Question: Dear Luise: My husband committed suicide feb. of 2013. We had our ups and downs, we were actually seperated at the time. So I dealt with feelings of guilt. But anyway, I have met someone and mom is trying to stop it. She says I have stopped spending time with her. One thing I neglected to say is my dad passed away , it will be three years jan 2014. I have stopped spending so much time with her but here is the problem. it’s football season I watch football on saturdays. it’s winter here in al. I hybernate in the winter time. and yes my friend is there but it’s not his fault it’s cold and football season (:0) now she’s mad and tells me the ball is in my court. she comes up with something about twice a year I have to apologize for and I’m sick of it. I apologize when I haven’t done anything just to make her happy. I can’t get her to see things the way they actually are. its her way or no way. HELP WHAT DO I DO btw I’m 48 was married for 23 years in a abusive relationship and I have met someone nice but I’m not in or want to be in a serious relationship it’s too just I’m just enjoying talking and spending time with him. Thanks, R.
Answer: Dear R.: My take is that your mom needs to get a life and not try to make you responsible for her happiness. You are continuing to take abuse if you apologize for something you didn’t do. Not healthy!
I am 86 years old and lost my spouse ten months ago. That is for me to deal with. I can only speak from experience. Yes, I love it that my son and extended family care and that they email and show up to take me out to eat. However, I don’t expect/demand it or feel lost without it…any obligation would take all the fun out of it.
You may have to be blunt and tell your mom that you respect her position but don’t agree with it. You’re an adult. You get to make your own decisions and follow your own preferences. It’s her job to respect that! Blessings, Luise