Question: Dear Luise: I need advice: I’ve been with my partner for 7 years now. We have 2 wonderful children together, have been living together for a good 5 1/2 years. We are engaged and planning a wedding. A month or so ago we mentioned how much nicer it would be to save more money to have a bigger wedding. But my opinion was that against the lifestyle we live we can’t afford to have a bigger wedding and its pretty hard for us to save money let alone for a big wedding… Anyway His brothers gf and I got together a few days ago and were talking about all the stuff his fam say about me, i’m not going to lie it hurt a lil but it was whatever, until she got to a subject about rushing my fiancé to marry me?? I was very shocked but curious why she asked that. She told me my fiancée’s mom told all of them (her and a few others in the room) that my had postponed the wedding we were planning but I cried to him to marry me!! Wow!! What in the world!! I jumped the gun and text my fiancé about our wedding being called off and went ballistic on him… I didn’t even let him explain… I said really hard things about his fam because I was very angry… The end result was it was all a misunderstanding and what he had told his mom was nothing like she blabbered out to everyone…. I apologized dearly to my fiancé and explained to him how I felt… He said I had to make things better with his family… I disagree, they were the cause of this big argument… He really sticks up for them and sometimes doesn’t see things my way unless I explain throw… But he understand how they feel without an explanation… It’s very frustrating!! I need time to think and our wedding is on pause… I’ve noticed I’ve been real cold and unemotional with him… Let alone hes ver affectionate and lovable… Why do I feel this way?? I know he’s the love of my life… And I’m absolutely in love w him!! R.
Answer: Dear R.: My take is that you have willingly become a victim of what I call the “he said/she said” syndrome. Instead of realizing that the family structure included gossip and circumventing it, you reacted and now you’re on the outside looking in.
You are not new to your partner’s clan. You’ve had seven years to learn how to keep the peace. You have no control over their personalities and habits or the way their family dynamics have formed over the years. You wrote: “Anyway, his brother’s girlfriend and I got together a few days ago and were talking about all the stuff his family says about me…” Big mistake, R. That’s about them, not you, until you make it about you by taking up arms instead of silently discounting it as useless garbage.
If your guy is unwilling to see anything except your lack of wisdom, which is pretty obvious, you have your work cut out for you. His family was not the cause of the “big argument,” you were, for listening to gossip and reacting to it the way you did. He has been with them much longer than he has been with you and is used to them. So, learn from this and let him know that you will do whatever you need to for peace to return. Then do it. If you want to marry, this has to be set aside so your mutual warmth and trust can return. Also, please come on over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com for support and an opportunity to learn and grow. Weddings aren’t the big issue, a successful marriage is. Blessings, Luise