Question: Dear Luise: I lost my mom Oct 17th, 2006. She was not sick or anything. She just went to sleep and woke up in heaven. I am devastated. My mom and I were very close. We had just relocated to SC from MD and had been here for a week when this happened. I wonder was the move too much for her? I was in Chicago at the time for work and she did not show in the morning to help my husband with my 9 yr old for school. She was 68. I feel lost and alone. I have moved 3 states from all my friends. I am having such a very difficult time dealing with this. My dad died when I was 22 to cancer and the pain I had then was different since I had a warning. I feel she was ripped away from me though. I have 1 brother but he and I are very distant. In fact the funeral was the first time I had seen him in almost 2 yrs. I am still dealing with cleaning out her apartment and all. We were here a week and she had the whole apartment entirely unboxed and she was ready to start working again she said. I do not know how to deal with this now…it does not make sense to me. I did not get to say goodbye or tell her I love her one last time. How do I deal? Debbie
Answer: Dear Debbie: My heart goes out to you. My son died that way when he was fifty-two years old. He had a great day, went to bed that night and never woke up. Not ill. He wasn’t even seeing a doctor. I can only tell you what I learned from my own experience and hope that there is something in it for you.
Very, very soon after his death I gave up trying to make any sense of it. It didn’t do any good to ask why I hadn’t been taken. I was much older and ready. Whatever the reasons are, we aren’t going to understand them on this side.
I, too, wished I could have known he was leaving and yet I also realized that what was so terribly hard for me, his wife, his sons and his granddaughter, was very easy for him. Since you lost your Dad to a horrible disease, you know that when we get a chance to get used to a person’s imminent death, they usually have to go through Hell. I didn’t want that for my son and I know you didn’t want it for your Mom.
I have no idea what your belief system is…mine allows for communication. I did that by writing to Dwight, fairly regularly at first. I poured out my heart to him and then I wrote answers back to me from him…from his heart, which I knew well.
Your Mom hasn’t been gone a month yet. Let yourself feel it all. Feel the grief and the guilt and the seemingly unending loneliness. It will lift. I promise you. Blessings, Luise