Question: Dear Luise: I had no idea there were so many other people having the same problems I am having until I searched and found you. My oldest daughters (married 23 3 kids) decided that I have been abusive to her verbally, and I also had a stint with drugs and alcohol after my husband Mark died suddenly of a heart attack at 17. My oldest daughters father committed suicide before she was a year old. As a single mother off and on, I have done the best I could with the three kids I have. I have felt like I was going crazy the last couple years, off the drugs but still drinking alot because I didnt know what was wrong with e and felt I was going crazy. I have recently been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, and my daughter refuses to try to make amends or even speak to me, I have 3 grandkids I love very much, but she never felt I spent enough time with them. I always didnt feel good or was tired, but did the best I could. I now know why I was tired and sick. I know I have made mistakes but never to hurt my kids, i only hurt myself, my kids never went without anything, and the oldest especially got everything and anything she ever wanted due to me trying to make up for father and mother. We were very very close until one day she just turned into someone else. The other Grandmother is just happy as can be because she gets to spend as much time with the gkids as she wants. The only other reason my daughter says she is upset with me is because I gave my mothers wedding rings to my middle daughter after I said i would give them to my oldst Granddaughter, in which I made my middle daughter promise to make sure someday they go to her. My middle daughter let me plan her wedding, while my oldest pretty much threw me out of everything except atttending. This was not long after I lost my husband. So I had the oldest fly the coop, then his death, and I fell apart for quite a while, I finally found a wonderful psych and got on the right meds. I keep apologizing, and begging. Finally yesterday, after we talked for a bit because some ladies at my VFW Aux I belong to decided to send her a letter, someone facebooked me and told they they had been hoping for this to happen and hope I get right with God so I dont wind up in hell where I belong. I dont know who it was. Then they deleted it, so i got it, but noone else seen it. I guess the biggest question is, how do I go about repairing things I am not even sure have upset her or made her mad. I have done evering she has asked, got rid of my boyfriend, quit drinking, dont take anything unless its prescribed, tried to get closer to God. Help???? My heart is broken. C.
Answer: Dear C.: There is no way you can change another person. You can change yourself and you have… but/and how others behave is all about them, not you.
You are fighting a serious disease…associate with those who love and support you and let go of those that don’t, no matter how much you miss them. Your life may depend on it.
You have done your best every inch of the way against greats odds. No it hasn’t been easy for those around you. And yes, you wish it had been different…but that’s in the past. You can’t let this stress you out and take the energy you need to recover. Concentrate on the present and love yourself through this. You deserve so much better but the only person that can give it to you…is you. Blessings, Luise