Question: Dear Luise: I have been dating the most wonderful man for 5.5 years but I’m not sure if I should agree to a sexless marriage where we also have no common interests. I will be 31 soon and I have owned my own business as well as holding another full time job on top of that for the past 7 years. I am ready to work less and start a family. He also started his own business a couple years ago, so I felt he deserved time to get established, too. But now we are ready to take the next step. We definitely love each other and have a very respectful, caring relationship. The problem is we have been together so long that we both feel we have lost our passion. Our sex life has become a real chore. We both socialize separately and have few hobbies because we both work so much. We live in his hometown yet I never see his family and friends. I constantly tell him how much this bothers me yet nothing changes. I want to marry him for so many reasons. He truly is the kindest man I know, so easy going and fun- loving. He never gets upset, is extremely hard working, and is very loving and superb with children. He honestly has made me a much calmer person and his personality brings out the best in mine. I know he would have wonderful things to say about me as well. Our respect is truly mutual yet our problems over the last 2 or 3 years are definitely holding us back. If things stay the way they are, I cannot imagine a life without sex or mutual friends and hobbies. NO thanks. Do I stay or do I go? Vanessa
Answer: Dear Vanessa. You answered your own question in the next to the last sentence above. You said “NO thanks.”
I’m not sure I would come up with the same decision, if it were my issue but it’s not. It’s yours. Have you considered going together to a counselor?
Sex does quiet down for many couples after a number of years, although I have seldom heard it described as a “chore”. That indeed sounds pretty sexless. And it is not uncommon for people to have different friends and hobbies. The issue is how the situation affects you. It sounds like it doesn’t bother your guy. It also sounds like it doesn’t bother him that it bothers you. Does his attitude feel “kind and respectful” to you? That’s how you describe him, yet you also say “I constantly tell him how much this bothers me yet nothing changes”.
A lot of women would kill for the positive qualities you describe in your partner. There are legions that have a higher quality of sex than
you describe…plus a lot more in common, but they don’t feel respected, acknowledged or cared for on any deep level. And many guys just aren’t good “dad-material”.
The truth is most of us don’t get everything we want in a partner and we aren’t everything the other person wants, either. It’s usually a pick and choose situation. Has exhaustion robbed your sexual expression of passion, i.e. energy? How about taking a closer look?
You feel very strongly that you do not like things they way they are which are, in part, sexless and separate. I can almost guarantee that they aren’t going to change automatically, or they would have. That leaves only three choices; fix it, accept the status quo or move on. Blessings, Luise