Question: Dear Luise: I wrote you almost 2 years ago telling you that my son hates me and thinks I am a terrible mother. Since then, things couldn’t be worse. You were so right on in your advice. I am not allowed to see my grandchildren or send gifts or cards. My youngest daughter has followed suit and ripped my other grandson out of my life too. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for months. I could no longer take the pain and I moved 300 miles away. The day before I moved, my oldest daughter answered my phone call. She was angry for so long because her and her husband were living with us and things were not going well, so my husband asked them to find another place to live. We talked, we both cried and she agreed to let me see her and my 4 grandchildren before I left. I was so happy, and my daughter, grandchildren and I have some contact. My son and youngest daughter are trying to get her to go with them to get a restraining order against me. I was so hurt when I heard that and I don’t understand why, or how they could when I have no contact with them (their wishes, not mine). I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop my tears. My heart is broken. I have tried so hard to repair the relationship with my 2 children. I Don’t understand, I never will understand how your own children can ‘Hate’ the person that loved them, fed them, cared for them. Sometimes I find it hard to go on hurting so badly. I have been to counseling. It doesn’t take away my heartache. Please help me know where to go from here. How can I not want to try again and again? I have never endured such pain accept for the death of my first born at 6 months old. It’s like they died and I am grieving my 2 adult children and 3 grandchildren Instead of one child. D.
Answer: Dear D.: Good to hear from you again but of course I wish you had better news.
I know that suggesting that you learn to live without your kids and grand kids is like suggesting you cut off your arms and legs and then have a normal life. Yet, what are your other choices? You can’t change other people, the realities they create or the dynamics they set up.
Counseling is usually better than nothing. No, it doesn’t remove the heartbreak but you are heard and understood and that can support healing.
I suggest you come over to my Web-Forum, http://www.motherinlawsunite.com to further share what you are going through. It’s a new site that I set up for open discussion on these issues. We have to go on…whether we like it or not and for some of us, it helps to find a supportive community. Blessings, Luise