Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my partner for 12 years, and your going
to be shocked, because their has been no intimacy for most of that
time ,I can count on my hands the times it has happend. He provides
well, and is kind, and can be trusted. But over the years, I have had
huge doubts, I’ve found toys he uses for his backside, he had a toy
deliverd with a pad lock,and Viagra. I have confronted him and he said
he’s not gay, but I don’t know, I have found gay porn on a cd once ,
his computer is locked and phone so I can’t assess it. I’ve also found
nipple clamps etc. I just don’t know what to do, I feel uneasy now, I
feel he has not been honest form the start which really hurts. My
self esteem is very low, and I can’t leave ,because I’m financially
dependant on him. I have debts to pay off,and I’d be lost without my
car. I’m crying because I feel so trapped , and I just wish he could
be honest , when I ask him he just said he’s to tired , stressed,
but he loves me. He sais he just has the odd fetish . And ignores the
issue. I find this behaviour really bad I feel like I’m just he’s
cleaner and cook. Any advice ? H.
Answer: Dear H.: My guess is that this is going to boil down to how much you love the guy. I get endless questions from women who would give anything if they could say, “He provides well, is kind and can be trusted.” If your guy doesn’t feel used for being the provider…why should you feel used for cooking and cleaning? You are both contributing to the relationship. Twelve years is a long time. You are not living like roommates, roommates do not support each other financially or clean up after each other…each is fully responsible.
There is no perfect partner out there…and that’s lucky because who would they bond with? You and I aren’t perfect either. If you are going to stay, please give it everything you’ve got…don’t make it about money. That’s demeaning to both of you. And please stop the detective work, (a nice word for snooping), documentation, questioning and pressure. He may honestly think he has a fetish. For some, facing the issue or even acknowledging it, is just something they can’t do. Again, if you love him, don’t pursue it. He’s giving you his best…give him yours.
The other side of this coin is whether you derive your self-esteem from within yourself or externally. If you need sexual attention to feel of value, then you have already stayed too long. Only you can answer this question.
There are many tender, loving, lifelong, sexless relationships out there that are based on mutual respect and a deep, deep love. And there are many hot and heavy relationships out there that are abusive, unfulfilling and destructive. There are those that get it “right”…but even then, as the years go by, the sexual side my diminish and be replaced with affection that is more hugs and kisses than intimate. Love is a strange thing and it has many faces. Blessings, Luise