of your relationship is OK is never going to balance it out. You deserve so much better. The problem ins his…don’t make it yours. Move on. Blessings, Luise

  102. T. March 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

    Dear Luise,
    My situation is this my son’s father is a good co-parent but our relationship has changed from since we moved in together. We went from having sex three times a week two rounds to two times a week one round then one time a week one round and finally now only when he’s in the mood. He says he has a lot going on but he watches porn by himself. I’m a size 6 which is smaller than my pre-pregnancy size. I admit that I’m not an emotional person towards him but I feel like he’s taken interest in someone else. My gut tells me this because of the changes in his actions towards me. We don’t go out anymore either. I want our relationship to work but I don’t see how it can work when sex is not a mutual reflection of our relationship.
    I need to have sex at least twice a week so my only options is to seek sex else where. I don’t like mind games and he seems to pull back on the sex when he wants me to listen to him. I don’t care to listen to him because I’m mad that I’m not having sex.
    I find myself thinking about another man often. I think about the way he used to touch me. I’m torn because our son is 7 months old so the adult thing would be to make it work so I can maintain my lifestyle. The man I’m thinking about is great in bed. He knows exactly how to please me without me saying a word. I need them both in my life to make up the perfect man. T.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:29 am #

      That isn’t going to work for long and I think you know it. You child’s father has a sex life. That’s what watching porn alone is. Move on and if the guy you referd to isn’t right…keep moving on. Your baby is not going to thrive being raised by an angry mom.

  103. A. March 6, 2011 at 9:28 am #

    Can a sexless marriage last.
    Married 43 years and 30 without sex. Years ago my husband just decided to stop what little sex we had.
    Were still together though the road has been rocky. Why we stayed together I don’t know. A.

  104. R. March 13, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    I have been in a sexless relationship for over 2 years, I knew when we started the relationship that my partner had a low sex drive. And to start with I thought that we would deal with it, as they said that in previous relationships they have had a sexual relationship, we have started to have sex twice and each time I was told to stop and just go to sleep and didn’t want to talk about it. I have seen the computer history and the porn sites, so I know that there must be some sex drive. To start with we were close but now we sleep at opposite ends of the bed. Don’t hug, kiss hold hands or anything any more there is still love on my part but its no where near what it was it feels like we are just 2 people co existing in the same house. I have tried to talk about it but I get no response or if I do it’s that everything is fine. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to leave but I don’t know if staying is a good idea for either of us either. R.

    • Luise March 13, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

      It’s time to move on. You deserve a lot better. He prefers porn sex and there’s nothing you can do about that. Staying is going to do more harm than good.

      • L. October 16, 2012 at 8:27 am #

        I know exactly how you feel, I have been with my partner for just over 16 years. For the best part it was great, then he got a job away and I hardly saw him. He has now been back home a year, and our sex life is non existent. He also sleeps the other side of the bed, doesn’t hug me or show affection in any way. I feel totally worthless as a person. L.

  105. MC March 16, 2011 at 11:21 am #

    Wow, I am so surprised that my relationship situation is not as uncommon as I thought. I am stuck in a sexless relationship. My girlfriend and I are living together. Like everyone said, the beginning was really good, but then slowly sex stop. At first, she said it was because she wanted to preserve the new-ness of our sex, then it’s because she’s too tired, she just ate, she had a long day, she’s working early the next day, or maybe it’s me, I have a high sex drive, I am a sex freak until finally she said that she’s always had a very low sex drive.

    A lot of people don’t know how damaging a sexless relationship is until they’re in it. The insecurities it put on the relationship and the person it self. I’ve lost confidence in myself, I am sad all the time, I envy other happy couples, I don’t enjoy anything anymore.

    She clearly said that it’s her low sex drive, but she still love me and she still want to be with me. Every time we fight, she said she’d try to meet me in the middle, but that never happen. We’ve gone months without sex. I don’t want to bring it up and fight over and over again about the same thing. Can I blame her? I mean it’s not her fault. How can you fix something like that?? I don’t want to leave her, I love her very much and I can’t see myself with anyone else. But by staying I am just hurting myself.

    I need advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or is still in one. MC

    • Luise March 17, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      MC, it’s a no-go. If you were going to be able to survive the torture and the fights you wouldn’t have written to me. Move on and rebuild your self-esteem. Some really great gal is going to come along that appreciates you. Don’t throw your life away. Blessings, Luise

  106. J. May 17, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

    Dear Luise,

    It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one in this type of situation. I just hit the one year mark with my boyfriend and it seems as though I am facing a sexless relationship. This guy spent the better part of five years pursuing me, suggesting being in a relationship, etc. After I did some healing on my own from previous disastrous relationships, I agreed to enter into one with him. We were hot and heavy for about the first week. After that, nada. Not even passionate kissing, although he does hug me a lot and tells me he loves me. He told me that sex is not that important to him and although I also have a low sex drive, I find that this complete lack of anything sexual is starting to affect me negatively. I know he’s not cheating, but he does satisfy himself instead via downloaded videos when I’m not around/still asleep.

    I feel like we’re glorified roommates. Now, he’s my best friend and we get along great, but other than that, I don’t feel like I’m even in a relationship. I have brought up the issue to him on several occasions but he shrugs it off, gets annoyed, and doesn’t want to talk about it. I think he has some hangups. Plus, he has told me that he has a foot fetish, but nothing he wants as far as that goes is remotely satisfying to me. In fact, I can’t stand it. I feel like the little attraction I did have towards him in the beginning is rapidly waning. I had more sex when I was single than I did in this relationship. I’d leave but a) I don’t want to break his heart and b) I moved halfway across the country to be with him and for now I’m stuck in an area where I don’t know too many people and don’t have the funds right now to relocate again (nor would I even know where to go next.)

    Just wondering what your take/suggestion would be. Again, he’s my best friend and a great guy, so I don’t mean to bash him, but this is not what I had in mind for a relationship, especially since he acted like he was so into me for so many years prior. He’s even started talking about marriage and a big part of me says “no” to that whole idea.

    Thanks in advance,

    • Luise May 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

      He did what he had to do to get you. And you are using each other, since you are staying for reasons of your own. He’s not going to change because it’s working for him. You probably aren’t going to change either and a lopsided relationship isn’t working for you. Get it out there in the open…and set it up as roommates until you can afford to move on or go back home. You deserve a lot better than that.

  107. K. May 18, 2011 at 9:02 pm #

    Dear Luise
    My partner and I live as a common-law couple. We’ve been together for 3 years now and have a 6 month old son. He was very passionate with me for the first year and then it just seemed to go away. By the time I was 7 months pregnant he had pretty much lost all desire. He loves me and finds me attractive still. He tells me he just doesn’t see the big deal over sex. Once a month or so he’ll allow it but it feels as if it’s just to keep me happy. When I try initiating other times he just says he’s sorry and pushes me away. Our relationship is perfect in every other way but i just can’t get past this point. We’re young – barely twenty- and I can’t help but think something’s wrong. We have endless amounts of kisses and cuddles but no passion. What can I do to fix things? K.

    • Luise May 25, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      You can’t fix his problem. You can either deny that part of yourself and seek inner peace instead of painful (natural) rejection or you can move on.

  108. R. May 25, 2011 at 10:48 am #

    Ive been with my boyfriend for 10 years now, we are amazing friends like everyone said just glorified roommates. We cuddle a lot give hugs, we just don’t kiss passionately or have sex, he treats me the same way as are cute little puppy dog. After communicating about it, he will initiate sex but its usually seems forced and he tries to get it over with as fast as possible or doesn’t finish at all and says he’s tired. when he’s with his friends he will comment about beautiful women saying they have a nice butt or something rather similar. it never bothered me before because he’s a guy and I was secure as a women and now i do get upset and he wonders why, he says it never bothered me before and I tell him that was before you stopped having sex with me. He tells me I shouldn’t get my self confidence just from him I need something of my own to feel gratified from life like a hobby. He’s good at making my feelings seem irrational just because im a girl and we dont make since half the time. I feel alone half the time and if I feel like this already whats the difference of actually being alone. we are not going get married or have kids so who cares, if he’s my friend im sure he always will be. R.

  109. K. May 27, 2011 at 10:35 am #

    Dear luise,
    I am in a sexless relationship with my boyfriend of over a year. He just turned 31 and I will be 26 next month. In the beginning I would come over to his house and he would wake me up with sex and then take me home. I felt cheap, I also know at the time he was having sex with other girls. No big deal because we had not become official. Then he told me he was falling in love with me, he has never felt this way before for any girl and wanted to be exclusive. I moved in after 2 months and we live very well together. Then out of left field he started to become paranoid with me getting pregnant (at the same time he told me he had to pay 20,000 for the tax on some account.) A month later I had a pregnancy scare and he told me that he would pay me 20,000 to get rid of it. I guess it was then that my mind put two and two together. Since then we never have sex. He claims it is because I am not on birth control so I went on birth control and we still don’t have sex. So I took it out because all it was doing was making me hormonal and fat. He then expressed to me that he wanted me to go back on it and for me to keep it in. So that is where I am at now. I am waiting for it to kick in he wants to wait 3 weeks. Here is the odd part, unlike most of the women here I do not care if we have sex or not. We have great passionate sex when we do but I can take it or leave it. I know he watches A LOT of porn. And I am okay with this. He meets every need I have and I love him so much. We cohabitate well and even like the same things. When we do fight (we have only fought twice in over a year due to stress in his life, he took it out on me.) And kicked me out. When he did the last time he was like you can still come over and hang out things will be pretty much the same thing because we will not have sex and be best friends. That hurt! But still I was okay with it. He is my best friend in the whole world and I love being with him with or without sex. I told him he can find someone to give it to him on the side and he became offended with my statement and thought I wanted someone else. SO I guess it a way people have to learn to live with this or move on. Why sacrifice your best friend and the chance of having an amazing relationship due to one missing aspect. I would rather be in a sexless relationship than a miserable one. I am sure that he is my soul mate. And in every relationship it is give take and in our case we both agree in this area. I guess I am not offended because he expresses his love in other ways that I find to be more appealing than him on top of me. He is always going out of his way to pleasure me with his kindness and love. We are both drinkers and drink A TON of wine and I am assuming this can contribute to our decreased libidos. Do you this could work long term? Looking forward to your feedback. Thanks. K.

    • Luise May 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm #

      If it works for you that’s all that matters. Blessings, Luise

  110. C. May 29, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

    My boyfriend of 3yrs and I used to have sex lots like 2 to 3 times a week without making love until last month I demaned to have sex so we did because I asked for sex. This month we didn’t have sex because that what he wanted from god,I mean its called adultery from god but other part is he’s interest in me being improved by listen good and communtion right then he would make love and sex with me what do u think? I told him no matter whatever he did and I always love him. C.

    • Luise May 30, 2011 at 2:46 pm #

      I hink he’s a loser and it’s time to move on. His excuses aren’t acceptable. You deserve better than that.

  111. L. June 21, 2011 at 5:21 am #

    I am 44 now and was in a long relationship for 17 years and three children – the day he said he wasnt much into kissing anymore I should have left. The time he said its not You , its me I should have left and the time he said that sex was for procreation I should have left! I assumed he was a guy without much sex drive only to find out years on that he was gay. Humour and shared thinking kept us together . Until you get out of a dead relationship then you cant see your way forward. We all only have one life and often think we love someone but youare wasting your time with someone who does not show it. My advice – dont waste your 30’s 40’s or 50’s feeling lonely when you are not alone. L.

    • D. July 30, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      O M G, thank you so much for posting this. I am in a sexless relationship with my “boyfriend” of three years. Thank you–you just helped me make a much needed decision to accept this is over and move on and OUT. D.

  112. M. July 3, 2011 at 7:43 pm #

    I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and was recently engaged. My fiancee was diagnosed with a disease that affects her joints for which there is no cure for. She takes medicine that totally decreases her sexual desire so I have found myself having sex, if I am lucky, one time a month. I am feeling anxiety and get upset when I ask for any type of intimacy and then I get rejected. Her words are, “you know the reasons why I can’t have sex.” I am in total love with her family but I can predict the outcome of our relationship whether it be prior to our wedding or a couple years after if it doesnt improve. I have no idea what to do. Do i go behind her back and cheat just to satisfy my needs or do i just break it off. I would feel so cold if I did this because I treat her like gold, thus the reason why her family loves me. I just turned 31 and she is 30. We don’t have any kids and with the medicine that she is on prevents her from getting pregnant. I can feel myself getting upset and getting quiet sometimes around her but I can’t seem to just tell her how I am really feeling. Please help. M.

    • Luise July 5, 2011 at 11:47 am #

      It isn’t going to work. You know it and so does she. You are a healthy, normal male and “knowing the reason” doesn’t fix anything. You may look heartless to her and to her family but you are seeking a wife, a normal sex life and a family. The person you need to consider here is yourself. Respecting yourself is also healthy and normal. She is breaking your heart…don’t take it upon yourself to see yourself as breaking hers and then dedicate the rest of your life to not being true to who you are. Blessings, Luise

  113. D. July 16, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

    I know sex is a lot of fun, but if that’s the only fault in a relationship, it seems odd to call it quits. He makes you laugh, she understands you, he cheats at monopoly when you get up to grab some potato chips. There can be so many great things outside of the sex, that are worth preserving, and I hate to see relationships ruined based on that. D.

  114. D. August 3, 2011 at 6:26 am #

    I was in a similar situation. It was a long distance relationship from the start and lasted close to two years. After the birth of our daughter (who’s now 9 months) he seemed to do a complete 360. We went from talking on the phone for hours, making love frequently, and goofing off like a couple of love sick kids to nothing. I wasn’t afraid to speak my mind to him and tell him that he no longer made me feel loved and attractive. He had nothing to say that beyond him telling me he still loved me and desired me. But I know actions speak louder then words so I broke it off with him. Foolishly I let my family talk me into trying to reconcile for the sake of our daughter. He’s a good man in principle… you know responsible, great father, takes care of his business, etc but who cares about that when I’m not happy. I hate that I asked him to come back… he said he’d think about it and let me know. But I know he’s not going to change. It’s like no matter what I say he doesn’t react. That bothers me and pisses me off. I should have went with my first mind and ended it because I know he’s not fulfilling my needs but I’ll always love him for giving me our daughter. Now I’m hanging in the wind waiting for him to take ME back… I’m such an idiot!D.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 8:58 am #

      You’re not an idiot…you have been undr pressure and it is really hard to go through such huge issues. You deserve better. You know that.

  115. K. August 21, 2011 at 7:55 pm #

    Hi Luise,
    I am in my early thirties . I have been married for about eight yrs now and I am in a totally sexless relationship. There was some passion to begin with but the day we got married it was like someone switched him off! we have talked about it and I am tired of the feeling that i am throwing myself at him. His usual excuses included being tired, stressed out or lately the fact that he actually had some surgical problem. well the surgery has been done but i do not really see hm making any advances at all. Of course none of the above excuses apply when he watches porn!I know I should leave him –i have been thinking of that for last eight years but I am also insecure enough to know that i am not going to find any one else.It was not like guys were running after me to begin with. looks are not a problem I am just not bold enough to walk up to strange guys and strangely enough I seem to intimidate men. whats your advice? K.

  116. U. August 22, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    I am so glad I found this site. I am 36 years old and have been in 2 long term relationships in my life, the first was for 15 years with a very abusive man now the relationship I am in has been for almost 7 years. Sex in the beginning was almost daily for 2 years since then we are lucky to have sex once every 3 months he says he is interested but he can no longer perform (hes 36 also) he has been to a doctor and there is nothing physically worng with him, he tries but it is usually over on his part before it even begins. I feel so ugly and unattractive. We have a 4 year old son together and I have often thought of leaving but feel I cannot because of our son as he says he’ll fight me in court for him. He s a nice man but I am unsure if I can live like this much longer. He was in a previous relationship for 3 years when he was younger and was so hung up on her that he refused to be with anyone else for over 10 years waiting for her, she moved on shortly after they broke up and is happily married and has a child, I have had his family tell me he will never love anyone like he did her. He says he loves me but he never kisses me unless it is goodnight or goodbye other than that there is zero contact. I also have 3 children form my previous relationship and I just want to do what is best for my children, but I dont think that being depressed and unhappy and constantly suffering from severe anxiety attacks is good for them either which I think comes form having such low self-esteem. PLEASE HELP. U.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 10:56 am #

      Dear U.: You have to weigh your options and do what has to be done. Another person can’t tell you that you are unlovable. They can only tell you that they are so damaged that they cannot love. If you can get his limitations are not on purpose and he can’t do anything about them…and you can’t change any of it…you may get to acceptance. If not, you will have to move on. What he doesn an doesn’t do is about him. How you react and what you do about it is about you. The ball is in your court. Blessings, Luise

  117. U. August 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    I must add and sorry this post is so long but I have to wonder if he is even lookin for a relationship at all or just a mother he nevr really left home until he moved in with me at 30 and he is just happy to go to work come home and have his dinner served to him and sleep thats it he does no “man” work my older son is expected to do it. Also we never really had a date we went to dinner once with another couple and when the bill came he never made a move I paid bc I was expected to pay for my own meal just didnt know I had to pay for his also. Thank you for letting me add more. U.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 11:02 am #

      You saw the handwriting on the wall and chose to ignore it. We are all inclined to do that. We want to imagine it will change…or that we can change it. Not so. You got a companion and a roommate and for many that’s enough and much better than struggling alone. However, if you are going to get stuck in the unfainess of it, you will take yourself down. None of us is perfect…and we are all doing our best no matter how that looks. Blessings, Luise

  118. A. August 26, 2011 at 9:29 pm #

    I’m really embaressed about my situation. I thought things would get better with our sex life but it never happened. Married 40 years and approx 30 years without sex or intimacy of any kind. He decided one day to just turn off any kind of inter connection with me. After months of trying to get answers he finally told me. First he wasn’t gay or into porn nor interested in any one else. He stated sex and intimacy is just useless interaction between male and female, he was never interested in any sex, it was boring, ment nothing, and way to much work for so little. I was depressed for years. Been without for so long, and I wouldn’t know what to do with it now. We live in the same house, he lives downstairs and I upstairs. A.

    • Luise August 27, 2011 at 8:02 am #

      There is absolutely nothing wrong with that point of view as long as you both agree. For one person to decide for two is where the issue lies. You still have the right to move out, not necessarily for sex but for self respect. It’s your call and if you decide to stay…that decision will put you in charge of your life. You let him take it over…time to take it back. Blessings, Luise

  119. J. September 8, 2011 at 11:11 pm #

    I feel embrassed, ashamed, alone, rejected and I’m at my wits end. I have been in a relationship with a fantastic guy for 11 years. He’s a great guy – the time of guy that everyone loves and wants to be around. To start with our relationship was normal but shortly after it all changed. There is no intimacy, no affection at all and there hasn’t been for at least 11 years. I’ve spoken to him about it and he gets very short with me. I’ve asked him to see a Dr and he said he would but never did. I’ve asked him to go to a Shrink – he refuses. I thought he was into porn, maybe even hookers or even gay. No he just says it’s not that important to him. He tells me I live in a fantasy land – it’s insulting.
    I’m tired to feeling like a friend/roommate/Mother for keeping up appearances. The longer this has gone on the deeper the I hurt. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I am so confused, ashamed and feel dirty, that I’m not worthy and everyone in my life thinks he’s the bees knees. I’m tried of being asked why we’re not married or don’t have kids. I feel like a failure.
    I want to move forward in my life and to do that I need to accept and understand why he treats me that way. I struggle with this because I don’t understand it. What is he punishing me for? Why am I not good enough at least if he would spit it out I could move on.
    I’ve stuck by him because I know who he is capable of and largely because I’m terrified of having to see him with someone else know that he is sharing that with someone else but he deprived me. I honestly don’t know if I could handle it.
    When hes with his friend he still make remarks about girls and he flirts with other girls and I see red because I just don’t understand.
    How can I move on when I have no understand or acceptance? How do I move forward without regrets? I love him but I expect more from him that he’s clairly able to give me or allow me.
    Any advice would be magic, Thanks. J.

    • Luise September 12, 2011 at 8:58 am #

      J – You move on because you deserve so much better and only you can give it to yourself. You let whoever comes next in his life have him and you know that she, too, will pretend all is well…just like you have. This isn’t about understanding “why”…it is about your survival as a whole, worthy, lovable person. Gather up your self-respect and move on. Give yourself the life you are capable of that he isn’t capable of. Love yourself.

  120. R.. September 16, 2011 at 7:38 am #

    Sorry, but sex is a very important part of a a relationship. Granted,n there are some couples where both are cool with no sex, but when one denies the other any sex, it’s a form of abuse.
    Here are your options-

    (1) Get used to never having sex again, things will never change

    (2) end the relationship

    (2) If you can’t have sex in this realtionship, get it outside of the realtionship. There are some couples where the one with no sex interest is okay with their partner having sex with someone else. Just be open about it. If they oppose this, then insist they start giving you sex, or threaten to end the relationship

    (3) have an afair without telling your partner

    My girlfriend of 4 years lost all interest in sex and refused to see a councellor. In the end I broke up with her because of that We clicked in all other areas though. Sex is as important in a realtionship as communication. How would you like a relationship where your partner never spoke to you? Most people would end it, and should do the same with a sex-resistant partner. R.

  121. M. October 25, 2011 at 12:43 am #

    I know my B-F has problem from day one, but as I don’t really have a serious relationship before and really want to get marry and have kids (I am just turning 40), I thought as long as he love me it’s fine; as all my girl friends said when the relationship continuing the sex will be less. But after one and a half year I know even less of sex is better than sex last less than 5 mins, less foreplay, or impotance. I consider myself without sex all the time, but I do love sex. I am in a situation that time is ticking for my ability to have kids and also I do like him more as time goes by, but I found myself depressing about this when I am by myself (if I am with him I will think less of this). Now he is my fiancee and I am so confuse about what I should do at this moment. I went to see theripist for it and the therpist said there is a way to make it happen but I never let him know how I feel about our sex life (he knows he has problem but he thought I am ok as I never really complant — as I know his problem from day one that i feel bad let him know I have problem with it afterward). M.

    • Luise October 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

      M – Being with the wrong person is lots worse than being alone. You need to move on. Blessings, Luise

  122. A. October 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm #

    I was living with a guy for a year. We had never had a physical relationship before we lived together or while we lived together but we considered each other boyfriend/girlfriend. He did not want a physical relationship but did not ever tell me that. He said he loved me but actions DO speak louder than words. I eventually moved out. I have to say leaving a relationship that had no physical component to it was the best thing I ever did. They always say if the guy you’re with isn’t willing, there’s always someone else who is. It’s true. Don’t waste your time. You will find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I was so depressed living with that guy but didn’t realize it until I left. I hope all of you move on ASAP because life is too short to not spend it with someone who appreciates you. A.

  123. A. October 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm #

    Oh, another thing, I’m pretty sure 90% of the reasons for sexless relationships is the guy is perfectly content being lazy and gets his satisfaction from porn. It’s really sad. A.

  124. L. October 28, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    I cant believe there are so many people out there with the same problem. My Fiancee and I have been together just short of 4yrs and living together for 3yrs. We’ve been engaged for the past 8 months and planning to be married soon. Last time we were intimate was the day he proposed to me, 8 months ago. I feel confused and scared that this is not the right thing to do. When I ask what the problem is he says that he is tired and over worked, which may be true since during the summer he works long hours. He tells me he loves me and will fix it but nothing ever changes. I feel embarrassed initiating now due to fear or rejection. I don’t know what to do, all I do know is that I don’t want to marry into this lifestyle. I am 32 and he is 37. We love each other dearly and would hate to break a wonderful relationship for something that can be fixed. I’ve talked to him about maybe separating as a solution to figure out what we want, but he declines and says things will get better. Like mentioned before, I love him dearly and I would never dream about cheating but have recently found myself being attracted to other men and cant help but to think he is feeling the same or even acting on it…but he again declines infidelity. L. Help!!!

    • Luise October 29, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

      L. – It isn’t going to work. If you were one of those women who found love without sex to be fulfilling, you wouldn’t be writing to me. Andi it isn’t going to change. Love isn’t enough. You need to face that and move on. We can love people that we can’t live with. You deserve so much better and if you marry to create the lifestyle you want, the price will be too high. It always is.

  125. L. October 30, 2011 at 2:19 am #

    I am 29 and my boyfriend is 54. We used to have sex few times every week. As soon as we moved in together it changed. I’m always the one that makes the first move. He says that he loves me and he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t. When I ask him what’s wrong he says nothing. When I tapproach him he likes it but when I mention sex he would rather watch tv. He always says “we don’t have to have sex all the time, we live together”. I just don’t get it. It makes me feel so rejected. Two months has passed and nothing. When we first started seeing each other he was so different. Always wanted me. L.

    • Luise October 30, 2011 at 7:30 pm #

      I really doesn’t matter how much you love each other or why he is the way he is, there is a very basic incompatibility. If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have written your comment here. Wish him well and move on. It is only going to cause deeper and deeper hurt.

  126. K. November 2, 2011 at 1:34 am #

    Wow…I didn’t know that when I Google sexless relationship; I will get so many hits. I am a 41 years old woman and my boyfriend of 3 years is almost 50 years old. I want to have sex but he can’t perform. He is almost 50 years old but he has never had a real relationship before me. I knew that when I first met him but I thought things may change but 3 years goes by…nothing.
    He does not know how to kiss me. He does not know how to touch me. But he is really nice guy and we just purchase a house together.
    I don’t want to cheat on him but I am not sure what to do. I believe he has ED or other physical problem. However, he doesn’t want to talk about it and he will not act on it. K.

  127. P. November 3, 2011 at 7:32 pm #

    I am 28 and my boyfriend is 37. We have lived together for almost a year after having a long distance relationship for 6 years. We only have sex when he’s in the mood, we have sex probably 2 times a month and if lucky 3. It makes me really sad and I feel extremely rejected everytime I initiate sex and he says he’s too tired or sleepy. I’m trying to my hardest to stick around. I’m fit and attractive and when he rejects me I feel not loved ugly and takes my confidence level to an all low. I’ve cried many times and asked him why he’s so selfish and he just says there’s always something new I have to complain about. What do I do?

    • Luise November 18, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      P. – You move on. It works for him and it doesn’t work for you. He isn’t going to change and you aren’t agoing to adapt…why should you? You deserve so much better.

  128. A. November 5, 2011 at 10:32 am #

    I am in the same boat as many of the readers of this… My boyfriend and I live together, he is 38 and i am 27. The relationship started out with plenty of sex, always exciting. Lately, I am the one initiating sex, but he is just not interested. We have had many fights about this, and this makes me feel bad about myself, because it seems like I have “a problem”.. I have told him out of anger, that he does not fulfill my needs (and he keeps on telling me to get someone else who can satisfy my needs)Is this a healthy relationship? We’ve been together for 6 years. HELP. A.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

      A. – You know it isn’t a healthy realionship, you know it isn’t your issue and you know you need to move on. You wrote to me for support. For what it’s worth to you, I agree with you completely. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  129. A. November 7, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    I’ve read through a few of these, and I realize that I don’t have it nearly as bad as some people. My fiance and I have been together for three years, and our sex-life has been gradually decreasing. When we first started dating, it felt like I was everything to him, and he was always “rarin’ to go,” but now, I’m lucky if we have sex every two weeks.

    The difference I have, here, is that he’s told me “our chemistry is different,” and when I’ve told him how it hurts me to go so long without that special, intimate connection, he says, “it’s not something I can fix,” and that I’m “not a supermodel,” so I can’t expect him to lust after me.

    I’m at the breaking point, and I think I may need to move on. I love him, and he says he loves me, but it’s so hard to believe him when my needs aren’t being met. 🙁 Thanks. A.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

      Well, hey…is he a supermodel? Yes, it’s time to get that you deserve so much better and move on. Your life is ahead of you and it’s a great, big, wonderful world out there. My take? Alone is better that what you have and I’m betting that’s not what happens to you.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

      A. – Hey, is he a supermodel? You deserve so much better…move on. You whole life is ahead of you and even being alone is better than what you have going on. And I bet you won’t be alone long.

  130. P. November 11, 2011 at 4:16 pm #

    I’m pregnant by my live in boyfriend and completely lonely. I cry all the time. He rarely ever kiss or hug me. Forget making out because I can’t even remember the last time we did that. We also rarely have sex and when we do it’s like he’s a million miles away. He says he loves me and is not cheating and just like the rest of these commenters he says it’s because he works so much and have a lot on his mind. I feel rejected and unloved. On days he doesn’t have to go in early he does because he says he has nothing else to do so he might as well make money.

    I had a car accident and my car is being repaired. As soon as I get it out I’m packing my bags and moving while he’s at work and never looking back. I won’t keep him from his unborn child but I’m going back to my homestate to start over. I deserve to be loved and I can’t settle any longer. P.

    • Luise November 11, 2011 at 10:28 pm #

      P. – Good for you! You are young and your whole life is ahead of you and you deserve so much better! Go for it!

  131. G. November 17, 2011 at 1:03 pm #

    I am an attractive, fit, 32 year old straight guy that has no interest in sex. Keep in mind that every man’s situation is different and I won’t bore you with my own story. The main issue here seems to be societal influence on our life expectations. People group up in couples because that is what is expected and has traditionally been, and by coupling I mean serious or casual, emotional or physical. I don’t deny that many people feel genuinely fulfilled (or believe they do) when engaged in a relationship with another person but, as evidenced from this thread and just about every couple I’ve ever met, that fulfillment does not necessarily mean enjoyment. It is simply the thrill of being part of the world’s Standard Operating Procedure, which makes people not have to feel like an outcast by being alone. When doing this, you now have another whole person’s dreams, fears, flaws, insecurities, sexual proclivities, etc. to worry about as well as your own. I find it odd that people are so obsessed with having their self worth defined by their sex appeal. It is important to understand yourself, which I feel almost no one does anymore. It is just a chaotic sea of people slowly spinning through life attaching to each other in hopes of finding the one thing that everyone is looking for, acceptance of self. The problem is that it has been happening for so long that no one seems to see what a tragedy it is. Looking for your identity, sexual or otherwise, from someone else is an exercise in futility. Until you break the cultural, religious, moral, and familial views about attaching to others, otherwise having an empty life, you will have an empty life singularly or in a plural context. Do you need sex because you like the physical feeling or do you like the emotional bond? Either option leaves you dependent on another person for fulfillment , which will ultimately lead to disappointment, either sporadic or perpetual. If you love someone and choose to share a portion of your life with them (however long) than you should accept them just the way they are and understand that they are not static beings, but capable of change (to your satisfaction or displeasure). If they do change and you are no longer happy, now your happiness depends on them changing back (long shot) and your life begins to deteriorate because you lose the identity that you’ve built for yourself by investing so much in this person. It’s very sad if you choose to stay unhappy whatever good reason you think you may have, usually dictated again by societal influence, but it is your fault not the other person’s. If you stay and are unhappy, it is your fault for staying, plain and simple. I’m sure everyone likes to think of their situation as complicated and unique, but it’s not. We all fall into patterns of humanity that are echoed throughout the billions of others we share this planet with. I will say that I am at least responsible and self aware enough to speak about my feelings openly. Friends and family know that I am a non-sexual being and I am therefore free of having to pretend and concede who I am, ultimately saving myself and others from being disappointed. It is quite liberating. My point was not to undervalue anyone’s situation, but simply to point out that we are not as unique as we may think and that trying to be a square peg in a round hole will ultimately lead to frustration and duress. The reasons that men may not want sex are limitless. In my case, it simply doesn’t do anything for me. An orgasm is a common and highly overrated sensation and I don’t gain an emotional connection from the act. In this sex consumed world I may be seen as a freak, but I, at least, am honest and content. That does not make me any less capable of loving or being loved. You cannot accept yourself if your seeking your self worth from someone else. So instead of worrying why your partner doesn’t want sex, ask yourself why you let it bother you so much? You can usually tell when you are loved and if frequency of sex is your only defining factor, then you probably aren’t. Good luck to all. G.

  132. B. November 20, 2011 at 6:49 am #

    Im in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
    Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
    Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions? B.

    • Luise November 21, 2011 at 10:04 pm #

      B. – If you want to marry the guy and think that will work…I have nothing to say. Re-read your question. You have absolutely nothing to make a marriage and a home out of.

  133. G. November 20, 2011 at 6:51 am #

    in a very similair situation. Im 21 and by boyfriend is 24. when we first got together we had se whenever we could. When we moved in together it started to fizzle out. Now its months before we have sex again. Im currently in a 9 month drought.
    Ive contemplated cheating on him. I need to have that closeness to someone sex is a huge thing for me and i sincereley miss it. The thing is he wont talk about it. He just ignores the issue and changes the subject. I want him to see a doctor but he wont even consider it. Ive had every excuse from headaches to stress at work. i feel unwanted, un attractive and frankly like a live in house cleaner. And when we do eventually have sex its like he cant be bothered. theres no intimacy. Im seriousley contemplating leaving him. but i love him. This is a man who regardless of the issues wit our sex life i want to settle down and get married to and have children. Which is another reason why this concerns me. How are we supposed to have kids one day when we never have sex.
    Im at the end of my tether with it all now. Anyone have any suggestions?G.

    • Luise November 21, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

      G. – If that’s the kind of man you want to marry and be with for the rest of your life…heaven help you! That’s nuts. You deserve so much better!

  134. A. November 21, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    i really need a man who will love me without sex cos i know that marraige is honourabe when bed is undfiled. A.

  135. H. November 22, 2011 at 8:37 am #

    im 34 my fiancee is 22, we’ve been together for 2 yrs, at first the sex was great and plentiful, but then it gradually got less and less. she had a few bad bladder infections which dampened things but once she was better, it remained stagnant. she recently (5months ago) told me that intercourse hurts, after listening to her i did some research and came to the conclusion she possibly has “vulvar vestibulitis”, i found some clinics in the area that speciallized in just that. she was like that sounds exactly like what she has, but still hasnt even called to make an appointment. it is very fustrating to know that she wont even seek out the help. our sex life has just about completely stopped.she gets mad at me because i have resorted to watching porn. i love her so very much but am starting to think that her lack of effort towards getting medical treatment, is a sure fire sign that our sex life will never again be what it was or could be. am i wrong to feel that she is being selfish? my self esteem, confidence have diminished, i feel alone, and unwanted. and have started to fall into depression. Please help. Thanks. H.

    • Luise November 22, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

      H. – Move on. You can love someone dearly that you can’t live with. You are healthy enough to not want to resort to porn. Good for you. You deserve so much better. There is someone out there who will appreciate you fully. Blessings, Luise

  136. D. November 22, 2011 at 11:20 pm #


    Like many others, my relationship started out fine. We got together 1.5 yrs ago at 21. We used to have sex once a say or multiple times in one day. We moved in together 6 months ago and the sex has basically dwindled down to once a week. I have been trying to spice things up, I initiate every encounter, etc. I have become depressed and very anxious. Things haven’t been changing, even though we talked about it. Now when I ask for sex and get rejected I feel very lonely and depressed. He says he is still very attracted to me but his sex drive has just decreased now that we live together. I feel very very lonely and I wanted to leave. Unfortunately, he is great in every other way and we do still have sex once a week. I feel silly for wanting to end things because of this. I have never been the one to push for sex. However, we don’t do all the cuddling and other lovey stuff that other people are talking about. I wonder if this is abnormal/normal. He says he can’t change his sex drive – I argue that I can’t change mine… Do you think I can fix this? I am seeking help from a psychiatrist for the depression… this coming week. He doesn’t watch porn and I have no reason to think he is cheating on me. I don’t know what to do. D.

    • Luise November 22, 2011 at 11:28 pm #

      D, – Move on. You are incompatable and a serious ralationship needs a better foundation. His sex drive was fine when you didn’t live together. Don’t try to fix it…it’s not your problem. You’re fine and you deserve a lot better. Blessings, Luise

  137. N. November 23, 2011 at 11:23 pm #

    Ive beem with my boyfriend for six years and after i had a baby we never had sex i have to litterally begg for five months everyday he gives me the run around” later later oh morning “now .. until we finally do it and he does very quick no kissimg nothing i beg for that ?if i never mentioned sex and begged for it we would.never do it years could pass and itd never happen because he doesnt initiate it because he doesnt want he wouldnt even notice if we dont have swx for three years tjat is not really hurts.hes only 27 .he loved sex befpre pregnant he watches porn i.does he expect ne to not cheat i feel like im. Allowed to now .we havent kissed for five years. N.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

      He isn’t going to change and cheating isn’t going to work for you. You’re a fine person and you deserve so much better. His love life is his porn. Get the heck out of there.

  138. B. November 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    I have similar situation with my marriage and don’t think I need to detail it out but I do have a question. It seems like moving on (leave the partner) is the popular solution. Any other suggestions besides leaving? Why not try to fix it with counseling? B.

    • Luise Volta December 2, 2011 at 8:24 am #

      B. – If the person who is sexually disinterested wants to go to counseling, that’s a viable option. However, they are not the ones who write to me. The questions that appear here are from the partner who feels neglected. They have usually hit a wall involving their partner not wanted to seek help.

  139. M. November 30, 2011 at 10:52 pm #

    My boyfriend of approx one year has had the worst year of his life. I have known him for 5 years but we never dated until this past January, after his divorce was final. He was married to a woman for less than one year, then four months after that his father died. I believe him to be in a deep depression and that is totally understandable. Our sex life was amazing until his father went into the hospital. I can practically count on one hand the times we’ve had sex since. He has absolutely no drive what-so-ever. I am so hurt by this and trying really hard not to take it personal. It’s hard to go to bed every night with the man you love so deeply and he wants nothing to do with you. It has been 7 months since his father passed and december is the one year anniversary of his divorce. M.

  140. R. December 14, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    Me and my husband has been married for approx 9 months, and together a total of about 2 years. Before we got married sex was ok, but not the greatest. Im 19 and hes 25. Since we have been married we have only had sex twice. I dont understand. I get hit on daily and everyone says im out of his league, but I love him. I try everything, but he says hes always tired, but as tired wise nothin has changed as it was before we got married for him to be tired all the time. I cook dinner for him when he comes home for work then he wants to watch tv for an hour and a half, then we go to bed watch tv for another 30 min and then its lights out. I try and talk to him about it and he doesnt want to talk, he usually ends of mad. Were still newlyweds and I just cant understand why our marriage is like this. I ask him if hes attracted to me and he says yeah, but I just dont know 🙁 R.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:43 am #

      R – You have a roommate, not a husband. If you were able to do that, you woldn’t be writing me. Move on. You deserve much better. He needs help and isn’t interested in getting it. It’s going to take you down if you stay. It’s possible to love someone you can’t live with.

  141. P. December 17, 2011 at 8:51 am #

    Hello I found reading your website very interesting, I am in a similar, yet slightly more odd situation.

    I love my girlfriend very much, and we hug and kiss and hold hands and are close all the time. We even lay naked in bed together which we both enjoy. However sex has always been on and off for us, this is mainly due to me not dealing very well with her past.

    Unfortunately she went through a stage of sleeping around with a lot of men, something I have never dealt with before. I was finding that after we had sex ourselves, I was beginning to feel very uneasy and depressed, almost instantly afterwards. I began pulling away and trying to avoid sex simply because of the negativity I felt afterwards. It’s at the point now, where I actually feel so good, and proud when we get through a night without sexual contact.

    We have been together for 2 years, and it’s now been 5 weeks since we had sex. I have no intention of returning to sexual activity, although I’ve said that before and lapsed.

    We love each other very much, and I want to stay with her not having sex, rather than to be in a relationship with someone else, having sex. I have told her if she has needs, she should leave me, but she won’t. I don’t want her to start resenting me… I have had therapy for this, although it helped me identify that the negative feelings I get are ‘bullies’ or ‘demons’ ultimately, it hasn’t helped.

    To sum up, I do not wish to have sex with my girlfriend, but at the same time I do not want it to drive me crazy thinking about it, or, to ruin our otherwise lovely relationship. Any ideas? Thank you. P.

    • Luise Volta December 18, 2011 at 11:32 am #

      P – It sounds to me like the relationship isn’t working for either of you. It probably isnt natural or healthy to try to ignore the effect it is having you both. You are wise to look closer. You have done your best to get past your issue but have only come as far as understanding it. It’s time to move on. Your girlfriend deserves a full relationship no matter what her past is. Unfortunately, you will be faced with the same thing in your next relationship because we all have sexual histories. If you meet someone who doesn’t, she may want you to be virginal as wel, and you aren’t. Perhaps further counceling will help you get past athe rest of it. The days of a virgin woman meeting up with a virgin man and havine sex for the first time with each other are past. I don’t mean it never happens…but I think when it does, other problems may be built into it and both partners may have serious sexual issues. That doesn’t make promiscuity “right” but it is part of our culture and we have to cope.

  142. K. January 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

    Please don’t judge me; it takes a lot for a person to actually admit to what’s really going on. We have been dating on and off for the past 11years, and together for the past 5years, and living together for the past 3 years, and I can honestly say in 2011 we had sex 5 times. He has cheated on me numerous of times, and even had other relationships but I always seem to forgive him and take him back, He says he is not attracted to me, because I have gain some weight. I’m not 300lbs or anything, but I do now have to extra weight in my mid-section. I have tried 3somes, and poly relationships, and he still doesn’t want me, he says he never even thinks about touching me sexually, we use to sleep in the same bed, but now we have separate rooms. I get angry when he talks about other girls, or look at them in a sexual manor, because deep down I wish he would look at me like that. I stress eat, and eat for lack of intimacy. He thinks being negative would make me want to work out and hit the gym but it only hurts worst. He does a lot of sexting, and masturbating to other woman and he thinks hes doing good now, because he is not actually sleeping with any of them, but he keeps in contact with old girlfriends, he has said negative things about me to some of these x girlfriends, things to make the other girls feel better, like he doesnt want me, or he is not attracted to me. he feels he has to throw me under the bus to make other girls feel better, and beleive his lies. . he treats me like a roommate. I look in the mirror sometimes, and I try to see what he sees, and I’m not this ugly monster that he makes me out to be. Guys hit on me all the time, but he wants nothing to do with me in that way. If I get my hair done, or buy a new outfit it’s like I’m invisible still. I have accepted him, and his extra lbs. throughout the years, and accepted his cheating because I feel it’s my fault he cheats because he is not attracted to me. So it’s like I’m giving him permission to sleep with other girls. I’m pretty much the bread winner, so maybe that’s why he feels he needs to put me down. I cry myself to sleep so many nights, because he is upstairs and I’m downstairs alone. I feel like a man. Like no one will ever want me now, I’m 31yo, and I feel damaged, useless, ugly, worthless, and ashamed. But when it comes to being just friends, talking, laughing, and hanging out. He is the best friend I have ever had. and I think that’s what I’m holding on to, the hopes that this will turn into something better, I love him dearly, even with all this I have said which make me think there is something wrong with me. How can I love someone that makes me feel worthless? I am scared of being alone, and starting over. Or seeing him be a better man to someone else, I wish he could just be a better man to me. We haven’t had sex since October of 2011; we are supposed to try therapy tomorrow. But I feel he only offered because he thinks I’m about to leave. Do he want me to stay, or do he just want me to stay and pay the bills. Omg, I feel like such a loser. idk what to do with myself, or where to start to pick up the pieces. Please help me. K.

    • Luise Volta January 20, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

      K. I would leave and then go into counseling. We can love someone we can’t live with. And if he is ever the man he could be with someone else…it will be because it is somone else. You deserve so much better. Get help and learn to give it to yourself. Blessings, Luise

  143. C. February 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now, We really love eachother but despite our close bond, there are certain things he just wont talk about. We moved in together after a year and by that time we had already been experiencing less sex. I figured it was because of our schedules and perhaps living together would fix that problem. In the beginning he always initiated sex each and every single time. Then it changed, he would complain about timing or being tired from work or the gym. Anyway then it stopped completely (I later found out after 2 years in, that he had no sex drive due to his use of steroids). I was in complete shock. I didnt sign up for this! He became perfect at everything else, I feel like hes trying to make up for it with other things. We are both in our early 30’s and I’m beginning to feel like I either need to be engaged or have a baby, but realistically its just because I feel so unfullfilled. I need something new. I just don’t ever want to regret these 3 years of my life and have nothing to show for in the end. He does absolutely nothing for me. And I dont want to tell a man what he needs to do, its common sense.
    I made him see a urologist and he has very low testosterone and has taken medication but still nothing has helped. The longest we were without sex for was 5 months. And now its been 2 months. He has all these speeches about how there are more important things than sex.
    I know deep down inside that if the roles were reversed he would have definately cheated on me. He keeps stalling and telling me to be patient because he’ll see another doctor. I see no productive action. Should I stay or should I go? C.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 11:02 am #

      C. You already know the answer to that…and it isn’t having a child. (That would only complicate things further.) You deserve so much better. Sometimes we have to write our past off, even if it’s 3 years, as a learning curve and get on with life. Blessinga, Luise

  144. J. February 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm #

    Hi, I do not know if I should be writing on here but I have a similar issue..I am the guy in the opposite situatiuon..I’m completely and truly in love with my gf and we just had a beautiful baby girl 4 months ago…My entire life I was always pressured by guy peers and even girls that everything always was about sex, I got caught up in this almost my whole life..I’m 30 years old and have been in several relationships where I was used for sex, I mean I was told I was that good by many girls but I never really thought that deeply into it and I suppose I just got caught up in the hoopla..Sure it was great and fun, cmon right i’m suppose to be the guy so I should just wanna have sex 24/7 but I am not that shallow of a person..All I ever wanted from day one in dating is to be with someone I loved and to be loved in return but for some reason all it ever ended up was sex, sex, sex..Sex now sex tomorrow and the day after etc……… just went on..I fell deeply in love with someone whom for three years used me for sex (Of course I couldn’t have known that then) then one day I just didn’t want to, then days went by and I still didn’t want to..Why? I kept asking myself because she was like gorgeous, I mean gorgeous..Finally we tried, I felt something and then I just went limp. This went on for a while until she left me for someone else..Since this happened I have had to try to have sex when my significant other wanted to, sometimes I could then sometimes I couldn’t..Either way I have to try to have sex??? I mean this is a guy saying I have to try, do you know what it feels like when I cannot, I feel like crap, like the world is ending..I have cried before because she felt like it was her fault and I felt like I was failing as a man..I keep telling her it is not, that I just do not really want to have sex or that i can’t..Even after having a daughter successfully I might add(she is mine, also) but it is still the same Issue..Why does life have to be just about sex, I mean species have sex just to have offspring so why isn’t it possible that maybe I just don’t wanna have sex..I am not depressed, I am happy as can be, I spend all my time with her loving nobody but her, we love our daughter more than anything but still she acts like were 18 and when we dont have sex then it must mean I hate her or I’m suppose to be then cheating or thinking about breaking up..I’m like wow we have a daughter and a wonderful family, I love them both more than anything and it’s like thats all that matters to her..It is sex not life, I feel I could get depressed because of sexual pressure..

    Ok so I do not know why i’m writing this, maybe it’s to give some other point of view that isn’t well this has to be some sort of counseling issue, or there is something wrong with you..It’s easy for someone else to say leave the guy but it’s much harder to look at a guy and see that maybe he really loves you and that maybe he is a guy just like me..If a guy gives you everything in the world you want and cherish then really what is sex on the importance scale..Well what do you want more? love or sex because to me they are two different things..Love is long lasting, something you can cherish till you die..What is sex? It is a physical process that is pleasuring and to give you offspring..My point is how long does sex last at the most or how long in life till even you cannot do it yourself anymore, when that happens you will wish you had someone that loved you for you and not sex..I’m not a pill person so I do not take pills for issues, like I refuse to take viagra just to have sex, it is unnatural and if my body doesn’t do it but once every six months then that is what it is..I have no problems with it and heck I never even get mad at anyone so what is my issue?? I do not think anything is wrong with me, I just got sick of sex being something that is all important, I beleive in the power of love and happiness..I often try to lookj at other cultures and other societies to see if there is a way of life that may coincide with how I am, Like is it ok to love someone and be in a happy relationship that doesn’t have to do with sex, i wanna raise my family and love my daughter..I do not want to live every day thinking I’m going to lose my daughter because she is going to leave me because of a thing like sex…

    To the first poster, I as a male of sound mind am sick of everything having to be about sex so I guess I too am looking for my own answers to the opposite question so what do you think of what a guy in the opposite place that loves his family is to do…If I cant have sex then I can’t have sex does that mean I love my gf any less or that she should leave me because of it…I would have nothing anymore, all that is good and wonderful in my life would be gone, where would I go from there? I have even looked into the writings of the dalai lama for help, to understand if it is possible to go through life loving everything and everyone, most especially my beloved without sex…Can you understand how it is to be in my shoes and to know that you may lose everything for the all important thing that is sex?

    What do I do? I do not know anymore, I am at the mercy of the one I love and she holds the key to whether I will be with my daughter every day anymore? Think about it. J.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

      J. Thank you for your a very sincere and thought-provoking post. When I suggest that someone move on, it is because they can’t seem to find a way to accept the situation. It can be very distructive to feel somehow to blame, no matter how hard the partner tries to be reassuring, and worst of all, to keep trying to change it. And I agree about Viagra. Deaths from the side affects are getting more and more common. You have a very viable value system to my way of thinking…but/and it is yours. If your gf feels that her basic worth is in being sexually attractive…and her hormones agree…it isn’t necessarily that easy to work through. It is part of her idenity. Blessings, Luise

      • J. February 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

        Thanks, I appreciate that…You are right and I know it is really hard for her also, it pains me to see her like this and to be seemingly powerless to do anything to change it…I didn’t read all the posts but thought that it might be beneficial in this discussion for others to have a guys story from the opposite end of the table basically…( Food for thought, if a guy is not there mentally it is such a challenge to perform sexually and if he cannot it has the ability to make him worse) Like it does me

        After reading more you all seem to care so much and I wish all the best.

        Thank you Luise for the kind words. J.

  145. C. March 9, 2012 at 1:06 am #

    My situation is similar but different. And here I am searching the internet in the middle of the night. I knew the situation early on in the relationship–we clicked right away and had a great time together. I had just gotten out of a series of bad relationships and so I told him I wanted to take things slow. However, a month into seeing him I felt ready to move to the next level. It was when we tried, and things didn’t work, that he told me he’d been having some problems.

    When we talked about it initially, he told me that up until a year and a half ago, he’d never had this happen and that this was a recent development. And he told me about past girlfriends and sexual experiences.

    I expressed that as long as this was an issue, unfortunately, we had an inevitable expiration date–I wasn’t trying to be mean or threatening. Rather I wanted to be as honest with him as he had been with me. He said he understood and that he wanted to get to the bottom of all this. I agreed to wait it out and see if we could figure out what was going on.

    Since then he’d seen a specialist, had blood work done, seen others, but no one found anything to be wrong. We’ve been able to have sex a handful of times since then, and it’s not that he resists it at all, but I’m always the initiator (which makes sense given the situation) and sometimes I feel like he’s doing it just to do what he thinks I need. When we had been able to have sex, it hasn’t been good at all. The whole thing is cerebral and I lead it all while he seems to not know what to do. This isn’t the case with things other then intercourse, and he is incredibly loving and affectionate. He tells me he wants me and that he believes he is a sexual being and that he wishes to figure this out.

    However, it’s now been eight months and the situation has not improved. We keep an open dialogue about it, but again, I’m the one who brings it up, which makes me feel like a huge jerk.

    He has always been caring, understanding and loving towards me. Always affectionate, always expressive and as honest as he knew to be. I love him dearly and want nothing but the best for him, and I know he wants the same for me. But I don’t see how this is going to change. Our most recent discussion about it all revealed that he had really only had sex with two women before, both over a decade ago, and even then the experiences were kind of unreliable. One was during school, and the other during travel and they only saw each other a few times.

    I’m at a loss. He has become my best friend. We don’t fight about anything. Have never fought. Have always communicated honestly and openly, even brazenly, if you will. And in many ways I’m more satisfied in this relationship then others I’ve had.

    But I’m feeling my own self shutting down sexually and not wanting to initiate because it doesn’t feel fun anymore, but rather like I’m some matron schooling a virgin, or like I’m forcing him to do something he isn’t comfortable doing, but isn’t aware he’s uncomfortable with. I’ve said to him that perhaps it’s more an issue of desire than of there being anything wrong on a physical level but he doesn’t think that is the case. I can’t help but believe that it is though, because even when we are sexual I don’t get the feeling that he’s all that excited, even when we’ve been able to have sex I feel like he’s somewhere else, or far too present, observing me, rather than being immersed in the moment.

    So here I am. I am starting to forget what a normal sexual relationship feels like. And yet, I suppose I’m afraid to walk away and lose all the amazing things that this relationship does have which I’d never had before. And yet, I believe, partly because I’ve had him in my life, that there is someone out there somewhere who is just as loving and kind and wonderful but who also matches me on this level of sexual intimacy.

    I wish I could pin point what it is causing this… I mean what is happening, is it just ed? Is it asexuality? I wish I knew, and could change it, but can it ever? C.

    • Luise Volta March 17, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

      C. – I’m pretty sure you know the answer to your own question. You are nearing the experiatin date. It is how it is and no one has been able to figure it out or help him. He’s wonderful and that’s not enough for you. You have tried making it enough but the cost, personally, is too high. Blessings, Luise

      • C. March 17, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

        Dear Louise,

        Thank you for your thoughts… does it make me a bad person? That his wonderfulness isn’t enough for me? I suppose that’s more of a rhetorical question. I wish it was enough.C.

        • Luise Volta March 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

          C. – You have to be true to yourself. Blessings, Luise

  146. D. August 3, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    hi my story is similar to all the above. I was a single mother of two who are now teens and i met a wonderful guy 5 yrs ago and weve been 2gether since. we bought a home 3 yrs ago and he is a great step dad.since the very beginning he lacked the need for sex and once i could remember on valentines day i wore a nice outfit and he barely looked , bt commented n need to wear that because i know what you look like under it all. For a living he does autopsies and has no emotional tendencies at all. I realized from observing his mother also has the same qualities and could not make her marriage work and his father married his (MY BF’S AUNT!). I have always had a great sex lfe with my ex and miss being able to express myself in that manner. He pushes me away at night and we are now once every other month if i am aggressive enugh to fight pass the pushes….did i say im 32 and hes 38! we are young. People ask are you guys getting married yet, but i cannot marry him. I have the most strongest urges to look elswhere for sex because i am just tired of begging i am beautiful and i know this and i feel like he is not listening to my plea of communicating better and the need for emotion bonding especially sexually. he pays a majority of the bills and my family says im stupid for thing about leaving…but what about me? its 5 years we dont travel, we dont cuddle, he can never say he loves me? and most of all i am being neglected. i cannot tell this to my family. my kids have bonded with him and i feel like the devil is on my shoulder saying just cheat and no one will know…but thats not me and i want to feel sexy and be sexual with my man, not someone in the street! at first i thought i was comparing him to my ex because he was the only man to meet my needs on all levels sexually and we communicated so well where as this guy has no urge to have sex for months. hes not cheating i know for sure and his joy is watching turner classic black n white old films allllll dayyy loooong? when i approach him in a very nice way of course he says oh well? what should i do i feel like saying i dont want this because i am aging so fast in this relationship but is that such a selfish thought and move when my kids are involved. there is no room for talking about it with him and i dont want to step out of this relationship but the lack of sex is so severe that i cannot imagine getting married and thats my dream to marry the man i love dearly. i thought a relationship was compromise and communicate….we never had that and now i am sleeping less and less with this thought on my mind……sorru for the rambling all the words in my mind are falling out and i cant keep up. thx for just listening. D.

    • Luise Volta August 4, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

      That’s simple but not easy, D. If it’s about money, stay….lots of people do and there’s nothing wrong with that if you are for sale. If it’s about integrity…pick up your self respect, dust it off and move on. It’s one or the other. Blessings, Luise

  147. R. August 8, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    Hi Luise:
    I have been with a guy for 3 years; we are 50 & 51. I have been divorced for 6 years; he is my first relationship after the divorce. I was married for nearly 22 yrs. and sex with my ex was a turn off for the most part, for may reasons. Anyway this guy I’m with has been a bachelor all his life. Last relationship he had was 25- 30 years ago. Most of his time has been spent alone, driving over the road for the most part. When we started out, we had sex, but now nothing. I’m so done trying, that it does make you feel rejected, hurt, and sad. I have brought this up to him time and time again. He makes every excuse in the book. We do a lot of things together: i.e.; travel. taking short road trips, etc. He is great on a lot of accounts; makes me laught, yet everything to him is a joke. Takes nothing seriously. I have questioned and asked him to be honest about things. I think he is kind weird that he doesnt have that drive. Is it because of him being a loner? I might add that all 3 brothers still live at home with 87 yr mom, and never married and don’t have girlfriends? Weird?? He is the only one whom really branched out; has his own home, etc. But, what about me. I know he is immature to a degree, like the rest of his siblings. But this isn’t healthy. I have desires, and they are not met. Yet others are. What do you do. Being 50 isn’t easy to find just anyone. I have become dependent on him since I lost my job, making matter worse. I recognize all of this, but making the break is hard! I dont want to be alone, yet I am? Any suggestions? R.

    • Luise Volta August 9, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

      R – You were alone for years…and you can be alone again. If you stay because you don’t have a job you are selling youself short and your self respect, already at risk, is going to suffer further damage. You are observing pathology. You know that. Move on. You deserve so much better. I married again, after divorce, at 62 and if I hadn’t I would still have been OK. You will be, too. Blessings, Luise

  148. K. August 24, 2012 at 9:28 am #

    Dear Luise,

    My boyfriend and I of 3 years just got engaged and but I’m starting to have doubts if this is the right relationship for me. We waited over a year to have sex,(both of us we virgins at the time), when we did start having sex it wasn’t like we had sex all the time or anything, but it was frequent enough. It probably stopped after about 7 months in tho and started becoming very sporadic, like once every 3 months, once every 6 months, to absolutely nothing. He doesn’t even want to spend the night with me anymore. Over the past year I’ve become very depressed about it. It has really taken a toll on my self confidence and self-esteem. I’ve spoken with him about this and his reasoning is that he wants our relationship to be “pure.” He comes from a strict religious upbringing. However it isn’t just sex, intimacy in general is non-existent in out relationship anymore. I don’t understand why this has become a problem now when this was never an issue for the first year and a half of our relationship. It wouldn’t be so much of a problem if I knew that after we got married that things would be different. But what if things don’t change? I don’t want to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. At the same time, he is my best friend, someone I can always depend on, and so much more to me. So should I just wait it out to see if things change and in the meantime focus on the good quality’s our relationship? Or should I give him somewhat of an ultimatum? thanks for your help! K.

    • Luise Volta August 26, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

      K – My take is move on. He is great best friend material. An ultimatum isn’t going to change him. He is how he is and you deserve so much better. You can’t force tenderness and touching and intimacey. Blessings, Luise

  149. R. November 4, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    I am 35 yrs old I am a proud mom of 3 boys and new grandmother of a beautiful baby girl, I have been living with my boyfriend almost 5 yrs been together a little over 5 years and i knew coming into this relationship that 1. he was a virgin (he was 38 when we started now he’s 43) and 2. he strongly wanted to wait for marriage. Although we are intimate in other ways meaning i pleasure his needs but not once has he even attempted to the same for me, sure maybe he doesn’t really know but trust me i’ve encouraged him to always communicate w/me. But every time i discuss these matters he says i know i know & everything will be alright. In the beginning that worked but after 5 years of feeling more and more inadequate like i can’t seem to be good enough or desirable enough that he’ll want me.I feel like now i’m trapped having my 2 youngest (8 & 10) develop a father son bond b/c their own was/is an alcoholic not in the picture. He’s a good man which is why i decided to have a relationship w/him, raising 2 boys that weren’t his all b/c his friend went to prison for like 30 yrs and had a pregnant girlfriend on their 2nd boy so he stepped in to play father figure which he remains to do so after 22 yrs. He never had a serious relationship b/c up til 8 yrs ago he took care of his dying mom he chose to put his life on hold then when she passed in 04 he said he was extremely lonely and when he felt he was on the verge of suicide from being alone he met me. He says that God gave me to him to save him. Sounds sweet but now i think he may have had his whole life to plan the right words but didn’t look at the bigger picture. I’m lost and oh i almost forgot that he used to call 800#’s and up until 2 and a half yrs ago when i looked at the cc statements i confronted him stating why in the world would he have to pay when the whole time he had me in his bed! Doesn’t make sense at all. R.

    • Luise Volta November 20, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

      R. No it doesn’t make sense and it probably never will. He has some serious issues that even he may not be aware of. You are, in a way, using each other but it doesn’t look to me like it is working for either of you. No one can save you but yourself. You deserve so much better. Blessings, Luise

  150. M. November 27, 2012 at 2:28 am #

    Im a 25 year old mom of three. This is my second marriage our relationship is great if i was looking at it as a room mate. I have had sex twice in the last 9 weeks and the last time i tried it was like pulling teeth. I go to bed early every night so i dont have to face eing denied it breaks my heart. We have talked i tried to get a book about fixing it he said he would work on it but thats where he left it. He hasnt made any attempts and im screaming in missery. I want to feel loved passionately. Ive tried to tell him id seek it from an alternative source i really need it but i think it would be harder for me to have sex without feelings when i have feelings for him and he just doesnt seem to care. Im starting to feel alone. I wake up every night in the middle of the night in disqust i dont even want to sleep beside the man that doesnt want to touch me… 🙁 i feel our relationship is strong but i dont see how it will pull us through. The passionate hugs and kisses are not there and i need them i want to feel secure … I want to be his world.. Not just his friend/roommate. M.

    • Luise Volta November 27, 2012 at 11:37 am #

      He may not admit it, but his actions have shown that what you have is a roommate. His problems are very evident as is his unwillingness to address them. Some women can accept no intimacy in a relationship but most can’t. What you want and need is normal and healthy. You deserve better and moving on is the only option that I know of. My take is that he is how he is and you’re how you are. Facing that fact can be terribly painful but denying it by seeing it as a “strong relationship” is unrealistic, it seems to me. It is how it is; lopsided, unhealthy and destructive. Blessings, Luise

  151. S. February 24, 2013 at 12:23 pm #

    I have been with my boyfriend 5 yrs now, two of which we had a fairly good sex life. He is currenty on pressure medication and it has affected his interest. In the last 3 years we have had sex once. I am going out of my mind I dont know what to do. I love him but can this relationship work, I feel so neglected sad and angry sometimes. I think I may need counselling. S.

    • Luise Volta March 3, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      We can love someone was can’t live with. Counseling might help you make a decision. You matter, too! Blessings, Luise

  152. R. May 4, 2013 at 5:50 pm #

    My boyfriend and I have not had sex in over 2 years. We have 3 kids and I don’t know what to do. I have become very depressed and bitter and I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am busy with the kids and try not to think about it but I am sick of being rejected and told all I have to do is this and that when I have tried everything. He finds excuses for everything. He would not have sex with me when I was pregnant with our daughter said he didn’t want to hurt the baby. We didn’t have sex for months and then when we finally did I got pregnant then again he wouldn’t touch me at all during the pregnancy. It has been over 2 years and before that a year and I am upset by this. I wish I could leave but we have 3 young kids and I can’t imagine what this would do to them. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on living like this where I feel like I am just so disgusting and ugly to him. He tells I’m beautiful and were soul mates but I just don’t buy it. I think he just thinks of me as a cook, maid and someone who takes care of our kids. I have become bitter, resentful and told him today we don’t even need to kiss anymore. That is all he will do is give me a peck when he is leaving somewhere or in the morning or after a good meal but it means nothing so I told him let’s not even do that anymore since he won’t have sex with me what is the point of a grandma kiss. I don’t know how to cope with this anymore I feel like I am crazy sometimes. R.

    • R. May 14, 2013 at 6:36 pm #

      I am 39 yrs old have 3 kids. I am at the end of my patience and not sure what to do. My boyfriend won’t have sex with me and it’s been almost 2 years. Over time it was because the kids or he was tired of I think he would pick a fight with me just so we wouldn’t have to “talk about it”. We have 3 kids and I am torn what to do because I don’t want them to end up with a weekend Dad. I find myself getting more and more depressed and it’s all I can think about when I go to bed which I find myself crying more and more. I am still the same size before I had kids and eat healthy and fix myself up but I find myself not wanting to do my hair or dress nice at all anymore, what’s the point. He tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me and were soulmates and he wants to marry me but I just don’t buy it. He will buy me these really sweet cards about how much he loves me but I am so confused. He tells me he wants to have sex but he has to get in the mind set. When I was pregnant with my 2nd he would only have sex with me a few times he said he didn’t want to hurt the baby then about 9 months later we finally had sex and I got pregnant. Again he wouldn’t have sex with me during pregnancy and after it was because he was too tired from being up with the baby all night. He is an amazing Dad and I am fortunate to be a full time Mom but I think all he thinks of me is a cook, housekeeper and just someone who takes care of the kids. I work so hard from morning til night without a break and I never ask for time for myself. I am so frustrated that I wish I could just have an affair so I could feel wanted but I can’t do that to my kids and I can’t even do that to him. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this I feel like I am going crazy and I have no self esteem anymore. I can’t believe I let this go on for so long but I don’t want to hurt the kids. I kept thinking things would change he kept telling me things will get better we’ll make time for each other but he doesn’t and he hasn’t. He works from home and I know he is not cheating on me he is a workaholic he loves working late at night instead of spending time with me. Any advice? I am desperate and tired of being alone. R.

      • Luise Volta May 16, 2013 at 7:14 pm #

        R. My guess is that he wants it the way it is and it suits him. It doesn’t suit you to have him be how he is. Leaving is going to cost you and staying is going to cost you. It’s is about accepting what you have and learning that it is his kind of love and validation…or leaving because it’s not enough. It isn’t going to change and it just is what it is. Blessings, Luise

        • S. May 21, 2013 at 11:43 am #

          I am in the same situation even down to the grandma kiss.
          I laid the ground by guessing that he has low testosterone, he said he went to doctor and got his cholesterol checked and has high cholesterol. The doctor gave him Viagra and he tried to hide it from me,but I am in a sexless relationship so I’ve driven myself nuts and being nosey I found them which hurt my feelings even more.
          Still he freezes when I even get close to him and I am so depressed. I love him he is the perfect man then again is he cheating and playing the perfect man?
          I’m getting closer to not wanting to feel like this anymore, when I’m out in public and guys come on me it makes me sad.
          If I could only tell the future.
          The only thing I can do is prevent from feeling like I do by leaving.
          My heart will be broke and it will hurt but my hearts broke and it hurts now.
          I’m stuck and he has the answer to being the perfect one. He eaither really has medical problem or cheating there goes the same two options. He shuts down when I try to talk about it, and then I want to believe its medical, then I get mad what about my feelings.
          I am finding that this is happening to men more now why? Are we being secretly being poisoned.
          It’s only up to us to choose our crazy fait.
          Good luck. S.S.

          • R. June 10, 2013 at 10:44 am #

            I can empathize completely. I would be upset if I found viagra but maybe he does have low testosterone. maybe that is a good sign that he is at least trying instead of giving up completely on sex. I don’t know your situation but if it this has been going on for a long time and he refuses to be intimate with you then maybe you should move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It’s hard when you love someone but it’s also hard to be with someone day in and day out when they just no desire at all. I have become so depressed and now seeking counseling. We have 3 kids so I don’t want to break up the family and end up having to split custody otherwise I would have left but I can’t bear to be apart from my kids they are all under the age of 10. I think you are deserving of someone who wants to be with you emotionally, physically It can affect your daily life.We are going on almost 3 years of no sex and it’s beyond frustrating I just hope you don’t have to suffer through something as long as that. I don’t even try anymore with my boyfriend I just turn over and go to sleep. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for you. R.

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