I Can’t Cope With My Mother’s Death

Question: Dear Luise: I’m having a terrible time over my mother’s death. She passed very recently and I thought I was ready. She was almost 96, and really wanted to go. She was terribly weak, couldn’t think clearly or talk well, and was generally pretty much out of it and miserable. She wanted to stay home, so we got a caretaker to stay with her. The three of us that lived nearby took turns on the weekends, while the caregiver had some much-needed time off. I’m a nurse and I thought I was pretty well-informed and realistic about where Mom was and what she was going through. I told her we were ready to let her go and I really hoped and prayed for it on a daily basis. Then, when it happened just the way we’d hoped, in her sleep, I fell apart. I’m still not doing well. I carry a tissue everywhere because I just keep spilling over. What’s wrong with me that I’m not able to cope with this? Saundra

Answer: Dear Saundra: Nothing is wrong with you. This has probably been a long, and very difficult time and you’re worn out both physically and emotionally. At the moment, you don’t have the resilience and energy you wish you did. Those weekends at your Mom’s were probably harder on you than you realized and the weeks in between, while you were waiting in dread for the phone call that eventually came, took their tool as well.

It doesn’t seem like a blessing right now, but your ability to feel awful and have your feelings right up on the surface will get you through this much faster than if you were able to produce a smooth cover-up and look good. If you haven’t had a memorial service for your mother yet, know that that may give you some relief as well. Your nursing background, along with your willingness to see your mother’s life as complete, will stand you in good stead in the months to come, so mentally you sound like you are on solid footing The part of you that has you feeling like you are down for the count at the moment is a combination of fatigue, overwhelm and the very obvious loss of someone who has been a constant in your life, always. You can’t anticipate how that is going to feel. Knowing she was going to leave, and experiencing her leaving are two different things. Be extra kind to yourself while the parts of you that can cope help the parts that can’t. Work less, if possible, eat carefully and keep you fluids high. Rest more and if you can’t sleep for longer periods of time, at least give yourself more quiet, alone time. Concentrate on an exquisite level of self-care. You’ve been through the mill and it’s not over yet, for you. You have just entered the healing process, so be aware of that fact and compensate wherever you can. Blessings, Luise

114 Responses to I Can’t Cope With My Mother’s Death

  1. yvonne February 11, 2008 at 1:48 pm #

    I lost my mum in august 2005. She had cancer. I live in South Yorkshire and didn’t have a car at the time to go and see her when I wanted to. I feel that I didn’t do enough to help out with her care. She was not only my Mum but my best friend as well. I just can’t accept that she is no longer with me. I miss her so much and there are times I just sit and think about her and cry. I was laying with her when she passed away which I am glad I was but life just doesn’t feel the same anymore, now she has gone. I miss her so much. It hurts me. Y.

  2. Luise February 12, 2008 at 6:07 pm #

    Dear Y. Your loss will never go away but it will slowly change. We have no idea, none of us, how to do life without our mothers. They were always “there for us.” And not one of us thinks we did all we should have done or could have done. We don’t understand death, aren’t ready for it to separate us from our loved ones and have no real sense that we will follow in our parent’s footsteps. Get a notebook and write to her…if you are willing. Let yourself write answers back from her. There is no reason you can’t have a different kind of relationship with her if you are willing to create one. And she was very lucky to have you as a daughter and with her as she passed over. What a gift! Blessings, Luise

  3. G May 5, 2008 at 5:13 am #

    Hi Luise
    My mom recently passed away, and I am having difficulty coping with the lost. She suffered with her heart for 10 years, but I felt she would have lasted a little longer because she was strong. She called me hours before she died and I prepared a meal she requested. I knew she was having a heart attack and made efforts to take her to the hospital. However, she managed to convince me that she felt better. She passed in her sleep three hours after. I cry constantly because I believe if I had taken her to the hospital she would have been saved. How can I get over this guilt considering I was always the one to insist on her seeking medical attention. G.

  4. Luise May 5, 2008 at 3:48 pm #

    Answer: Dear G. It is my guess that your mother got to have it the way she wanted it. You honored her request. It was her decision. She may have been really tired out from her long-term condition and ready to move on. It is pricelss to be heard and respected. Blessings, Luise

  5. J. August 28, 2008 at 6:32 pm #

    Hi Luise
    I am 15 years old, and my mother died 30th of January 2008 of cancer…I was 14 at the time. I miss her so much and I am having a hard time coping with it, I dont show any signs of grief or anything although I do want to cry often, but i am afraid that when I cry that I wont be strong for my father and brother. I hav a lot of mood swings lately and I sometimes dont know how to control it. How can I let out my anger and pain inside of me, Is there another way other than crying? J.

  6. Luise August 28, 2008 at 8:03 pm #

    Dear J. I don’t know if you like to write or not. I do, (obviously,) and that’s what helped me when my grown son died. I did two things. First, I put my anguish and despair and anger down on paper. I just poured it all out and when I felt it again, I did it again…for a long time. And secondly, I wrote to him and then I wrote back to me from him. It was wonderful! It isn’t good to keep grief inside but I agree with you that it isn’t always good to let it all hang out when it makes it harder on those around us. Blessings, Luise

  7. K. December 6, 2008 at 12:30 am #

    Hey everyone! My mom pasted on my birthday, (JANUARY 29, 07), and it was very unexpected. I cry a lot and sometime I don’t know if I am coming or going. My mother was always my best friend. We always talked and now I have no one. I am the youngest of all her kids. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t understand what happened. The pain I have is still unbearable. Help me please someone. K.

    • T. August 27, 2012 at 1:32 am #

      Dear K. my mom died two and a half years ago from a stroke, and it feels it was yesterday, i live with a guilt and remorse everyday of my life, theres not a day that goes by that i dont cry, i even started drinking and smoking. I know that hurting myself wont bring her back, but it feels like a punishment i deserve. My mothers death was unexpected, even thou she was showing signs of been sick i was too busy to notice and didnt help her. I know exactly what you are going through and i have nobody else in my life, because my father got remarried and just forgot about me a year ago. My mom (i called her by her givn name and it another regret i most live with) was 57 when she died, i missed her terrible, i cant even describe my pain, but life most go on until we meet again and thats what keeps me going! the thought of it, that GOD WILL ALLOW ME TO SEE MY MOM AGAIN and tell her IM SORRY. T.

      • Luise Volta August 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm #

        T and K – I posted this today:
        If you ever meet someone who says they are complete with a loved one who passed on and feels he/she did a great job…you will be looking a liar in the face. We are all human and fallible and none of us did it perfectly. We are all racked with guilt and regret and we just have to get through it the best we can. I am 86 and I have lost so many dear ones that I have had to get that I did my best however that looked moment to moment. I couldn’t live with myself otherwise.

        I don’t know if it will help you or not but I am absolutely certain that those I have loved that have passed away…loved me, too, and knew my heart was in the right place. We all multi-task…we all have limits and priorities and we can all become overwhelmed. I don’t think it’s about them not forgiving us…I think we need to forgive ourselves. If we were meant to be perfect, we would have been made that way. No one is. Blessings, Luise

  8. Luise December 6, 2008 at 8:00 am #

    Dear K. When this happens, we are alone with it. That’s the hardest part. Most of us aren’t brought up to accept that death happens to everyone and unless they precede their mother in death, each one of us is going to lose our mother. We are not taught that death is natural, normal and inevitable. Death isn’t understood. How can it be. Like life…it’s a mystery. We are meant to go on…move through grief, find new best friends and focus on living. How do we do that? I don’t know. Loss is real and it is terrible. Some never recover and that’s a high price to pay for love. We are part of a parade in which there is a beginning, a middle and an end for each participant. We join it when we are born and we leave it when we die. No one, absolutely no one, stays. Fighting the master plan, anguishing over it takes energy and we never win. That’s the way it is. Why not move, when you can, into gratitude. Why not start a gratitude list and dedicate it to your mother. Keep going over it night before you go to bed and keep adding to it. Your mother gave you life as her mother gave her life. Celebrate your lovely relationship in gratitude and joy. Blessings, Luise

  9. O. December 17, 2009 at 8:10 pm #

    Dear K. I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my mom two weeks ago. I was with her when she passed. It is the most horrible thing I have ever gone through. I have no brothers or sisters to help me through this. Friends tell me it will get better. I sure hope so. Please know I am going through the same.

  10. samia January 17, 2010 at 12:50 pm #

    my father died last month i love him more than anyone on earth. he was my friend and advisor he was my protection. i feel alone and helpless. life is going on but i dont know for how long. i cry alot and feel guilty my life is running in its path whike he is not with me. i am eating and he is not. is he in hell or heaven. i kiss his coushion and hug it but he is not there. God give me patience. shall i live it i am old how shall years pass

    • Luise January 18, 2010 at 11:36 am #

      I know that when I lost my dad, I no longer felt whole. He was part of me. That was a long time ago and my wholeness eventually returned. Beyond that, I feel like he is again a part of me. All I can share is my own experience. I’m now in my eighties and know that my son is going to have a tough time when our partnership here ends with my death. It’s the Master Design. We don’t have to like it and we can fight it, but in the end there is no other way except acceptance. Most of us believe that our afterlife will be a reflection of how we lived our lives. If there is any truth in that, your father was a deeply loving man and is reaping the rewards of that. Blessings, Luise

  11. T. January 25, 2010 at 7:11 pm #

    I just lost my mother on 1/11/10. I thought I was okay but I am finding that I am not as I am trying to pack her things away and clean up her room as she lived with me and my family for the past 3-1/2 years. I was her caregiver as I work out of the house. For the last 6 months, she depended upon me for almost everything. She couldnt get around very well. The last 2 months she was very sick and I didnt realize that this was coming. The last 2 weeks of her life we kept a baby monitor in her room and mine so that when she needed me during the night I would hear her. The weekend before she passed, was extremely difficult for both of us. That Monday 1/11/10 when I called the ambulance, I thought she would just get rehydrated, some nebulizer breathing treatments and come home…9 hours later she passed. I was there with her when she passed and I am ok with that, she was in no pain. I knew God was in the room when she took her last breath as there was such a beatiful glow on her face and any wrinkle she might have had (as she was 73) was completely erased. I had never seen anything so awesome in my life and there is no doubt in my mind that she is with God. I guess it is selfish but I just miss her presence in the house, her smell, her complaints, even her needing me. I wait for her to call me name. And with going through her things, is bringing up so many memories of my childhood and the love that my mother gave to me. I miss her so much..my mother, my best friend, may you rest in peace. Love Tree

    • Luise January 26, 2010 at 6:55 am #

      What a beautiful post. There is just no way to go through loss and not experience it as excruciating…at least at times. What is going to get you through is your experience of her leaving…how ready she was and how blessed.

    • M. February 2, 2012 at 7:25 pm #

      Tree, your experience of losing your mother is almost identitcal to mine a year after yours. She just passed on 1/30/12 after picking up a cold that quickly turned to pneumonia. Like you I initially thought that she needed a nebulizer, oxygen and antibiotics, but three days later she died. My sister and I were there to hold her hand and watch her pass away so peacefully and in no pain. My grief is overwhelming as she was the centre of my world and I would have done anything to have taken her illness away from her. Even as adults when the world becomes too much for us,our mothers are there to comfort and advise us and I miss her as my best friend, my greatest fan and the love of my life. I know that nothing will ever be the same again. My sister and I now need to discover a different way to live, as live is what she would have wanted us to do, whilst keeping her close in our hearts. M.

  12. Linda Davis January 26, 2010 at 10:39 am #

    I don’t know whats wrong with me other than my heart is broken. Why didn’t I get there sooner? What took me so long? Why? Why? I have so many questions. Why wasn’t I there? Even though in my heart of hearts I know that my sister was meant to be with her to hold her hand, to be there in the end. But I cannot accept it. Where did she go? I wish I would have talked to her more, but she didn’t like to talk about certain things like when my brother died who was 2 week short of his 1st birthday, or when my father died, who died way to young, or when my other brother died at 45. why didn’t we talk about it? How did she even get out of bed with all the sadness she endured? Maybe now she has found the peace she so desperately deserved. I so hope she found peace, I hope she is with her beloved boys. I hope that God held her hand when she crossed, because she had such strong faith. I have never in my life met anyone with stronger faith than she had. Is she at peace, did God hold her hand? I am so broken hearted where did she go. I loved her so much more than I ever knew. Did she know it? Did she? I miss you Mom. I hope God has granted you the forgiveness that you thought you needed (not that you did) and I hope that you are sleeping in peace. I will never forget you and I pray for you every day. Don’t forget the feathers. I am forever your daughter and you are forever my Mom even if your not here, I hope you are somewhere close by because I need you now more than ever. All my love, L.

    • Luise January 27, 2010 at 9:43 am #

      I honestly believe that your love makes a huge difference. Blessings, Luise

  13. H. February 22, 2010 at 2:24 pm #

    I lost my mum on 20/05/1998 to a brain Hemorrhage.I was only 7 at the time ill never forget that day.I had my hair done.Mum and her best friend l went to a slimming world class.Then my mum,dad,little sister,me and then family went to the pub we were outside one minute everything was fine we were playing while the adults were sitting down gossiping i turned away and then i turned back and she collapsed the paramedics arrived but it was too late.After that day the whole family fell apart my grandad her dad tryed killing himself,my dad met someone else 1 week after she died,started abusing me so i had to be adopted by my aunte and uncle.I had lost my mummy we did everything together ill never forget her.I tried killing myself back in 2008. I am alot better now.The only thing that upsets me nobody talks about her anymore its like they have forgot i seem to brake down all the time knowing that she is never going to see me grow up,see her grandchildren(when i eventually have them) meet my boyfriend.She was a good person she went to church every week she dyed when she was 26 why does god take good people?

    • Luise February 24, 2010 at 9:55 am #

      The only thing I found that help me when my son died was the book: When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S. Kushner. I hope it helps you, too. Blessings, Luise

  14. J. May 3, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    I lost my mother this year, January 22, 2010, to complications from a stroke she had on January 7, 2010. She was recovering really well from the stroke, but on the 17th she developed Acute Mesenteric Ischemia. By the time the doctors found it, it was too late. There was absolutely nothing to be done. The last day I talked with her was on the 18th. During the night she went in to respiratory failure and was placed on life support. The hardest thing that I have ever done in my life was letting them remove her from life support on the 21st. She lived 26 hours. I was with her, holding her hand and telling her softly over and over that I loved her when she passed. I have not dealt well with this at all. I feel empty, alone, and guilty. I know in reality that we all die. It is a part of life. I have no brothers or sisters, I am 48 years old. My mother and I always depended on each other for everything. She lived with me and my husband and our 2 children. I closed the door to her room, and it is still the same as it was on January 7th when I called the ambulance for her. I pray to God every day to give me strength and guidance. I am thankful for finding this site, to know that there are others who are hurting as much as I am. My prayers are with all of you. Please pray for me also. J.

    • Luise May 6, 2010 at 6:20 pm #

      Knowing how normal it is and getting through it are two different things…at least for me. My husband is 98 1/2 and in a nursing home but I am no way ready to part with him. How can we be? Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. My belief is that those who deal with death smoothly and well are the ones who have the real problem.

  15. C. May 25, 2010 at 5:11 pm #

    My Mom just passed away, May 13. I was visiting and by the grace of God I got to see her, but then she passed after I got home. I feel so frozen. I had a few meltdowns before she died when we had to talk about taking her off the resperator. I’m so worried about my Dad. They were soulmates and I don’t know what to say to him. My heart aches for him as much as my Mom. She was 82. I’m working on my Advance Directives so my two sons don’t have to make any decisions like that. I feel so awful. I know she is in heaven. We will all be together in June again, to celebrate her life. C.

    • Luise June 7, 2010 at 9:33 am #

      Loss is something we don”t know how to deal with. How could we? But in time we will all pass. Your faith is going to carry you through this. Your father is so lucky to have you. Blessings, Luise

  16. V. November 25, 2010 at 9:59 am #

    Today is my First Thanksgiving after losing my Mom this Easter Sunday from COPD. I thought by cooking the way she would could help. It did and didn’t. Last night I dreamt of her and she looked so rested and she told me she needed alot of rest. I asked her if she could hear me, her reply was a little,and sorry. I said don’t be and told her how much I loved her and missed her and with that she nodded and my dream was over. I asked if she could feel me touch her, she said no, but, in my dream, I could feel her and she was warm. I asked if she could see me and she said no,but, I could see her. In my mind she knew I needed this reassurance she was at rest. Just as I have read your experiences and it reassures me, that I am not alone. Thank you and if you want someone to talk to, comment here and maybe I can help you by just being there. V.

    • Luise November 25, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

      How lovely! Thank you! Blessings, Luise

  17. A. December 4, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    My mother was my very best friend. I loved her dearly. She was so wise, so kind and she was so thankful for everything I did for her . She passed away 4 weeks ago at the age of 89.

    My husband never liked my mother, he was jealous of her. It is the only reason he had, because she never ever gave him any reason for him to be so cold and unkind. His behaviour was a terrible strain on our marriage, and I often thought of leaving him I stayed, because in most other aspects we got along all right. When my mother died, my husband cried a few tears…I’m convinced they were tears of relief. But that’s beside the point. I still wanted to give our marriage a second chance, and I simply wanted to forgive him for the hell he made me go through the past years. But I can’t, for even when I mourn over my mother, he is so cold and I even sense after her death he can’t stand the thought that she is still very much a part of me.

    Actually I am taking my mother’s death very well. I know she is in a better place, and I’m relieved that she was spared worse things like Alzheimers or being bedridden. Of course when I now hear Christmas music, I get weepy. This is the first Christmas without my mother ever, and she passed away only a month ago. My husband’s reaction? Coldness and feeling sorry for himself. I yearn so much for a kind soul to just take me in his or her arms, let me rest my head on the shoulder and just understand. Just be there for me. My mother was like that. The only person in the world that was like that for me, and now she’s gone.

    So now I stand in this cold hostile house, trying to find my way back to normality. But the atmosphere here makes me yearn for my mother more. I feel so lonely , I think lonelier than if I were truly living alone.

    I wonder if I should leave him. I just don’t know. A.

    • Luise December 5, 2010 at 8:37 pm #

      Don’t do anything, yet. This isn’t the time to be making decisions. No matter how well you are taking it, your mom has only been gone a month. Guys do get jealous of tight woman-to-woman relationships. Most of them don’t know how to do that. As you start to level off, he may, too. Blessings, Luise

  18. A. December 6, 2010 at 7:04 am #

    Thank you Luise. it certainly felt good to vent, and you are right; I got to see how this develops.
    Bless you for running this site, and for answering so quickly.

  19. A. December 10, 2010 at 7:04 am #

    I will check out your web-forum, and probably visit you there sometime in January. I saved the address. Thanks.
    I wish you wonderful happy holidays,

  20. S. December 11, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    I am 15 years old and i lost my mother when i was 12, and i still cant find ways to cope after three years. I cant barely be around my friends because of the fact that they still have theirs, i missed my friends birhtday cuz her mom was driving us to the movies and I just dont know what to do can u plaese give me ways to cope. S.

    • Luise December 14, 2010 at 1:41 pm #

      Oh, honey, I don’t have an answer for that. Any time a child loses her mother is the wrong time. There is no right one. You needed her and you still do, while all around you, you see girls with moms that they often don’t even appreciate. Such a terrible loss will make you a more gentle, understanding and compassionate person. I doubt if you will find much comfort in that, but it’s true. You are having to grow up too soon and face the impossible on a day-to-day basis. As we get older, (I am 83,) we realize that life is, among other things, an endless series of losses. Behind each one is some kind of a new beginning that we didn’t ask for and often don’t want. But we learn that way to accept that all of life is a shifting and changing experience with death right in the middle of it. Do you have a counselor or an advocate…someone you can share your grief with? That would help. Come here as often as you wish. Blessings, Luise

  21. M. December 15, 2010 at 1:07 pm #

    My mother passed away 3 days after my 45th birthday – she had been in the hospital with congestive heart failure for 4 days and was responding to change of medication and the Dr informed her that she could go home Friday – I visited her Thursday night and she sent me out to get groceries and stuff she could eat over the weekend – I called her before going to bed and she sounded tired – but said she would see me in the morning – I had just gotten into bed when phone rang and was informed by the Dr she had had a bad heart attack and had passed on – Ever since then I have been lost – the anchor of my life has passed away – I have trouble making decision it is as if I am sort of on Automatic Pilot and don’t know which way to turn. I know Mom is in a better place and is happy still I morn her and am having trouble staying in the home where we lived for 45 yrs. M.

    • Luise December 18, 2010 at 6:30 pm #

      Please don’t try to work through this by yourself. You need to see a grief counselor and have an advocate until you can move on without your mother. You are mortal and so am I and death is something that is guaranteed. It’s a natural occurrence. No one gets to keep their mother all their lives unless they die in childhood. I hated it when mine went. We all do. None of us could imagine life without our moms. Get some support and hang in there.

  22. T. December 29, 2010 at 10:57 am #

    Lost my mind on Christmas Eve last week. Numb. Guilt..Then Numb. T.

  23. T. December 29, 2010 at 10:59 am #

    I meant I lost my mom..not my mind..but maybe I did. T.

    • Luise January 7, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

      I think with such a horrendous loss so recent that both may be true. Can you find a good grief counselor to help you through this? It’s a tough time, I know. I lost my mom, too. If we live long enough, it’s inevitable.

    • Luise January 7, 2011 at 1:19 pm #

      I think both may be true. It’s a horrendous loss and so recent. Can you find a good grief counselor to help you through this? I’ve been there. If we live long enough, it’s inevitable.

  24. A. February 11, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    Hi. My mom has just passed away and I am having trouble with it. We had a wonderful relationship and I cared for her as she got cancer. I am a person with a learning difficulty and it is hard on my own, but I am proud of myself in taking care of her.But because of my difficulties has been financially devastating.
    In the year she has been gone I have lost some money in investments with people that befriended me. I guess its just so hard without her. A.

    • Luise February 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm #

      Of course it is hard without her, you were her best friend and she was yours. I also know that she is so proud of you and the way you stuck by her. It’s quite beautiful. I think her spirit is very close to you and always will be. You are the kind of son all mothers dream of having. Blessings, Luise

  25. K. February 14, 2011 at 1:55 am #

    I lost my mother when I was three and im 20 going on 21 and our birthdays are on the same day. Its always hard around this time of year because the day of her death and our birthday is less than a week away from each other. I don’t know who to talk to at most times. All I do is write and I know my sisters deal with this same struggle but I really have no memories of my mother at all, and its hard because I struggle so much with little help and watch my step mother give her kids love and it really makes me feel like I missed out on that part of my life. Like I am missing a part of me that can never be replaced. K.

    • Luise February 14, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      You did miss out on a lot and the way the dates all pile up on each other has got to be really hard. I can tell you this; you were the most wonderful birthday present you mother ever received. I know…I have sons. I also know that when you marry you will find that the love a wife offers carries with it her inner, maternal feelings and you will be cherished is that special way when that happens. Blessings, Luise

  26. J. March 2, 2011 at 12:32 am #

    My Dad died on January 28th, 2011 at the age of 77. Since his heart attack when he was 58, my dad suffered numerous other illnesses however, this past year, has been the worst. Last year he was diagnosed with lung cancer. My sister and I took turns taking him to his treatments. After he finished his treatments he was doing rather well. He started his painting again, wanted to go out for breakfast all the time (which he loved to do with my sister and I). He was even great at Christmas and New Years. In fact, he was good until about a week before he died. The Friday before he died, I took him out for breakfast but that weekend he had a lot of pain in his side so we took him back to the hospital, where we found out the cancer had spread to his liver. That news devastated my father, after years of being strong and fighting everything that had come his way, he just seemed to lose his fight. Sunday he came home from the hospital and by Monday he started to deteriorate. By the following Friday he was gone. That was the hardest week I have ever passed with my family.

    My mother who is 6 years younger than him, was his primary caregiver and it has been extremely hard on her. In fact so much so, she has taken to drinking large quantities of wine every evening (which started last year and has continued since his death) because she says she is “stressed”. Which to be honest has put an enormous amount of stress on my sister and I. She has been living with my sister since my Dad dies as she is unable to go home, she can’t bare the house without my dad. This has become extremely difficulty for my sister and I as we are grieving too, but our mother is not coping well at all. They were married for 54 years and this has just torn her apart.

    The day my dad died we were all present in the hospital room when he took his last breath, but we were not prepared for it. He was not supposed to die that day, he was supposed to be transported to hospice care, but that is not what happened. Instead my dad died a lot faster than we were prepared for. That day in the room, I cried a lot. Since his death however, I have found myself in deep sadness but unable to cry. I have felt numb. I am having a hard time at work, at home and coping with my family who keep breaking down.

    Today was hardest for me was because it was my birthday and it has only been a month since he passed. My Dad was always first in line to call me on my birthday and he loved gifts. Christmas was his favorite time of the year and because of him, these times have always been my favorite. But not today, not this year, it was a very hard day. I kept breaking down crying and getting angry and aggitated with everyone.

    I am having a very hard time coping with my Dad’s death. I can’t sleep, I can’t seem to get my work done at my job, I can’t concentrate. I miss him. I miss him very much. Nothing is the same anymore, it really hurts…….J.

    • Luise March 6, 2011 at 10:24 am #

      As horrible as it is, how you are feeling so soon after losing your dad is normal and healthy. You need to honestly go through the loss. Parents leave us or we leave them. I lost my son when he was 52 and that is backwards. The empty place a deceased loved-one leaves takes a lot of getting used to. Some people, like your mom, feel like part of them is gone and the rest doesn’t matter. We are all whole, unique individuals…and after we have gone through facing a loss, we can be whole again. The truth is that we are all perishable…we all have a “shelf-life.” To not accept that is pathological; to like that is impossible. Your dad may have left sooner than planned but that may have been a blessing for him. You have nothing to say about how your mom processes her loss but you have everything to say about how you do. Feel it intensely. Do whatever works for you. I wrote, daily, to my dad and wrote answers back to me from him until I could face life without him. And I have always been sure he participated in that process somehow. Blessings, Luise

  27. O. March 20, 2011 at 10:54 am #

    Dear Luise,
    I’ve recently turned 16, my mum died last May when I was 15 of cancer, she had be batteling it for six years on and off, but in the end she couldnt fight any longer. I thought I was coping well, everyone tells me often how strong I am, but I don’t feel it. I have awful mood swings that I cant controll. Some days I’m happy and feel somewhat normal, being around my friends and taking my mind off things,yet other days I feel a struggle to even get out of bed. I have an older sister who I dont get along with, a brother who im close too and my dad is my best friend. I feel as if im having to live up to everyones expectations that im coping well, but I feel like im falling apart inside. I’m really stressed with school work, as again i feel so pressured to do well, and im worried that if I dont pass all my exams im going to let not only my mum down but everyone else too. I just dont feel i can do this anymore, I feel so numb, such an aching pain inside me that no matter what people do or say wont ease, I miss my mum more than words can say, and I dont feel i can ever be happy again, it feels like everyones lives are moving but mines on pause. Please, is there anything you can suggest that will help me to cope with the bad days? I feel at such a loss. Thank you. O.

    • Luise March 21, 2011 at 10:02 am #

      You may benefit from counseling. You are carrying too much while having to deny what’s going on at a deeped level. Talk with your dad about it and get an advocate to help you through your grieving. It will get better but you sound like you need help moving through it. The loss of your mom is huge. All of us have to face it but most of us need help.

  28. P. May 16, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    I have lost my mothe last month…The date of my marriage was arranged by my parents in December 2011..But I am not prepared for the marrige in the same year of my mother’s death..But my dad says that it was fixed by my mom..so it is our duty to respect her decision. I am the only daughter of my parents.so i am also worried for my dad. He is totally alone after the death of my mom..plz.help me..and give me a proper suggestion by which I can bare the pain…P.

    • Luise May 16, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

      If you’re like the rest of us, the loss of your mother will haunt you for the rest of your life. It won’t wipe you out like it does now but it will never go away. I think your dad is right. Your marriage is a dream come true for your mother and fulfilling that dream combines your dreams with hers. Your dad will work through his own grief, as will you. He wants you to move forward. When you start a famiy…your mother’s blood will be a part of a new being. Talk with her. (I talk with mine all the and she’s been gone longer than you have been alive.) Tell her how you feel and know that she is always going to be there for you…just not in the same way.

  29. T. June 26, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    i m just 22 year old and i m from India i hate India
    hear no save the girl and alone in this world .why god my life is like hell so plz help plz he i want no one love me why ? T.

    • Luise June 27, 2011 at 7:12 am #

      I have no idea why some of us have it so much harder in life that others. Always when we feel the most alone, there is another person who is feeling just as alone and would honor us if we met. I am sending you love. Please feel it in your heart.

  30. C. July 5, 2011 at 12:43 am #

    iam 22 years old.i lost my mother and my brother in an accident recently on may 12th. iam still in shock iam alone, helpless. i love them a lot iam unable to come out from there memories. we use to be very friendly ,ours is a very happy family we often use to fight for silly things, but now iam alone. in the mean while my father gave me another shock that “he is intrested to go for second marriage”.
    now what i want to do, i am out of stage to think about this matter . please help me by giving any idea plzzzz.C.

    • Luise July 5, 2011 at 12:00 pm #

      How terrible. It is going to take a long, long time for you to get to where you can focus mostly on the lovely memories. Your dad has to do what he has to do. There is a saying about death in a family that may or may not be true” “Women recover, men remarry.” Recovery takes a lot longer but to may way of thinking you will get there. Blessings, Luise

  31. J. July 16, 2011 at 1:16 am #

    Mom’s living her last days, afte a 15 year battle with cancer. I was her one and only caregiver until now. I am already crying frantically because of the thought that she will leave and i am wondering what will happen when she really leaves. I am 33 and i am alone, no sister, no brother, no father and no relatives. Just a couple of friends who although ready to be there for me but have their own lives as well. I have feared this all my life and have seen nightmares of this and now its happening. I am reading grief articles and meeting with people who have lost one of their parents and although i know so much about grief and all, experiencing it will be terrible i am sure. The are saying you will feel better, if not better different after a year, but i cant comprehend how will that year pass? My question is what will i do if i miss her since her pictures and all the memories of the good old days are killing me and will the grief eventually kill me too? J.

    • Luise July 23, 2011 at 7:37 am #

      Our minds are mosty “one-track.” We can’t focus on grief and on something else at the same time. The last terrible loss in my life happened on April 7th of this year. It realy does feel to some of us like it will kill us but that is actually a choice. We can choose otherwise and I honestly believe that is what our loved ones want for us. Death comes to every living thing. To not accept that is to deny life. They go together. Each of us has to find our own way regarding how we shift our focus long enough and often enough to let the healing begin. For me, it was/is a CD simply called the Chackra Meditation that I got online at http://www.krystagibson.com. It helped me though my grief, which still comes in waves at times, and to the place where I have not become attached to it and perpetuate it. That’s not what my loved one would have wanted. He would have wanted me to honor my gift of life…as did he. In his honor…I am actually healing. Blessings, Luise

    • S. August 2, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

      My mom died on the 22-July-2012 after a 20 year battle with cancer. I am 32 and have been taking care of her with my dad. I miss her. I am scared. Does this pain go away? Did yours go away? S.

      • Luise Volta August 3, 2012 at 12:24 pm #

        S. My experience is that pain changes if we let it. If we try to deny it or get overly attached to it, I think it can stay forever. You just lost your mom two weeks ago. For me, it was the end of the world just two weeks later. I wrote to her. I told her how I felt. I let it all up and felt it deeply. As I have written elsewhere here, I eventaully started writing answers back to me from her. Not that I thought for a minute that she was sending them…I just knew what she would say to me and found comfort there. That’s what I did and the pain lessened. I can’t tell you when it went away because it left slowly. I just noticed one day that all i felt was peace. Blessings, Luise

  32. S. July 17, 2011 at 11:25 pm #


    • Luise July 23, 2011 at 7:47 am #

      Of course you can’t forget that day. Her gift to you is to also remember other days. Start a journal that is about that. Write about the wonderful indicents in your life that you shared with your mother. Thank her for each one and then start writing answers to you from her. Yes, of course you are doing the writing…but the thoughts are inspired by her love for you. That is something that never dies. Blessings, Luise

  33. K. August 5, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

    hi, I was 14 when i lost my mother. She had a disease called sickle cell. it would be a year today that she passed away. I do not know how to deal with today.I am still grieving the lost of my mother and have made very litle progress with all of these emotions. I do not know if I should cry and be miserable all day or be happy and celebrate her life. I have mixed feeling and I am very over whelmed. She was only 39. I am experiencing all the same emotions that I did that same day. What should I do? K.

    • Luise August 7, 2011 at 10:18 am #

      Mixed emotions are the norm. It’s horrible, unfair and impossibile to accept and it is wonderful to celebrate the persons we love and go on with out lives fueled by their eternal love. It never gets easier in some ways but/and the worst of it passes in other ways. We can get stuck in grief and become the victims of it. That’s not they want for us…certainly not the ones who gave us life. It (life) was and is a gift. I have extended my boundaries to let love in from others and that may help you. If you would like to, come over to my Web-forum where there is a community of loving women sharing their lives, heartaches, wins and losses. We are at http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com Blessings, Luise

  34. B. August 21, 2011 at 7:19 am #

    Hey I’m 17 I lost my dad n my mother. I lost my dad when I was 11 and my mom when I was 14. I don’t really think about my dad but my mom it’s so hard. I miss her so much I never really had nobody to talk to about it I cry once n a while. I stay with my sister but I never really talk to her about it. She’s been gone for 3 yrs now and it’s hurts so bad and sometimes I’m confused on shy she’s not here and I have no help or anybody to talk to about her death and I need help bad. I wanna understand an have a little piece of me back. B.

    • Luise August 23, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      Dear B.: You have been hit twice, way too soon in your life. You had nothing to say about it but you are left with a terrible, double loss. Some of us have really terrible things happen in our childhoods while others are surrounded by loving support and it’s really hard to understand. Then sometimes their lives as adults are full of pain and suffering. Most of us get our share. Of course you miss your mom, you still need your mom. And your sister is facing the same loss and also trying to get through it and help you. What I did when I lost my mom was to write to her. I know that may sound dumb but I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it and what I really wanted was to talk to her. It made me feel better because I knew in my heart that she wasn’t far away, spiritually, and would never have left me of her own free will. So, I started writing and pouring my heart out and some pages only had a few words on them at first because I wrote so big in my dispair. Eventually, I did an even wierder thing, I started writing answers back to me from her. Not that I heard her voice of anything like that…just what I knew she would say if she was with me. That was a long, long time ago because I am now 84…but I still write her once in a while…she’s that close…and she “answers.” Please think about creating a contining relationship. For me, at least, I have never felt alone since I reached out. Crying didn’t help me, it only made things worse and pretending I was fine was a lost cause…but writing saved me. Blessings, Luise

  35. V. August 24, 2011 at 1:05 am #

    I lost my mother twenty days back.And the feeling is awful.I don’t know how to live without her .she was every thing i had .although ihave my dad ,my husband, but with her the bond was eternal.it was a feeling which i can get from no one.i miss her so—————–much.love you mom .miss you. V.

  36. margaret September 3, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    my mom died she died on father’s day she fell hit her head she died in the hosptail don’t know how to handle it we were close she was my best friend was wondering if any one in here knows a place for me to chat like a chat room

    • Luise September 5, 2011 at 10:28 am #

      Dear N.: The best place I know of for help for you is Al-Anon. Please give that your best shot. It is too hard to deal with alone.

  37. M. September 5, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    Luise do you mean me ? M.

    • Luise September 6, 2011 at 3:38 pm #

      Dear M. No, I was leaving your request oprn to see if any others had a suggestion. But try http://www.WiseWomenUnite.com I think you might find support there since it is for women who want to share with each other. And perhaps someone else will still respond here as well. Blessings, Luise

  38. Liz September 6, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    It is heartening to read that even though I am also a nurse and even though my mum was 87 and it was her time …. These feelings I have are perfectly normal. This big hole I feel inside … The emptiness … I know in time it will ease … I’m grateful for the pain that signifies the loss of a beautiful mother …. I was very lucky I know …. Liz

  39. F. October 13, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

    I to have just lost my dear mother and I am very depressed. It seems like no matter what I do it somewho reminds me of her. I miss her so bad I just do not no what to do. F.

    • Luise October 14, 2011 at 7:37 am #

      F. – I found that I had to maintain a relationship with my mom after I lost her. My life was just too empty without her. Facing death takes time for most of us. What I did was to write to her…all of my feelings. I just poured out my love and loss. For me, it was the answer. Eventually, in my “Mom Journal”, I started writng back from my mom to me. I knew I was making it up but I also knew what she would have said to me. That process was the foundation for my healing (acceptance.) It was many years ago and I still occasionally drop her a line and get her feed back. Blessings, Luise

  40. S.. October 29, 2011 at 4:58 am #

    I lost my beautiful Mum on the 15th October and my heart is broken.
    We had a very emotional funeral for her on Friday 28th October.
    It was a very long & difficult wait as she had to have a post mortem to find the cause of her deat (which is still inconclusive)

    Mum was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease 8 years ago and along the way gained other complications with her stomach and also high blood pressure.

    She was sick all the time and became very frail and 3 years ago had to go into a care home.

    I thought that we would have at least another year with Mum. (She died at 75)

    We had a wonderful surprise party for her on her 75th but there were trips that she wanted to go on but she was always sick so we never got to take her.

    I keep feeling guilty that I couldve done more for her, but I worked full time and it was emotionally&mentally tiring visiting her.

    All out hospital visits too were taking their toll on us all.

    I just cry about the simple life she led and how I gave her a very hard time as a teenager and I just wish that I wouldve been sat with her when she passed away to tell her how much I loved her.

    The very last time I saw her she was really grumpy & was moaning about how certain people hadnt been to visit her and I said, “Shall I go then if I’m not enough.” Then she realised she’d upset me and said sorry….

    Now I wish I wouldve bit my tongue….if I wouldve known that she was going to die afew days later I wouldve told her so many things. I did tell her that I loved her though and my two older sisters and I(I’m the youngest at 36)sat with Mum for two hours until funeral directors took her body.

    I’m just going to miss her so much but I know that I’m crying for my own selfish reasons and I know that Mum isnt in pain anymore.

    Its just that horrible heart ache and that sickly feeling….it’s so very very hard to deal with. S.

    • Luise October 29, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

      S. – I have never met a person yet who said they were really glad they had done everything right after losing a loved one. We second-guess every move we made and every word we said…and we always find ourselves coming up short. The truth is that we are human. Those we lose know that and love us dearly in spilt of that, as we do them. You mom knew you loved her. Count on it and she loved you just as much.

  41. S.. November 13, 2011 at 8:43 am #

    RIP michelle lynn serresseque 12/26/1969-11/12/2011 we all love you mom your still with us forever. S.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

      S. She can feel it. So can I. And she loves you all dearly. Love just is. Blessings, Luise

  42. K. November 13, 2011 at 5:51 pm #

    Hey I am 33 and i lost my real father when i was 3 i lost 2 brohers and i lost my mom this year in aug 21 she was only 53 i miss her so much she was my best friend i was with her the friday and saturday and got the call sunday morring that my dad found her in the laundry room it was so unexpected my mother in law passed away 8 years ago to cancer i am not copeing with the loss of my mom and i don’t want to belive it seeing her on the floor was the hardest thing i had to see i lost so many ppl in my life there is times i feel like someone is watching me and i just run to my husbend and i feel like crying all the time. K.

    • Luise November 17, 2011 at 12:15 pm #

      K.- She isn’t far. Maybe you can do what I did when my mom was found on the floor – gone – many, many years ago. I wrote to her. I know that is probably wierd but that’s what I did. I told her how I felt…in a journal. Everything. I wrote everyhthing that came to my mind…and many times I was writing and cyring at the some time. Eventually, (and even more weird, I know,) I started writing back to me from my mom. I knew I was writing it but I also knew what she woud have said to me and it was a great comfort. A deep healing came to me when I realized we could “connect” that way. Peerhaps, you can, too. Blessings, Luise

  43. S.. November 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

    In April I called an ambulance for my mom I thought it was another round of the flu byg….. they said they would keep her over night it was just an infection…then 2 days later she was on life support..then a bacteria infection went to staff orias and well lets just say she passe on 04-27-11…it’s Thanksgiving time and my mom was the best cook in the world to me… I want her back im pissed off. S.

    • Luise November 19, 2011 at 3:42 pm #

      S. Of course you are. Death brings loss and anger and it’s tough. I don’t think we ever get used to it or accept it. I know I haven’t. Start a mom-journal and tell her how you feel. Put it all out there and thendwhen you can, start writing answers from her to you. I know it’s off the wall but you know what she would say. It worked for me. Blessings, Luise

  44. B. November 25, 2011 at 2:25 am #

    i cannot accept she has gone i have looked atfer her for 18 years does she know that i loved her so much and still struggle without her she w3as my life and my mum and my best frient B.

    • Luise November 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

      Of course she knows…you are still connected because of the love you shared. Talk to her, write to her, sing to her…she’s there. Blessings, Luise

  45. C. February 14, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    Luise, i lost my mother on ‘Dec,11,2011, and its only been 2months. I feel so sad and alone now that she gone, i don’t know if im coming or going now days. I don’t know what to do or how to be any more. I can’t sleep im up all night, and i wate for her to call me each and every day. How long does it take to get over losing some one you loved so very much who was apart of your life from a child. My mother was a strong believer of ‘God she was a woman of ‘God. I won’t to see her again i miss my mother so much and i just can’t cope with her death. I need a word. C.

    • Luise Volta February 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm #

      C – I felt the same way when I lost my mom. There is no replacement and the emptiness can be overwhelming. It takes a different amount of time for each of us. I had a friend once who ws tearfully telling me about her mother’s death and when I asked her how long she’d been gone…she said 25 years. To my way of thinking…she had become attached to her grief and that can be lethal. On the other hand, we need to grieve. What I did was write to my mom. I know that sounds dumb but I felt connected when I did that. I poured out my feelings of anger and despair until I started to feel more balanced. I kept writing to her and eventually, I started writing answers back to me from her. I knew, of course, that I was initiating them and wasn’t “hearing voiices” but it comforted me and I knew exactly what she would say to me. I still write to her once in a while and she “writes” back. I have no way of knowing whether this would help you or not. I just know that for 58 years it has brought me great comfort. Blessings, Luise

      • K. April 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

        Hi Luise, I’m so happy to find you. My Mom died on April 2nd — just a couple of weeks ago. She was 86, it was expected but it’s different when it happens. I wasn’t there with her because I was on my home from a trip. She did pass with my brothers and sister and Dad. I thought I was doing basically ok until today. Today I had a couple of angry outbursts which isn’t my normal way of doing things. I think I surprised my husband, my daughter and most of all myself. This sent me searching for answers and it’s how I found you.

        I’ve read most of the comments in this post and as I write tears are streaming down my cheeks. I’m a writer and I love the idea of writing to my Mom. She was a beautiful person who was grateful for every little thing and spoke often what she called the “mysteries” of life. Luise, my Mom lived in Canada — me in the Midwest — and it snows a heck of a lot every single darn winter where she lives — but every year it always seemed like serendipity would intervene and I’d call her around the first snow—each and every time she described the weather as though she’d never seen snow before. LOL. Always a lovely description, always happy and whimsical. I know I’ll miss her when I see the winter roll my way again. But I can write to her can’t I? Thank you so much for this gift Luise, I’m so happy I found you. I’m going to be a pretty journal for just me and Mom. Your experiences and the experience of others and your answers have helped me immensely.

        I’m very sorry to hear about your son, I’m certain he was a delightful person because he had such a great Mom and Dad. I know you miss him terribly. I wish I could say something uplifting as you’ve done for me… Love, K.

  46. J. April 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    I am 15 and my mother passed away on the 5th November 2011 (I was still 15 at the time) I am in year 10 at school and I am struggling to get on with life, I have tried going back to school but it is too much, it finally overwhelms me and I just break, ever since then my thoughts have been scattered, I have a hard time recognising my feelings so I can never explain to people how I feel, but I always try my best.

    I also NEED to go back to school or I will get way to far behind I have been warned multiple times I may even have to redo this year if I stay away any longer, which I am set on never doing , It would just be embarrassing. I took time off school and stayed away from the idea of going back as I was afraid I might start getting serious depression again, I am starting to recover my feelings and I don’t want it to go back to how it was, I braved school today and in that one day the depression hit me harder than it ever did before, and I am scared that if I keep going in it will get worse, like before.

    I really need help coping, and what makes this worse is that I am practically parentless, I live in England but my dad lives in America and has no way of coming to live over here as he is American and also due to other circumstances, I live with my nan and my sister and I just can’t cope, and the school because I have been off for so long is adding so much stress to my situation it is making it even worse, I feel like I need to go to school (and want to) but when I do I am constantly depressed.

    Thank you for reading this it felt good to just get this out…J.

    • Luise Volta April 27, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

      J. – I’m so sorry you are up against so much pain. I have been dealing with some serious depression over my husband being in a nursing home. H ie 100 years old and I just wasn’t able to care for him any longer. He’s been there for two years. I’m married but I live alone. I go to see him and he often doesn’t know me. I tried eveything for depression and nothing worked. Then I discovered that this unbearable grief and loss I feel will move through me and not get stuck and expand if I do consistant and intense physical exercise. So, I walk three miles a day and go to two different aerobics groups, one a day, and I go to a gym and work out with a trainer daily. It has saved my life and I am productive again. It’s the only thing I know to suggest when we can’t change the way things are. Blessings, Luise

  47. W. April 27, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

    Lost my mother a year ago. dont know how to cope.Yourself and your life is never the same again.You want everthing back the way it was and get trapped in a time warp.Moving on seems impossible but you must find the strength.How? Its different for each of us but you find that path gradually day by day. W.

  48. L. May 5, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

    Hi.l lost m mum 10 mnths ago but it feels lyk ysterday .The memories of her sickness n death are always on m mind,l can’t get over it.Not a day passes wih out m thnkn abt her n l dream abt her a lot.she was taken away from m way t soon.She was m rock,bestfriend,my everything.l know that she is in a peaceful place but l jst cnt deal wit e lose.plz help. L.

    • Luise Volta May 10, 2012 at 7:57 am #

      L. – Those feelings and memories will stay with you for the rest of your life, if you have the same experience I have had. What changes when we “have it be that way because we can’t change it”, is the intensity eventually lessens for most of us. We knew our moms couldn’t live forever and neither can we…because death is guaranteed as soon as life occurs. There simply is no “right time.” That doesn’t mean we have to like it. It means that it’s part of our job (life experience) to move through it. And as our lives progress…we have to face loss through the death of a loved one over and over again. For me, losing my son was as hard as losing my mom. We just have no where to put the reality that they are gone. What you are feeling, that seems impossible to endure, is normal. It comes with having been loved deeply and learning to return love. Blessings, Luise

  49. A. September 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm #


    On June of this year after a lot of pain on one side of her body. My- mom was dianoged with stage four lung cancer. When she was told of the news she said that she know that she had cancer. From that moment forward we fought as long as she could. I was with her as much as i could during the week and dad had the weekends and her (chunky monkey) grandchild over the summer.

    The first week I think was the hardess on all. Had to do extreme chemo. After this radiation for once a week. After 3 months of a strong battle. My mother took her last breath on the day I will never forget as. Long as i live. September the 11th. An hour after my leaving to rest and wash.

    And we laid her to rest on the day she born myself and sister (died 19 yrs ago) Sept. 16

    It hurts everyday since sh has left me. My mother and i were so close and I am not coping very well at this point and my dad calls all the time. I know he is hurting and dont know how to cope either. Her chunky monkey is serpressing is feelings and is not expressing how he really feels.

    Some advice is really needed and soon
    Hurting Forever=

    • Luise Volta October 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

      A. Please see a grief counselor. You and your dad both need help with your recent loss that is way beyond what a Wed-site can offer and you are going to need help in getting Chunky Monky through it, too. Blessings, Luise

  50. Q October 8, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

    Hi, I lost my mom when I was 12 and several months later I’m still grieving. I know I’ll be with her again 1 day and to tell you the truth I can’t wait for that day to come. I know she’s with me most of the time and watching over me from Heaven, I even write her a letter every few days, but I don’t reply, because I know she’s probably replying from Heaven and I just can’t hear it, so I don’t want to reply in case I’m saying something she isn’t.

  51. HF October 13, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    Thank u so much sorry for the late reply. It’s been a month and we r coping the best we can. We will. See a therapist to help us threw. HF

  52. E. December 3, 2012 at 2:45 am #

    I just lost my mom on the 26 of august, and i feel so lost. I feel as if no one understands my pain. There are times i wake up so angry at everyone/everything. I am 42 and a mother of 6. I dont feel
    as i did before. I have a deep pain in my chest that seems to get worse instead of better. I feel im losing touch with reality. Im also having a hard time going to the cemetary. When is it going to get easier? E.

    • Luise Volta December 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

      E. Go to my Home Page and on the far right side, scroll down to the category “Death and Afterlife.” If you are willing to read th eposts there, I think you will find comfort and perhaps even the beginning of healing there. Blessings, Luise

    • M. January 8, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

      E. – I understand how you feel my mom died June 12 2012 6 months ago. I am 51 with 4 grown children. I feel lost and lonely and I am angry because it seems my family don’t understand. I have times when I cry and my husband tells me that know one can deal with this for me. He accepts death. He tells me its part of life and that is true. My mom was my closet friend and now I have a empty feeling. My siblings are not close so I really have no one. I’m sorry about your mom but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. M.

      • L. May 6, 2013 at 5:12 pm #

        my mom passed june 5th 2011 and it is hard and i havent got over it. i have lost all touch of reality and i am angry all the time. my mom was my world and i have half brothers and sister. i am not close to them and i only have one kid and i feel alone all the time. sometimes i feel like i am going crazy. i try to push people away from me. because of the pain. i have pushed my husband of 18yrs away and dont know what to do. i am so sorry about all your mom’s i know what u are going thru. for me it isnt any better. L.

  53. C. April 10, 2013 at 8:55 am #

    My 92 year old mother passed away almost 2 weeks ago. She was living on her own in a Sr. apt. up until 3 months ago. Because of a series of falls she ended up in a nursing home and her health deteriorated very fast after that. We only had 3 months to realize how sick she was and then she was gone. Thank you for your response to Saundra. I feel like you are talking to me. Life isn’t as joyful with my mother gone. I wake up several times a night – I loved my mother for 55 years. It does comfort me knowing her pain and misery are gone and she is now living with her Lord on Streets of Gold and I will see her again one day. However, right now, in the present, I miss her terribly and it hurts. I am trying to take care of myself – I have a large family and I’m holding them close. C.

  54. T. April 16, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

    Just lost my mom… My best friend… 3/37/13 …. I keep telling myself she is still in the hospital….. I refuse to go back home …. Don’t think I will ever accept this. I’m so lost, I feel like a zombie. T.

    • Luise Volta April 16, 2013 at 8:21 pm #

      T. I think most of us feel that way at first. I just lost my husband on 2/21/13. We aren’t taught that death is inevitable, natural and normal. And we have no idea how to cope with the empty place our loved ones leave. But the truth is that we all come and we all go and life is temporary. I’m so sorry for your los. I think one of the hardest parts of life is facing death. Blessings, Luise

    • L. May 6, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

      T. I am so sorry u lost your mom. and i know u get so sick of hearing that. from people because i did. i know what u are going thru. i am still there it feels like. L.

  55. P. May 6, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    I too just lost my mom 4/19/13. I am taking it very very hard. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep. My mom was my best friend and I still to this day cant believe she is gone. I sleep with any and everything that belonged to her just to make me feel her close at all times. I am so heartbroken that often times I wonder will I ever be able to cope with her being gone especially since she passed away here at home with me and my family. The image of her in her last day remains with me being that I found her the next morning. I feel like I could have done so many things different that she would still be here. I am crying now just writing this. I am happy that she is hurting no more but God knows I miss her terribly.
    more but my heart hurts from missing her so much.
    many things different that she would still be here. P.

    • Luise Volta May 9, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

      p. I just published a response here today under the title, “Mom’s Passing.” It may help. Blessings, Luise

    • A. May 9, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

      Dear P,

      I know your pain. I lost my mother on 9/11 and buried her on the day she birth us. 9/16. Her birthday was April 27 very hard for us to celebrate with out her. Not a day, minute, or hour goes by and I not think of her. Then with mothers day coming I will not be able to cope with that either. We. Do have our days when I can. Deal with it and then there is some days we can’t. I miss her so much but I am glad she is not in anymore pain I enjoy her for 31 years and 360 days.(Tears) We shall meet again. Again I know your grief and pain. A.

  56. Bob July 10, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    My mom made 97 I March. We discovered that she had congestive heart failure 2 years ago . Because of her age, she is not a candidate for heart valve replacement surgery. She is a fiercely independent person and she lived by herself ever since my dad died in 1993. She has always done very well for her age. She lives 25 miles away but I always made it a point to drop in on her at least 3 times a week. This past Febuary, things suddenly got worse for her and now she gets tired quickly, needs a walker to get around, needs help going to the bathroom and has dementia-like symptoms. The Dr. has given her 6 months. She is at home being cared for my older brother and his wife and I go over daily to help mom do things. It has been very depressing to watch her health slowly decline. I’ve always been very close to her and the thought that she may soon be leaving often sets me into tears. I just don’t know how I’ll handle her death when the time comes. I just can’t imagine not having her around and I know that I’m in for a difficult time when her time comes. B.

    • Luise Volta July 14, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

      B – I can relate to what you have written. My husband died 4 months ago at 101 and going on is a huge assignment for most of us. I know he’d had a good life and was ready to go but that doesn’t begin to touch the emptiness for most of us. What wonderful sons she raised. Blessings, Luise

      • B. August 19, 2013 at 12:42 am #

        Luise, thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I’ve noticed within the last 3 days she does not seem to recognize me or acknowledge my name anymore. Up until the beginning of last week she would always say “Hi Bob” when I would greet her in the morning. I guess her dementia is getting worse. She continues to slowly weaken and we are taking her to the bathroom on a wheel chair now. B.

        • Luise Volta September 3, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

          Holding all of you in my heart. Blessings, Luise

          • B. October 8, 2013 at 12:18 am #

            My mom passed away on Friday, Oct. 4th. She lost the ability to chew about a week before she passed. We spoon fed her pureed food and ensure until she found it difficult to drink through a straw.. She lost a lot of weight and it was so sad to see her that way. She finally passed away very quietly Friday morning. I miss her very much but so far am able to cope with It although I do have those sad periods throughout the day… I dread going to her funeral but I know I must. B.

          • A. October 17, 2013 at 4:45 pm #

            Dear B
            I understand your pain. I know that she went threw some things. Just like me mom she lost a lot of weight. Being that she was already a petite lady 95 pounds. I struggle each day ….the past two weeks have been so hard that…..I understand. A.

  57. B. October 22, 2013 at 2:22 am #

    A few days before she passed away, in a weak voice she said “thanks for taking care of me”. I will never forget that. B

  58. E. November 24, 2013 at 11:58 am #

    Me too! Mom just left us 11/31/2013 ( Halloween ) it was 23yrs. to the day of my last drink! Her name was Ruth + dad ( Tom ) left us 11/26/1992 ( Thanksgiving Day ) ! I want to tell everyone of you thanks for being here + I feel really lucky your getting it out here instead of keeping it inside there’s more room outside! I’ve been taught + still learning about forgiveness, gratitude, + yes living in the moment ………… Life is for the Living, …………. I know I need help too! E.

  59. Michelle Dent November 13, 2016 at 3:39 pm #

    Hi I lost my mum in September this year she died in front of me all I have done is cry it still does not seem real that she has gone from are lives I we never forget that day she was screaming out with pain the district nurse came two hours later my 9.15 that morning she was gone I still suffer flash backs of my mum screaming I want my back I miss her so much my mum was not just my mum she was my best friend as well I could talk to her about anything but I cannot anymore I do need help with my loss I don’t know which way to tell with my mum who died in front me I have taken it very bad and I just cannot cope no more please help me

  60. jo October 31, 2019 at 10:34 pm #

    HI I lost my mother on January 8 2018, she had a lot of complications such as heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure and lung cancer but she suffered a big stroke on December 16 2017 my sisters and I took care of her till her last day she died in my sisters house. I am 43 yrs old I just turned 43 this month in Oct. and I cannot get my things together, I miss my best friend, my mentor my everything, I cry my self to sleep and I know my life will never be the same. I try to get it together but it is so hard. I feel so depressed I feel like I am in a roller coster and I cannot get off. I don’t know how to handle this, I need help I don’t know what to do. please help me. I thought that maybe just maybe after 1 yr I can go back to normal but I know I will never be that same person of over 1 yr ago. I don’t wish this pain upon any one, I don’t think we deserve this pain. everything hurts, and it is not getting any better.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: