Question: Hi Luise! I’ve just discovered your web site and it’s already another one of my favourites. I’d love to receive any advice regarding my relationship life/patterns. When I’m in a relationship or when I’m interested in someone, many negative patterns arise: lack of trust, fear of being rejected and abandoned, (scars from my childhood), an intense need to control, to have assurances that the other is still interested in me. I know where these beliefs come from, but still can’t release them. This makes me close the doors to relationships, although I want to have a healthy one. Now, I’m involved with a man that I met through the Internet. He lives in another country and I have many fears and doubts about this relationship, although I’m already attached to him. I don’t know if it’s an inadequate relationship, developed through the pattern of fantasizing, or if it could be something good that my fears make me so unsure to invest. Gabriela
Answer: Dear Gabriela: Thank you for bringing your question to me at www.MomResponds.com . You have some work to do. Knowing where your fears and insecurities come from is a step in the right direction….a door opener. Knowing what your patterns are is valuable, too. It’s clear from your description that, at this time, new relationthsips just play out in the old pattern, which brings you and others a great deal of grief.
Going to the Internet is only complicating things further. You must be aware the although many have found that approach successful, others have found it dangerous and/or damaging. Getting attached through that medium requires a great deal of stability. You don’t describe yourself as there yet. It’s time, since you see the merry-go-round that you are on very clearly, to get off it. Find yourself a very capable and competent counselor, therapist or group led by a professional, and address the ghosts that haunt you. Making relationships work isn’t the issue…you are. Focus there, and move on only when you are capable of the healthy kind of relationship you desire. Blessings, Luise