Question: Dear Luise: I’ve been married for 19 years now. I left my husband about a year ago because he molested my niece (age 13) when she was in our care. He’s always had sexual issues. Deep ones. But, I never thought he cheated. I just thought he pleased himself, hopefully you know what I mean by this. I raised his two daughters from age 2 and 4 and was unable to have any of my own. We have 5 grandchildren to whom I adore. I know if we divorce my relationship with the girls and grandchildren will change. I feel so confused because I’m afraid of the loss I will endure. Since we’ve split up we’ve been back and forth. I know I’m not happy with him but not sure if I don’t love him. I do love him but I’m afraid. He still lingers back to his old sexual issues…porn and stuff. I want it all gone. He never communicates with me. I feel like I’m just here most the time. I love him we have so much history together. After discovering his molesting problem I found out he’s done this before more than once. He went to therapy and was told he’s a sex addict. I’m so afraid he hasn’t changed and I just want a normal life. I’m thinking of telling him I don’t love him anymore but that’s not entirely true. I do love him but I’m I in love with him? I don’t think so anymore. I’m so confused. L.
Answer: Dear L. There can be a huge difference between loving someone and being able to live compatibly with someone. The man is a sexual deviate and you are not. You are not the person altering the family dynamics…he is! There isn’t even the remote possibility of a normal life around him. He is NOT normal!
Gather your self-respect around you and put as much distance between you as you can. Surely his daughters know. If they don’t, your grandchildren are in jeopardy. Don’t think for a minute that they are safe. Deviates prey on family!
If you feel the need for support, get counseling yourself. There is also a big difference between confusion and fear. You fear change but you can’t possibly be confused about what needs to be done. Blessings, Luise