We Haven’t Had Sex for a Year

Question: Dear Luise: I have been with my partner for 5 years. We have been through a lot in our relationship. My partner is very loving and caring. I know that he absolutely adores me and he always tells me how attractive I am. However in the last 3 years we probably only had sex 3 or 4 times. When we go to bed we snuggle up and cuddle but there is no sexual activity. I have mentioned this to him a few times and he says its because he has just started a new business and he is stressed out and assures me that its not me. I didn’t mind so much when we initially stopped having sex but after speaking to my friends, I realized that it’s not normal. The last time we had sex was a year ago and I am not even sure if men can go for that long. Please help me. A.

Answer: Dear A.: What is going on with your guy may be “normal” for him. It’s obvious that his excuses are meant to explain away his preferences, because it’s got to be a preference, right? Otherwise he’d be communicating about it and working on resolving it. Either that or he thinks it’s hopeless. You need to know where he’s coming from. Fatigue from working too hard doesn’t cut it. Certainly not for years!

It’s always a pretty unsound idea to discuss it with your friends. They’ve made it worse, haven’t they?

You can force a conversation about staying or going. Not as a threat or a demand but as an open discussion about how you feel and what you need. I doubt if he can be any other way, and if you can’t…what’s the point? Also you have to be ready for whatever transpires when you address it.

There are women out there who are not that interested in sex and who want the kind of guy you have but that doesn’t help much either, if you aren’t one of them. All I can recommend is communication. A year is a long, long time and I think that not talking about it, sorting it out and coming to an agreement or a parting of the ways is unhealthy for both of you. Blessings, Luise

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