Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been in a relationship now for just over a year. I’m 21 and he’s 35. It’s not generally a problem, but there are drawbacks. He’s stable, loving and caring. But, he doesn’t have much of a sex drive. I’m young, and while I’m perfectly comfortable being in a stable, committed relationship, the lack of sex is killing me. Even though he says it’s nothing to do with me, I still feel like he’s not attracted to me. It’s hurting our otherwise great relationship because I want a family, with kids, and a partner who loves to be with me. It’s kind of hard to have kids if you don’t have sex. It’s making me snappy and grumpy at him for little things. How can I express to him that I need a physical relationship that is as good as our spiritual and mental relationship? J.
Answer: Dear J.: Number 1: He already knows what you need. And Number 2: You want him to be different than he is and that’s just not going to happen. Let’s start by clarifying those two issues.
It’s very hard to get that it’s his problem. I’m sure it must feel like it’s your job to figure out what to do to alleviate it. Not so.
This situation is much more common than most of us realize. My site contains many letters from both men and women bemoaning the sexless state while in an otherwise ideal, committed relationship.
If your guy wanted to change, he would have addressed this on his own. He seems to have decided to just live with it and that means you get to live with it, too. Unfortunately, the feelings you have described pretty much indicate that you can’t do that comfortably. Staying is going to be too painful for you, isn’t it?
We all have hang-ups and short suits. When we pick a mate, the best we can do is to find some degree of compatibility regarding our personal preferences on as many levels as possible. Each one of us has his/her own list of priorities. It sounds like a normal, healthy sex life is pretty high up on your list. If so, it’s time to move on. You might be doing him a favor if the guy needs an ice-maiden. Blessings, Luise