Question: Dear Luise: My grown son hates me. I was a single mom working 2/3 jobs to give him everything he wanted and to live in a safe neighborhood. No child support. At 14 I had to send him to live with his father and his wife and half brothers and sisters due to a layoff and operation I had to have and I went into a deep spiral of guilt over this and have never fully recovered. I suffered a stroke 2 months before his wedding and he would not speak to me as if I was not there. I had been out of the hospital a week. He barred me from pre wedding time with him preferring to spend it w/his father and stepmother. I have major memory loss and other problems from my stroke but he thinks they are nothing or I am exaggerating. He always reminds me that he failed and had to make up a test class for his Master’s because I was in ICU and he HAD to STAY. He has since had a baby and I try and try but it is ever good enough. I call and he does not return my calls or emails. I recently had an emergency GB removal and heard him on the phone with my DIL saying that I was still not taken in to surgery yet just laying there crying. He did not even stay for me to get out of recovery. I feel if I died he would not even know I was gone. I did every I could for him growing up and I know he is still upset that I sent him to live with his father even though he was all for it when it happened. L.
Answer: Dear L. We can do our best and that’s it. There are a lot of factors involved and many of them you have no control over.
If your son were just a friend of yours, you would probably have gone your own way long ago. My take is that it’s time to do that now. He is using you as an excuse for not stepping up to the plate of adulthood. Blaming is about denial of responsibility.
A sense of entitlement can get in the way of growing up. It supports continued immaturity. That’s you son’s choice and you are in no way responsible for it. Some kids who are “given everything” are forever grateful.
My suggestion is that you let go and start putting your life back together. See your health as your priority. It doesn’t serve you to get stuck in the whys and wherefores. This is the path your son has chosen. He can’t have his history both ways…fine with going to live with his dad and then blaming you for it. However, he’s trying.
Come on over to my Web-forum: www.wisewomenunite.com where your will be treated with respect. You deserve a lot better than what you are getting. Blessings, Luise