I’ve lost Two Sons and Gained Nothing

Question: Dear Luise: So the bottom line, according many of your letters is this for me:  I’m a mother of 3 boys,  the first got married and his wife consistently has misperceived or imagined false ideas about my trying to put a “wedge” between her and my son.   I have no interest in doing that, I understand clearly the difference in my sons love for me and his heart, mind and soul love for his wife.  I love this girl and I’ve given much emotional love and material love to her.    Now my other son recently married and at the wedding she completely ignored our family … etc …. the classic jealous and possession game.   So, what your saying is this … basically I’ve lost two sons and gained  nothing!    How weird is that.  I’m so sad in that I really wante girls who would love me and want to do things with me.  Instead … well any advice? L.

Answer: Dear L.: When adult children venture out into the world on their own, all bets are off in my experience. They make choices that often don’t make sense to us and we are often left with our own unfulfilled expectations.

We can get stuck in trying to find a “why?” when there isn’t one. We “clutter it up with logic” and are honestly perplexed as well as deeply hurt.

One of my sons saw me as evil incarnate and proceeded to blame me for everything that went wrong in his adult life. The other son thinks I walk on water and often gives me credit for his successes. Neither description of me is accurate and they came from the same home. Go figure.

Please come over to my Web-forum at www.WiseWomenUnite.com . We have formed a community there that focuses on issues with adult children and extended families. You might find it supportive. Blessings, Luise

One Response to I’ve lost Two Sons and Gained Nothing

  1. DaughterInLaw January 28, 2011 at 8:25 am #

    Are you sure that you said nothing? Have you asked, sat down with them?

    Your dreams and reality will often never meet unfortunately. A daughter-in-law is not a “second chance” at having a young lady dote or otherwise adore you; it’s the expansion of family and having someone else around to care about. While my mother-in-law is fantastic and I would sever a limb if that meant her continued good health or welfare she is never going to be my best friend. She doesn’t even drag or expect her daughter to follow her about or do many things with her. They are not friends, they are parent and grown child. Each have separate interests, friends, and background and that’s how healthy adults are.

    My mother gets many hurt feelings when she realizes that me and my family were not put on this planet to dance attendance to her, praise her for the gifts she throws at us or help she gives us. You can say “No” by the way. As adults they have to make their own way. If you remember that 99% of people do not want to “hang” with someone at least 20 years their senior in their free time (They would rather visit friends of their age and interest, spend time with children, do hobbies of their own…) you will be a lot more peaceful. DIL

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