I’ve Been Secretly Supporting my Grown Son

Question: Dear Luise: I have been supporting my grown son for several years financially.  My husband,(my son’s stepfather) recently found out and was furious. He says he doesn’t want to be around my son any more. Our whole family is getting together for Thanksgiving and my son says he won’t come because he things there will be an argument and he doesn’t want trouble. This really hurts me. I told my husband and he didn’t respond.  What can I do? T.

Answer: Dear T. It seems to me that the fences needing to be mended are between you and your husband. Can you see that what you have been doing is deceitful? I know you had your reasons but that’s not the basic issue, betrayal is.

I have no idea why your grown son hasn’t supported himself. Nor do I know if you have money of your own to use in this manner or if it was joint funds that you tampered with. Whatever the circumstances, you weren’t up front about it and got caught.

Of course your son is uncomfortable now that this is all our in the open. And what did you expect your husband to say about your son backing off. Can you see beyond your hurt to theirs?

I see this first as a marital issue and secondly as something that may be enabling your son. I’d suggest that you look closely at both. You caused all of this, no matter how pure your motives were or how great the need

It may be a good idea for you to see a counselor to get some help with what you will be facing when you take responsibility for this impasse and start to work toward resolution and rebuilding trust. Blessings, Luise

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