Question: Dear Luise: I have been in a relationship for about 4 months now. i really love my boyfriend, and i am pretty darn sure he loves me. this is my third relationship, and this is his first. The only problem we have is his inexperience. He’s not spontaneous and he barely takes me out anywhere. i have faith that he will come around, but in the meantime i am now thinking about other guys and how they treat thier girlfriends and now im feeling jealous. this is a bad sign. i talked to him about my feelings and he understand and he apologized for making me go through this. My question is… what can we do to improve the relationship. He says he’s gonna try but i just wish he already knew what to do. My feelings for him are very strong and i am very patient. What can i do to stop thinking about other men, when my bofriend dont show me any kind of desire for me. even though i know he does love me. K.
Answer: Dear K.: Having strong feelings for someone and being ready to settle down are often two entirely different things.
You want your boyfriend to be different than he is and that’s just not going to work. If he knew what your thoughts were concerning other guys…he’d probably want you to be different than you are, too.
Some men are naturally more attentive than others. Some grow into it as they mature and some don’t. The truth is, it’s not something you can help him develop. Asking for attention and getting it because you asked for it takes away it’s value.
You have been together for a very short period of time and what you may be looking at is the evidence of some basic incompatibility. He may be lovable but he isn’t meeting your expectations. His job is to be himself, not a mirror image of what you think he should be. There isn’t a guy out there that is going to meet all of your expectations and visa versa. The issue is to compromise and adjust and find a place that is mutually comfortable.
It isn’t your boyfriend’s fault that you are thinking about other men. That’s all about you and it certainly isn’t a reflection of patience. You are finding out that he isn’t the guy for you, “as is”. And that’s what you have for now. It may never change because he may never change. It’s not his job to try to be any different.
I suggest that you create a friendship and pass on a relationship. Move on and wish each other well.