My Adult Daughter

Question: Dear Luise: I left my ex husband when my daughter was 8 yrs old . All was not bad till she turned 19 then she met a fellow online , he wanted to move her 8 hours away and she was willing to go . I picked up everything and moved with her since then she has been with a few men and every time it is the same , she lies telling people I am aterrible person snd allows these men to verbally abuse me then whenher relationship ends she comes back and somehow I end up alone insome place I don’t want to be and totally broke ,I have given everything for her , I was willing to die for her yet she hurts me all the time . Her choices in men are terrible and now it has happened again , she left here and I have no idea where she is , she has lied about me taking money from her and yet I have given her everything possible , why does she do this ? it is so terrible she has even turned MY family against me , is there any reason for a daughter to do this kind of thing . I am sorry I sound disjointed but I am just confused , please help me . G.

Answer: Dear G.: I am going to ask you to come over to my other Website with your issues. I feel you would benefit from the support of a community, not just my input. I will be there, too.

My take is that you were probably wise to accompany your daughter on her first misadventure. Beyond that, it looks like a pattern has been established and you may have accepted abuse as part of your life. That doesn’t help either of you. You matter. Your adult daughter is making choices and it’s time she is left to deal with the consequences. It’s her path of learning (or not) and it’s strictly her business. What you do with the rest of your life is your business.

You did your best and your job is done. Trying to parent an adult is a lost cause from my point of view. You were a whole person before you became a parent and you can be whole again. The “whys” of your daughter’s behavior are unanswerable. Don’t look for logic where there is none. If she has turned others against you, that’s unfortunate and it doesn’t have to define you. You still have a life. It’s a priceless gift. Blessings, Luise


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