His Mother Comes First

Question: Dear Luise: I’m going with a guy who loves his mom dearly. For a while I was really impressed because he is so thoughtful toward her and I have read that you can learn a lot about how a man will treat you by watching how he treats his mother. However, as time passes I am beginning to think that I am number two in his heart and always will be. It seems so small of me to question this. She doesn’t appear jealous of me. The problem is I feel we go over there way too often and he asks her opinion way too much. It is starting to feel out of balance to me. I’ve tried to talk with him about it, but he just says that she’s great, thinks the world of me and there’s room for all of us in his life. What is your take on this? Lucy B.

Answer: Dear Lucy: It wouldn’t work for me but then there are many different ideas out there about balance in family relationships. The greatest danger signal I see is his dismissal of your discomfort. His answer seems to be that if it works for him and his mom, the matter is settled. So what’s your problem?

When this kind of situation surfaces, all three people have to agree. It sounds like you have been together as a couple for some time and it’s getting to be more of a problem for you, not less. I applaud your wisdom in challenging the status quo.

His attitude and his answer are not what you wanted to see and hear but I doubt if you are surprised. You obviously don’t want to get engaged to his mother or marry her so the three of you can live happily ever after.

My advice is to end it. They are both so content with this cozy arrangement that your viewpoint is being ignored. There’s probably a woman out there who will fit in just fine. It just doesn’t sound to me like it’s you. Cut your losses, wish them well and move on.

I’ll bet there’s a guy out there somewhere waiting for you, who is ready to leave mama and who would agree with you that three’s a crowd. Blessings, Luise

2 Responses to His Mother Comes First

  1. M. November 7, 2008 at 11:32 pm #

    I love this guy. We have been best friends for the past 3 years. But he works for his brother that he runs. He controls his life and belittles my fiend. On top of that, he is very close with his mom. He lives in her building and whenever we go out to eat his mom comes most of the time. I can’t get my friend to commit to me and leave his mom. He is extremely close to his entire family. His aunt too. He just wont cut the apron springs. But he’s my best friend and I cant see my life without him. I love him SO much!!! How can I change him and get him to love me and leave his family? M.

  2. Luise November 8, 2008 at 11:23 am #

    Dear M. You can’t change him. That’s who he is and how he is and you either have to figure out how to fit into the existing family structure or you move on. The person you love has qualities you like and qualities you don’t like. That’s just the way it is. It’s not your job to decide that he’s not OK and to embark on a program to mold him into who and how you wish he was. In the first place, he can’t do it for very long. And in the second place if you love him it’s the whole package or you are in love with your expectations. Take a good close look. And please remember that not only is it a fact that he can’t be perfect but you can’t be either. Blessings, Luise

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