Relationship Advice Requested

Question: Dear Luise: Is it wrong to date a divorcing person? My family says it is, and that he’s still married. We want to be together. It feels right to us. Still, I feel awful about the problems it is causing with my family. I would appreciate your take on this. Thank you, Thea

Answer: Dear Thea: Your family probably fears for you. It may be their ethics or their concern that you are treading on the quicksand of caring about someone who is on the rebound…or both. They want you to slow down and wait it out. Unfortunately, that’s not what you want. Falling in love is often like setting an avalanche in motion, it’s pretty hard to change it’s course or reduce it’s speed.

Are your writing to me to obtain an ally? Do you want to be able to show your family something in writing that says what you’re doing is OK? If so, you must not be entirely convinced yourself. Talk with this man about the issue. Ask him if he can’t consider finishing what he started, before he starts what he can’t, at this time, finish. If you hook up with him, eventually, life will bring you many additional problems. It’s just like that. Why not start out on the right foot by creating a format for problem solving that will stand you in good stead in the years to come? If he doesn’t want to wait, beware. You know you’re worth waiting for, don’t you? Your family knows it, too. If he doesn’t, what does that indicate? Give this some serious thought. If you are a church-goer, talk with your pastor. Why not start with a clean slate? Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to Relationship Advice Requested

  1. W. July 6, 2009 at 1:12 am #

    So me and my boyfriend got into an argument about a month ago over something I thought was very pointless but I guess he got mad at me and we have been together for almost four years and been through EVERYTHING in our relationship…we have a son and have just recently started having a long distance relationship since I had to move back home but we have been trying to get on our feet so we can move in together but raising a baby alone is hard and I think he thought I was pressuring him or making him feel bad about not being here with us but I was just missing him and overwhelmed since this is my first child but we always seem to work things out after a fight because we are crazy about each other but I guess when we got into the argument I must have hurt his feelings (mine were hurt too but I got over it) but I have apologized many times through text, email, and voicemail and I had to actually call his mother (who doesn’t really like me that much) because I had tried for so long to get a hold of him to take care of a matter dealing with our baby but no answer so I really hope that didn’t make him more upset but at the same time I feel if we have a problem we should talk it out but he doesn’t really like expressing himself….anyways I miss him and love him and just want things to be back to normal and I know its because we are far away from each other….so do you think its over for good or he just needs some space? W.

    • Luise July 7, 2009 at 8:52 am #

      Dear W. You want things back to normal but it sounds like you haven’t had much “normal.”

      Distance can be a very tough thing. And if it’s full of fighting, there is no physical closeness to make up for it.

      It’s a guessing game to try to figure out what your guy is basing his silence on…teaching you a lesson…weariness…interest in someone else….none of the above?

      If you can’t go to him and sort this out, all you can do is wait. That may make things worse. Can you go and see him, just for a short while…to try to patch it up? If you do, and it works…pass on the long-distance fighting or you will be right back in this same place. Blessings, Luise

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