Question: Dear Luise: My problem is this. My daughter has been with the same man for 10 years now. Things have reached a critical point, he has been using drugs for most his life. Now he has had affair and my daughter keeps believiing everything he says. She left him recently and spent the weekend here with me, but has returned to him.My heart is broken because he continues to emotionaly abuse her .I have my own set of problems and suffer from bipolar and am exhaugsted! Would it be wrong of me to end my relationship with the man and just deal with my daughter and kids! Please I ask you this as I really have no one else to turn to. Any input is greatly apprieciated! K.
Answer: Dear K.: First we need to get you into a community so you have others to talk with. I have created a Web-forum for women who have issues with their adult children. Go to: www.WiseWomenUnite.com and post there to get feedback and understanding.
My take on what you are up against, and this is probably going to be very hard for you to do, is to back off and get that your daughter needs to make her own choices and learn her own lessons. This is not your problem. You care, that’s a given, but you are not involved. She is in a relationship and she needs to deal with it on her own. You can’t interact effectively with her by excluding the man she is with. He is part of her life whether you like it or not until she decides to leave permanently.
We all want the best for our “children” after they leave home but they are no longer children. They are creating separate family units and making their own rules. The truth is that they have to face the consequences of their mistakes.
You need to take care of yourself. That’s not being selfish…it’s necessary, so you can deal with your own issues, choices and consequences. Your path is yours. You daughter’s path, since she left home, is hers. Blessings, Luise