How Can We Get this Relationship Back on Trac

Question: Dear Luise: I am turning 22 y.o. in a month, my gf is about to finish her first year as a 19 y.o. college student, shes in missourri, while im in new jersey, I met her when she was a senior in h.s. I had already finished my college years. Well this is the thing, before she had went off to college, I went with her to her senior prom, where I witnessed her grabbing some guy’s butt, and later that night grabbing his “inner-thigh” (as she says), right in front of me…. i didnt make a big deal, for I wouldn’t kill someones special night, but later that night in the hotel, i did let her know i saw her do that, her jaw dropped and thought nothing of it, So I asked if it was alright I grabbed her friends butt since it was nothing to her and she said yeah, so as I left to the door to do just that, she stopped and she cried and apologized… a few months later, a guy approaches her to talk and what not that she worked with, and supposedly made it clear that she had a boyfriend, and then she gives HER phone number out to a guy, and he called when she was with me, apparantly it wasnt strange at all to her, or like deceiving, until i had pointed it out and she started to cry and apologize…. well this is the thing, these thoughts and experiences with her haunt me all the time, and it takes a toll on the relationship. now out of no-where she wants to go to parties and what not, which i understand, but I cant help but remember those moments….. especially because when I met her, it was because she started kicking it to me, meanwhile she was going out with someone else. and supposedly loved him. she says she loves me, so how can i believe that shes not gona do the same thing again? How can I really trust someone who’s like this, and is going through college, Should I just tell her to call me in another 3 years when she graduates? J

Answer: Dear J. You don’t know if your girlfriend’s going to do the same thing again or not but the handwriting of predictability is right there on the wall in front of you. Her idea of being trustworthy isn’t very encouraging. From the very beginning, when she cheated on someone else to be with you, that’s been pretty clear.

What we often think, when someone cheats to be with us, is that the old relationship wasn’t a good one. Therefore, being unfaithful was probably OK. That’s because we think it will never happen with us. Can you see that entire mental process as rationalization? A person who cheats is a person who thinks cheating is acceptable. If caught, apologizing and crying work sometimes…how many times is up to you.

This girl may grow up to be a responsible adult. It has happened before but it often takes time. Even though you are older, you may also need to re-think your values if it looked OK to you to date someone who wasn’t available. In the meantime, cut her loose and hope for the best. That may mean she returns to you or it may not. It’s an unknown.

What you’re doing, now, isn’t working. That’s the only thing that’s for sure. Blessings, Luise

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