Question: Dear Luise: I am a small town guy, fall in love with the girl from from my mba college.we had a very healthy relationship.but after approx 14-15 months we got placed in the same broker firm(real estate),all the problems started then. there was a guy who started hitting on her,and my relation become week day by day.we stared to fight every day. i was very possessive for her but i also did whatever she wanted,i let her dominate me all the time.but from 6 months i saw many small changes in her,she still use to help me and use to have breakfast and lunch wid me only but she was least interested in my life. on 5th may 2013 i caught her with that office guy,but they both did not admit that there is something between them and then we had big fight, next day in office that guy told me everything and i was not ready for thatshe was behaving exact the same way with the guy for last 2 months.i am so heart broken,very depressed and do’nt have anybody to talk or cry. i told that gal that i still have feelings for her ,but donot want her in my life. i am very depressed now,always doubting her now and it is not to leave her or even be with her.i do not want her to go with that guy as well.please tell me what to do. D.
Answer: Dear D.: One of the hardest things I have ever had to learn is that we can’t change others. If they don’t meet out expectations, it’s not their fault. They have no obligation to be any different than they are. From my point of view, I think you may have been spared some pretty terrible pain in the future by having to face your girl friend’s character defects now. At least you aren’t married with children dependent on her. That’s small comfort, I know, but it is still a factor.
You want to be close and share your life with someone. That’s wonderful and it’s still going to happen. You can learn from this experience and will deeply appreciate the woman who will come your way that is more mature and can offer integrity and loyalty. Call on your self-respect and move on.
I have been through something similar and since we were married, I tried to take the high road and work through it. However what I found was that once trust was broken, it was simply gone. I was able to forgive and we are still friends, many years later, but trust and forgiveness are two different things.
Always know that when another person devalues you, it’s about them, not you. Blessings, Luise