My Mom Has Betrayed Me

Question: Dear Luise: I have an issue that is really upsetting me and I hope that maybe you can help me.  My mother and I are very close; she is my best friend. Or at least that’s what I thought.  I talk to her about everything and lay my darkest person fears at her fee; mostly being that I am a failure as a parent.  I suffer from PTSD that has caused depression and anxiety and at times I am short with my children.  I never get physical with them or anything like that but sometimes i am not “there” emotionally for them.  This is something I am working on a lot.  My mother always tells me how great I am doing and what a wonderful mom I am. I just found out (via a forwarded email I wasn’t supposed to ever see) that she talks about me to other people.  About how bad of a mom I am … her actual words were that my kids “live a dogs life” I AM DEVESTATED!  I trusted her and I thought of her as my best friend.  I don’t even know what she mean s by that but its killing me that she thinks that way, lies to me about it, and then talks to others about it.  What should I do?  Should I confront her?  She has no idea I know what she has said.  PLEASE…I NEED ADVICE! A.

Answer: Dear A.: Good for you for trying to think this through without reacting unwisely. What would you do if your best friend wasn’t your mother? Show her the email and ask for a direct communication from her? If you let this go, you will have to find a way to get past it on your own. Can you?

There are all kinds of abuse and it doesn’t have to be physical to do serious damage. This may weigh heavily on your mother. She may want to encourage you while at the same time it may be more than she can stand to hear and see. We are all short with our kids once in a while…but she may feel it goes beyond that.

Your mother may be trying very hard to support you and at the same time, she may need to have someone know how difficult it is at times. Do you see how that could be?

Can you go to her with compassion and ask for a more honest approach to this very difficult situation and he conflicted feelings? Most of us say things to others about people we know that we wouldn’t necessarily say to them one-on-one. It’s not a good trait but it’s pretty common. If you have never done it, you are the exception. Your mother is human and may need to be given room to be less than perfect.

If it feels like it would help, talk to a counselor about this and get some support for yourself. You might both profit from going together. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to My Mom Has Betrayed Me

  1. B. December 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm #

    Where do I begin?
    I am 40 years old and the pain, hurt, rejection, and betrayal never left my broken heart.
    This year my father died and I begged I BEGGED her not to have my molester cousin a pallbearer~but she said “WHAT I AM SUPPOSE TO TELL MY SISTER WHEN SHE ASKS ME WHY HER SON ISN’T A PALLBEARER~THIS HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO!”
    I felt like I was 14 again telling her what the animal did to me~and she says “OH HE WAS JUST KIDDING~OH HE WAS ON DRUGS~ARE YOU SURE HE DID THIS TO YOU?”
    Never was spoken about again.
    Just the other day my friend of 35 years said to me “I DON’T THINK I EVER SEEN YOU HAPPY”
    You see it’s not just the molestation, it was also the beatings I use to get from my brothers.
    For some twisted way of thinking she thought it was OK to have my brothers rule over me.
    For pete sake my father was alive and present~what was she thinking allowing them to be my “other parents?”
    You really wanna know what is crazy? Every once and a while my aunts, uncles, and cousins remember and talk about my beatings.
    Excuse my language but WTH!?
    If this isn’t enough~my in~laws I kid you not they from another planet.
    I have a husband who refuses to deal and defend me with the rudeness and disrepect that his family gives me.
    20 years later and on your death bed you tell me this!
    I claimed CHRIST as my LORD and SAVIOR in April ’04.
    Had a heart to heart with my Ma~I use to practice when I was little in front of the mirror what I would say to her and that day came in May ’04.
    In Feb ’07 I told my Father what my cousin did to me with tears running down his face he said “IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN I WOULD HAVE KILLED THE BASTARD” and Jan ’09 had a heart to heart with my brother and all he could do was cry.
    What’s the matter with my Ma? Doesn’t she see me as her only daughter? The only daughter she gave birth to?
    This is just the tip of the iceberg~I really didn’t go into a lot of detail.
    If you are a praying person please pray to JESUS that HE may give me peace.
    Thanks for reading thanks for praying. B.

    • Luise December 18, 2010 at 7:34 pm #

      It doesn’t sound to me like you are going to get through to her. Others have listened and care…but she refuses. Talk with your minister about about forgiveness. Your mother is terribly lacking and yet that may be what he wants you to do is to get that she is how she is and you need to move on. Pray with your minister for a healing within you, even if it never happens to her.

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